A
male
age
41-50,
*enyannette
writes:Hello people, i have a problem that i would like you to help solve.I was recently married and now we are bleby an 11months old boy. for the last 2months my relationship has been having its rocky parts.we been arguing and at times the arguments heat up so much. When it comes to such levels we keep quiet and this silence proceeds for 2-3days.for that reason the other day i wrote an email to my wife telling her how this dis-agreements may make us break up and in the email i also told her that due to the constant arguments i have been getting an attraction to other female mates and if we dont solve our fights then the attractions will grow into adulterous relationships.now reader did i do the wrong thing to tell her the truth and should her over-react over this attaraction thing?we have an age gap of 5yrs me being the older.Please advice
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 If you cheat it's because you value sex more than your wife's feelings. What would you think if she sent you the same email? It shows a real lack of respect for the marriage.
You two don't communicate very well. That is the problem. You will always get attractions for other women but they should be passing thoughts, not considerations that you actually need to deliberate in your head. You're married, not single. Work on communication. Days without speaking just builds tension and resentment.
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 I think that telling her this may make her feel even more insecure and this could lead to even more problems.
In a situation such as this, you really need to get some kind of discussion going, rather than an argument. You obviously know what you are arguing about all the time, so you need to concentrate on getting those problems sorted out.
Perhaps it would be an idea for you and your wife to go away for a weekend. Ask the grandparents to look after your baby for the weekend and take your wife away somewhere nice. This will give you and your wife the opportunity to spend some quality time together, in a an environment which will allow you to talk rather than give you momentum to argue.
This "time out" will allow you both to be open with one another.
Having a new baby is very stressful on a relationship, because you will both be tired, and stressed about things like finances etc.
You should never tell your partner that you are looking at other woman, especially in an email after you have argued because she will be hurting from your argument still and this will make her feel that you dont love her, insecure and probably very ugly.
Rather tell her this face to face so that you can explain yourself better! Tell her that you are having these feelings because you are not getting alone, but that if you can both work things out, you could salvage the relationship and be happy!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 Let me make sure I understand this. Just because you and your wife are having arguments you told your wife you feel entitled to screw around. Is that just about the gist of it? Why the heck did you get married to begin with? Since you do have a child you need to start acting like a responsible adult and try to work the kinks out of your marriage and forget about your "attractions". Sending that email was a real lousy thing to do by the way.
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