A
female
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*rangi
writes:Hi Im Frangi.I met the man i love 25 years ago. Recently we broke up again for the 50,000th time. He can be very difficult and closed about his emotions. I am open and like to communicate especially about our relationship. He says he's happy and never sees the 'problem'.He can get very nasty when i approach him and its often like walking on eggshells. We are independent and dont live together(mutual).I have gone away from him many times, only to grieve so much and then contact him. He often comes after me too.We are great for a while but then it collapses with the same patterns. Ive had other relationships but they dont compare to him. I need emotional reassurance from him, praise occasionally, as i know i'm good to him. But now i'm facing up to ending it once and for all and its painful, like withdrawal from a drug. Like a drug, i feel intoxicated when i'm with him, but i'm wise enough to know its not good.The worst of it is i'm 53, in poor health (Fibromyalgia) and live alone. He's the same. I think also we need each other and its a hard cycle to break.I guess i know the answer but support would be nice.Hoping you can help - thank you,Frangi xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Thank you, Frangi and write us anytime you need further help. Bless you, dear and best wishes to you too. Hugs xxx
A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Thx for your reply Frangi,
UYes i agree you need to end it for good. he's mean to you? I can understand attachments are difficult to break especially when you depend on each other, but if he's mean to you and punishes you? WHY WHY? WHY? You are a great person and deserve great people around you not a#$%%%sholes. Do yourself a favor, break it off for good, erase him out of your life completly, change your nr and email too if that will help you be stronger, ignore him completely, keep yourself busy with a new hobby and maybe even go and try making some new friends. We only live once and we should spend this lifetime being happy and with people that bring good things to our life not the opposite. Good luck hun:)
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reader, frangi +, writes (7 December 2008):
frangi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear wonderful irish
Thank you for your return reply. You've helped me to realise that i'm doing the right thing as painful as its going to be. Ive let him hold me back for too long. I did read the piece on co-dependency and although i could identify with a lot of it..there were some things that didnt fit.
However im feeling stronger already and more positive. Ive only had a computer for three weeks and ive been able to reach out to the world in ways i never imagined.
My world has been quite limited back here in little old england. Never dreamed that id be sharing my thoughts with a new friend in Canada.
I,ll keep you posted as to my progress but believe me im a strong and resilient person who has overcome many trials.
You are a gracious and wonderful lady and its been my good fortune to have met you. See, im cheering up already!!
Now i'll be free to be me again Irish, bubbly, bright and
optimistic.
Love and best wishes to you and your family...
FRANGI xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Dear Frangi, You are so welcome, hun, and bless you. I am sorry. This is a hard time for you as the future looks grim...and having your bf leave--will be a big, painful loss. You both, in spite of the unhealthier moments, had grown very comfortable and accustomed with each other. I for one, do not want to see you suffer. You had enough of that. To hear that you lost your precious only child is something, I can't even fathom, as a Mom to 3 kids. What a dear brave soul you are. Please be strong and keep your thoughts clear. Also please, be kind and good to you. Whatever you decide to do, please be reassured that you can come back here to this site and talk...there are good, caring folks here and it's a really safe and wonderfully warm place to be. We'd all dearly love to hear how things are going for you. Take care, hun. Hugs xxxx
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reader, frangi +, writes (7 December 2008):
frangi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Irish 49. You are so right and i thank you for your comments. I think i've allowed myself to be swallowed up in this relationship through fear of being alone which i have to face.I know though that given time i will grow. I dont really want to meet anyone else- because i'm ill and tired. We have tried to be just friends but our attraction for each other has made it impossible. A clean break is whats called for i know. I grieved for my only child (ten) who died 23 years ago and i know i'm going to have to do it again. Ive got to let my dreams go. I need much more than he can give me.It seemed to be all give from me and take from him.Believe me, he's not a bad man and has many good qualities and i'll miss him like crazy but i wouldnt be in contact with people like yourself if i didnt know that i have to let go. We have been breaking up more regularly lately with weeks and months apart because i'd been challenging him more often even though i feared his response.Thank you again for kindly taking the trouble to answer my question. I appreciate it more than you know.Frangi xxx
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reader, frangi +, writes (7 December 2008):
frangi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Plexi. Thanks for replying to me.
