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male
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anonymous
writes: How do I deal with my jealousy towards my son-in-law?My daughter (I'm her dad), whom I love with all my heart, has been married for 2 years and it unfortunately has had a negative effect on our relationship. I feel jealous of her husband. Now she goes to him with all of her problems rather than me and I feel like I've become less important to her as her marriage progresses. I miss her and want to have that loving and close relationship we used to have. How can I get my daughter back, or should I just be happy with the status qou?
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (6 August 2006):
 Empty nest Syndrome is useful phrase for identifying and encapsulating the feelings of sadness and loss that many women or men experience when their children no longer live with them, or need day-to-day care. This condition that can affect a parent around the time that one or more of their children leave home. It can also occur when a child gets married, because matrimony is a clear signal that Mum or Dad is no longer needed in the same way she/he once was.
It is quite normal to feel some sadness at this time. If, on the other hand, you are feeling that your useful life has ended, or if you are crying excessively, or if you're so sad that you don't want to mix with friends or go to work, then you should seek professional help - especially if these severe symptoms go on for longer than a week.
Your daughter does need your support, but will not want to feel swamped. And the more you cling or show that you're upset, the less likelihood there is of her contacting you.
So, ration your calls to no more than two a week. Also, some of the time try texting, or using email instead of phoning. This form of communication will probably suit your child better, too. After all, it's much easier for a young person to say: 'Hi, dad. I really, really miss you,' in an email - rather than on the phone where other people might be listening.
Meanwhile, you need some help and support for your feelings. Lean on your friends - maybe some of them are going through the same thing, or have gone through it.
http://www.emptynestsupport.com/
A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (6 August 2006):
 I would have liked to know more about your relationship with her husband and if they are local to you. Does he know how you feel or is he currently unaware of the situation?
You need to change your perpective, look for the evidence that she feels less about you. Does she come to see you or ring you?
have you had any arguments over this or are your feelings hidden?
Perhaps you could have a chat with her and tell her how you feel. If she is a sensitive and kind daughter she would respond positively. You are just feeling neglected and unwanted and missing being useful. Is there another way you could be involved in both their lives such as helping with decorating, gardening, minding children if they have any yet?
Everytime you feel unhappy about the situation, try writing it down and thinking of an alternative way of looking at it. You would not want her so dependent on you that her marriage suffered and you are lucky to have a daughter who is in a happy marriage.
Consider that when we have negative thought we focus on confirming those thoughts so you need to try very hard to turn that around and look for things that have happened that contradict the negative thinking. have you been invited for a meal or a day out?
have they asked your advice on anything or tried to include you in things?
To keep a good relationship with your daughter perhpas you need to give her a bit of space and tell her you still love her when she approaches you. Hard as it is make the times when she does see you a welcoming experience instead of a harsh one. It may be difficult if you are lonely but perhaps you need to fill the gap her going has left by meeting some new friends or taking up a new interest. College starts in Septemeber and you are never too old!
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