A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'll try and keep this as short as I can. When my partner and I moved into our house a year ago we had a few teething problems as neither of us are DIY skilled and our next door neighbour, I’ll call him L, a similar age to us, overheard our problems and offered advice and help. I only work three days a week and our garden is in need of a lot of work so I’m often outside. As L was unemployed back then he would often come out and chat to me. Initially I thought nothing of it but then L started asking about things that were going on in our lives which made me think he had been watching us and knew my movements. Then my partner jokingly mentioned that L seemed to have a thing for me so I decided to avoid talking to him and just say a polite hello.Over the winter I rarely saw L but I caught him a couple of times looking at me through my kitchen window while I was cooking and he was taking his bins out or cleaning his car. He would also come outside occasionally when I was doing something and would look intently at me so I’d look away. Once the weather warmed up I started spending more time in the garden and so L started coming outside when I was again. I noticed his wife was usually with him now and I hoped she had cottoned on to his behaviour and was keeping an eye on him. I avoided talking to them but if his wife said "Hello" I'd look up and L would often be staring at me. I started to feel really uncomfortable about it and wearing headphones when I'm gardening to block it all out. I also learnt their movements (I know, it’s mad!) so I could go in the garden when they are out, however they rarely go out except to work and if they do it’s an hour here or there, whereas I go out a lot. L works evenings/nights so unfortunately he is around during the day when I am. Lately L has been very affectionate to his wife (in a very un-British way) when they are in their garden which initially lulled me into a false sense of security as I thought he must be “over” me but I seem to be seeing him even more, multiple times a day if I'm in and out. My friend thought I was imagining all this until she came round yesterday and when we went into the garden she went back inside and watched from my bedroom window and saw him come outside (“For no reason”, her words) and blatantly stare at me although I was not looking at him. She now understands how uncomfortable I am with it. In my 20s I had a stalker who followed me at work and eventually my employer had to get the police involved so maybe I’m being too sensitive to all this and it’s nothing. He clearly has a crush on me and I'm sure he knows that I know. I don't particularly mind him fantasising about me but I'm worried he'll approach me in some way. Do you think that's likely after a year and all his furtive behaviour? Should I say something to him? If so, what?Or should I say something to his wife? Why isn't she stopping him?I'd appreciate any insight into this man's behaviour and what I can do to tone it down. Thank you in advance.
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at work, crush, moved in, neighbour Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 If you are feeling this uncomfortable over it then something should be done about it. You cannot live your life wondering if he is going to follow you outside when you are in the garden, or that he is going to be staring at you. Normally I would say you may be over reacting because of your past experience but if your friend and your husband has picked up on the behavior then I think you should ask your husband to have a word with him, tell him how he is making you feel uncomfortable and end it at that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2016): You have to start being more assertive, and less conscious of his movements. This man is unpleasant and should be given no more or your attention than a neighbourly greeting, end of. Gain control of your house, your garden and your life again as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 August 2016):
 What does your husband say?
I do think he is semi-stalking you. Now he MAY have some problems with social cues, he may think he comes off as a nice neighbor and most of all he may think he is actually VERY subtle.. (which he certainly isn't).
I wouldn't tell the wife I would tell him directly.
If ignoring him hasn't worked (earphones etc) you might have to get blunt with him and tell him straight up that he makes you feel uncomfortable with all this hovering over you. I certainly wouldn't mention that you think he has a crush on you, that... can just create drama.
If you telling him doesn't work, consider having your husband tell him. Some men takes a "talking to" better from a man than a woman and since this guy seems to have some lack of common sense and doesn't understand "personal space" - or he is just ignoring both.
Could also be a good thing to invest in a privacy fence on that side of the garden.
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