A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need some help... I have just split from my fiance of 8 years. Things got bad really quickly.. He became distant and didnt want to spend time with me as much. But what made the split final is as we both planned to start a family together next year I went to the family planning clinic for advice. I had a pregnancy test and the nurse offered me a free chlamidya test. I explained to her that I have only had sex with him, and have been totally faithful to him for the whole 8 years. The nurse said 'what about him?' I told her what he told me, that I was his second sexual partner but he used a condom with his first girlfriend. I did the test and expected it to be negative. I was wrong. It cam back positive for chlamidya. I am still in shock. He denied any affairs but it can only be him. Since then I have tried to talk to him but he gets angry telling me that Im accusing him of things!! He did have a tendancy of being jealous towards me but he shows no remorse or the slightist affection. I know its over, part of me wants him back. Ive tried to be angry towards him for cheating but I cant. He has given me no explanation. Im so blind because even a few months ago I felt so happy and content and I thought he was too.. Please give me some advice. He says he needs time on his own and that he'll speak to me soon.
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affair, condom, fiance, jealous, pregnancy test Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update and the information. I have empathy with you and I do realize that you are going through a very difficult and very emotional time. No, I don't think you are stupid or in denial; we are just concerned about you and don't want you to regret your decisions later.
We don't know you and we don't know your circumstances. Sometimes it is not possible to get a good overall view from the info available and then we can only guide with what we have available or ask for additional information.
It saddens me that after 8 years your relationship just ended."No closure". I can now (with the updates) understand that it was drifting for sometime and that you had concerns about it. I understand you tried to do something about it "hence" the letter to him.
Yes, communication is vital in relationships and it almost seems as if you two were lacking communicating your needs and wants towards each other. It is as if the lack of communication created misunderstandings.
In conclusion, I suspect that this is a typical situation of avoiding sensitive issues. I honestly wish you and your guy could assess your situation, identify and recognize the problems and then develop a plan of action how to overcome these problems or issues.
Often when a couple are forced to deal with problems and conflicts, an amazing thing occur; they find themselves becoming closer and a relationship that was drifting to destruction moves to one with greater intimacy and personal satisfaction.
I do understand and respect that you have decided to "let go"; however I am concerned that you might regret it later if you did not try to find solutions to the unresolved frustrations.
Unfortunately there is no quick remedy for the pain and the hurt you are feeling and suffering now. I can honestly say to you that if you can have closure on all this it will make it easier to accept and to heal.
Try to get lots of rest and take care of your health.
Keep us posted and always try to keep SMILING.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): I don't think replies are blaming you for the situation they are just trying to understand the background for the upheaval and taking a balanced approach. Remember the Advice given is only advice it is yours to take on board or ignore as you please and we respect that. Furthermore the advice given can only answer the points you raise so at times we often ask posters to supply more information in order to give a better understanding as to what is going on.
My main concern is that you have failed to take on board the fact that this may be a historic infection and may be wrong in your assessment of him cheating on you, because you seem so adamant about this. Is there any supporting evidence
How did the suspected pregnancy come about, was it accidental or planned and was he content with it. and finally something to ponder if you had have been pregnant would you still have finished with him.
For me the hardest thing to grasp in your posts is that your emotional outpourings of love are at odds with your seeming unwillingness to do anything practical to try to salvage the relationship. Because if you truly loved him you would be looking to believe him and or forgive him why because Agape (true love is described thus)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
For agape is a love which demands a series of conscious choices and is not based on transient feelings.
I do believe however that you have made up your mind and noone will convince you otherwise I jsust hope and pray you have made the right decision and that that decision is founded in truth and love else you will have a lifetime of regret
Grace and peace Spirit Of Iona
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am thankful for the responses given, however I am not hideing anything.. I feel as though some comments made indicate that I should be blameing myself.. I am trying to be strong and come to terms with what has happened. I was not the one who ended the relationship I have tried to talk to him but he wont speak to me. I myself did question the results from my STI test, but the doctor told me that all tests are done twice and are quite accurate. I want to believe so so much that it could have been a mistake. But like I have said, I have only ever had one sexual partner.
I work away from home sometimes and have long hours sometimes too but some of my days are also really short. We always found ways to spend time together. Ive been at my job for over two years and there was never any problems, we still saw each other nearly every day. Until maybe a few months ago, I was recognising a change. He was busy, always working late.
I wrote him a letter because I knew Id be away when he would get it and I thought it was sweet. I expressed my love for him and wrote that I didnt want to loose him and had feelings of him slipping away.. It was a nice, romantic gesture. I wrote this letter three days before I found out about the results. I meant every word. He has not mentioned my letter.
He has been a big part of my life, and I am thankful. He has shown me love, and how to love. I still cry, my heart still calls for him.... Everywhere is a memory, a memory of him and thats why I feel that right now at least, I cant ask him why, who and when... We was really happy and I want to remember him that way. I want him to be happy, and if that means letting him go.... I know that he loved me, but he wants to do other things. If we are meant to be then we'll find each other... Ive had a lot of time to think, and you might think that im stupid and in deniel but even though hes hurt me through and through, I want him to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Dear Poster
I have just read your update and then reread your original posting again.
I have to admit, I get the feeling that there are some things you are not telling us.
I want to help you, but to assist you with advice I will need more information to get a better overall view and perspective.
You mentioned that things were deteriorating in your relationship and that you were spending less time together. Any specific reason; any specific problems you were dealing with creating a distance between you?
You also mentioned that you went for a pregnancy test; did you suspect that you were pregnant? You both decided that you wanted to start with a family next year; did you also discuss marriage?