My instinct is that he cares for me a lot and can be very loving and affectionate. To be honest my head is spinning with all the questions that i ask myself.
The main problem is that he can be very punishing, like a austere and strict father. He'll talk about anything except his emotions of which he is very private and closed.
If he knew that i was talking about this, he would be very angry. Sometimes he over punishes me when he thinks ive 'done wrong'; like 5 years in prison for breaking a cup! He can use silence also. He is better than he was at the beginning of our relationship.
In the main i want us to be happy but im tired of not hearing the things i need to hear, of weeks or months apart when i'm 'punished'. Nowadays, he's always the one to make contact as if nothings happened but i'm not allowed to discuss it. I go back to him because he's the closest person to me and i miss him.
He has many other personality traits that i love and have never found in another man but because we are now breaking up more often i feel that its coming to its natural end. Its just so hard when you're my age because i really dont want another relationship and accepting its over is going to be like a bereavement.
I know its difficult for you to assess this problem as you'd need to know us personally but i think i've covered the main facts. No communication on the things that matter.
It would be interesting though to get your view on this and hope you'll be able to offer an opinion. Be as honest as you like.
Many thanks hun. Frangi xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): If you both have broken up several times, there is a reason you have been doing that. It sounds to me that you are enmeshed in a toxic, unhealthy situation, Frangi. This really sounds like a relationship with a lot of co-dependant tendencies on both your parts. Check out this link for a good explanation of co-dependancy:
http://www.usenet.co.za/nodrugs/art_codependancy.htm
Many, many people get involved in toxic unhealthy relationships. You can identify a toxic unhealthy dynamic when you feel that you are losing yourself to the control, wants, temper, or nastiness of another. In a toxic dynamic what really occurs, is does not consist of a mutual respectful connection but is fuelled by disrespect, power struggles and attempts to control the person one claims to love. This is just ongoing hurt and I think as hard as it is, Frangi, you must face it and deal with it. Your bf is not easy to disengage from, is he. It sounds that maybe you and this guy are doing a 'dance' here which is unhealthy, that for some strange reason you both get something out of it. This definitely is not in anyone's best interest of you and him, and it sounds like a painful place to be which is blocking your growth and your ability to experience a true, healthy love relationship. I really wonder if this relationship you are in, defies the true meaning of real love. Sweety, it really sounds like a relationship addiction - with both of you possibly being addicted to chaos, drama. You do know...that the truest love isn't supposed to hurt. It's not about disrespect, nastiness, verbal lobs, emotional neglect and abuse. It's sad because I see so many beautiful ladies getting caught up in this toxicity and they tend to "normalize" a relationship like this in their mind, when in fact it is actually pathological. Frangi, it sounds like you do know it's not normal...you have rationalized that out.
You cannot rescue anyone but yourself, hun. I recommend you just let go, surrender. Let go of anything or anyone that is not healthy for you in your life, being kind and gentle to yourself and safe in the knowledge that everything has purpose and meaning. Too many people stay stuck unhappy, destructive relationships due to an inability to cope with and a fear of loneliness. If you can relate to this please know that it is better and much more healthier in the long run to face the pain and challenge of loneliness than it is to remain in a toxic relationship.
Frangi, I know you have the courage to spread your wings and fly. But you have to start telling yourself that you don't need this unhealthy situation, in your life. You deserve to be truely happy with someone who can cherish you...go and find that. I wish you the strength to get yourself safely out of this situation. Take care, dear. Keep us posted on how you do. xxxx
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reader, Plexi +, writes (7 December 2008):
How does this man feel about you? why do you both keep comming back to each other? If you could have it your way what kind of relationship would you want from this man? its hard to give you concrete advice without knowing these things. I think i understand that you keep breaking up with him because its emotionally too taxing on you but what is it exactly that makes it so difficult? I would love to hear more....... good luck hun
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