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I need to take the best decision for my baby.

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 November 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, *osadSD writes:

My boyfriend has stuggled with addiction for 16 years. Drug, alcohol and porn. We have know eacjh other for 15 years. We got together 2 years ago after reconnecting....he and i were so excited to be together...and everyday we worked as a team to help him get over his addictions. We decided to have a family...so now was have abeautiful baby boy. When i returned to work after maternity i took a different job, managing at night...my previous job i traveled once a week overnight and i just couldnt bring my self to travel away from my baby....working at night also allows me more time with my baby during the day...

anyway...my boyfriend has always been distant emotionally...sex was never good and he always blamed it on his recovery...but recently it was getting worse and i found drugs hidden when i confronted him his felt so bad and promised he would never do it again...well it did ...i continued to find drugs over the next 3 weeks....7 times.......then i discovered thtat he has never stopped watching porn.....so for the past 2 years he has consistantly lied...other girls...drugs...porn...

I have a beautiful baby....and i have been living a life that i thought was real but was not...i am devistated...and i want to move on

do you think this is best for my baby

View related questions: drugs, move on, porn

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

sister

Porn is non issue. every man does it in the world, so nothing to worry on it. ( I still do not know why Porn always figures among issues ). But yes you need to only worry on drug and girls. If the girls are for real ( no suspicion as all the women suspect their men for this, so unless you see something from eyes do not believe it ) .

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (8 November 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt I cringe everytime I read or hear the words " child " and "drugs " in the same sentence.

I know many people disagree with me but no, I don't think a drug addict can be a good dad. Regardless of the love he might feel for your child, he cannot be anything else than a dangerous, destabilizing, negative influence in his life.

If you care about your child, you'll make sure he grows up in a drug free environment. Even if this means leaving your partner.

Nothing prevents you from encouraging and supporting him while he is in rehab or anyway he takes serious, real, verifiable steps to kick the habit.

But until he is not clean, there is no point to play family with him.

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A female reader, Princess Aunty Mauritius +, writes (8 November 2010):

To start with,

Your boyfriend seem to want to quit these bad habits. You know its VERY VERY VERY difficult for someone to quit drugs. I think you should give your boyfriend some times. most probably he is hiding you as he does not want to hurt you. However, this is extremely bad for your baby. For now its ok but as soon as he/she grows up it will have an adverse effects on him/her.

Firstly, You should start leaving separately with your boyfriend so as not to get the baby too attached with him. As in case you have to leave him that can be traumatic for the child. You can admit your boyfriend in a rehabilitation center or there are many other centers that shall help people in keeping away from these things.

If you see that your boyfriend has changed, you guys can start living your life together again. But then be sure to accompany him each time and never left him all alone as he might re start to drug, watch porn and so on.

the rehabilitation center will do the job of separating him from drugs but its YOU who have to separate him from porn. keep him busy each time. do romantic things together so that he does not get bored. try new things. make him fall in love with You. Once he really did he won't do things that hurt you.

In case your bf cannot quit these bad habits, then its high time for you to leave him if you want your baby not to turn out like him.

hope this helps

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (8 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntIt is dangerous for a child to be living in a household where there is alcohol and drugs that can be easily reached. Your relationship with him is being ruined by pornography and he is not making an effort to do anything about it. It is not impossible, far from it in fact but, the truth is he focuses more on the addiction itself rather than getting rid of it which is why he so willingly lies to you about his 'recovery'.

I think it best you take yourself and your child away from him until he is willing to really make a change and if he loves you and the child, he will.

I hope that helps.

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A male reader, Ven United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

That living in a household with a man who lies about drugs, sex, and love is good for a child to be raised in?

Absolutely not.

Drugs and porn are addictions, and they require intense professional rehab to get through. As good as your intentions are, you can't be the teammate that gets him through.

Porn (and other women) is another no-no on his part. Doing those things permanently undermines his relationship with you. It shows that he is more concerned with his personal right-now satisfaction than he is with your lasting happiness.

He is not a good boyfriend/husband, and he isn't a good father. You need to do what is right for that baby and keep it separated from this man until he can get his life together (if he should ever choose to do so).

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