You love him and you are feeling very lost without him; yet you have accepted that it is over without discussing this with him? There could be logical explanations for all this; are you prepared to walk away from 8 years without having closure?
Were there other issues that have also contributed to this situation? Maybe he should go and be tested too, maybe there is a mistake? Maybe the condom broke who knows; but if you love the man, surely you are not going to allow this test result to destroy your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt. How would you feel if he accused you? I presume you had no sexual partners other then him. Or did you have? In which instance he might think you have picked it up. If Chlamydia is something that either of you got from a previous relationship why destroy this relationship? If you do love each other, then surely your love for each other should be strong enough to overcome this matter. Are you aware of other incompatibilities in your relationship?
Why are you willing to give up rather then to try and resolve the problem? If your love for him is strong; why do you not try and reconcile rather then accepting that it is over? Or are there things you are not telling us?
I can understand your hurt and your devastation; we want to help you; please help us with information that will enable us to be of better assistance to you.
Hope to hear from you soon. Try to be calm and don’t make any important decisions at this stage.Try to give yourself sometime and focus on how you can resolve this matter and or at least get closure.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): In reading your reply to the postings made, it appears that you already have your mind made up on this one. My perception is that the Chlamydia incident is the excuse not the reason for the break-up, the reason I say that is that you don't seem prepared to even entertain the fact that he may actually be telling the truth, even though reasonable doubt has been supplied. The assumption therefore is that after 8 years the relationship had become difficult and that from all accounts you are a head strong young lady who has her mind made up and all the evidence or advice in the world will not convince you otherwise. The decison to have a child may have been the catalyst for your guy becoming distant, you need to ask yourself whose choice that actually was a joint decision or yours alone?Now admittedly the assumptions given are only be based on what you write here and if you have available supporting evidence to corroborate your assertion then your stand point is perfectly valid and reasonable, but if this is the whole story then you need to ask serious questions of yourself 8 yrs is a long time to be together to simply consign it to the dustbin... as Spirit of Iona says love always perseveres and always hopes, your protestations of being heartbroken and of still loving him are weighed against another of loves' characterestics forgiveness and come up wanting.If you truly loved him you would fight tooth and nail to keep him you have to decide which road you wish to take, you are hurt that you contracted an STD from him, as anyone would be, and it is right to question where it came from the pamphlet makes it quite clear you could be mistaken if you are too proud to admit that mistake to him then you will lose everything and the pain you feel is self inflicted and for nothing.As for the comment 'Hes thrown away 8 years' he certainly doesn't think that... as he has given himself breathing space, possibly to lick his wounds, I would add that from his perspective and using your measure...If he hasn't cheated on you he has the right to think that you cheated on him !You might find that hard to take but in the light of the available evidence your present attitude only leads to one possible outcome...the word Goodbye, for if he is telling the truth you will have thrown away something good bad mouthed someone who loved you and he will eventually be vindicated receiving help and support whereas you will be left feeling the self inflicted pain and bitterness.I strongly urge you for your own good to cut the c--p and accept you may be wrong
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you all for the response. Im still struggling on.. I dont know what to do now? Im so upset and heartbroken, I still love him. We've been through so much together and I really thought I had found my soulmate. But he has been dishonest and I cant ever believe that I could trust him again.. Its hard for me to say goodbye.. Hes been a massive part of my life. But its over. Hes thrown away 8 years. We still have no communication because he wants to be on his own for a while. I have to now come to terms with it all... I dont know where to start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Having pointed out that he may not have cheated on you, I thought I might add a little emotional advice as well, have you thought that the actual thought of planning to start a family next year may be something he may be dreading... irrespective of what he says with his head, it might actually not be what he wants. What you could try is a return to the fun loving girl he first met the one he fell in love with, tell him you miss him, you're sorry and you want him back tell him if it is the thought of having kids then you're prepared to wait amnd that there is still time for them. Then remember Love is patient Love is kind it always trusts always hopes and always perseveres....
and above all Love is never over even after the 'fat lady stops singing'
Spirit Of Iona
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Dear Poster
There is nothing I can add to this answer; I really just want to say:
Thanks "Spirit of Iona" I find this a very interesting answer and have saved the "link" for future reference.
To all of you; lots of SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008):
As a microbiologist I was interested in why you or your boyfriend hadn't shown any symptoms of infection, so I did a little bit of research on Chlamydia and found out that it can lie dormant in the body for a long time with no signs of infection... which is what makes it the 'ticking time bomb' that it is.
Read the following pamphlet from Dorset NHS (whole link)
http://www.chlamydiascreendorset.co.uk/faq.htm
Column 2 Section 2 paragraph 1 and 2
Why is testing for Chlamydia important?
Chlamydia can lie dormant for many years without causing symptoms; this increases the chances of it being spread to others, as the carrier is unaware.
Because of this, if Chlamydia is diagnosed in someone who is in a longstanding relationship, it does not necessarily mean that either partner has been unfaithful.
The reason he shows no remorse may be because he is actually telling you the truth, he may not have cheated on you and is actually hurt that you dont trust him.
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A
male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (25 October 2008):
Thats a tough situation dude. Have you made sure he has gotten tested also? chlamidya is a weird one right; he may have had it from his first g/f and just been a carrier of the disease and never known he's had it & genuinely has not cheated on you. He could be feeling pretty messed up with this and a lot of guilt y'know what I'm sayin? You have to reinforce that you love him and are committed to him and you're relationship. Once he has that reinforcement he'll probably come clean with anything if he did cheat and if he didn't you guys can look at this situation and how you deal with it as like foreshadowing into you're future when you'll be raising a family and dealing with much tougher issues. Anyway I hope this helps and I hope that you & your boyfriend are able to work through it.
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