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I made the mistake of admitting that I would glance at a stunner, now she wants to end it!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2007)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

I told my girlfriend that all men and women look/glance/stare at other women/men while not in the company of their girlfriend/boyfriend. She claims that she will aggressively turn away if she notices another attractive man and expects the same from me. I told her that while I do not ogle/stare at other women, I do glance rarely and briefly if a real stunner crosses my path. I thought I was being honest, but now she wants to break up because she knows some men will not cut an eye at a woman regardless of how exceptional she looks. Am I off base?

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

cd206 agony auntGoodness. Your girlfriend really needs to grow up. Is she seriously trying to say that she walks down the street looking at the pavement just in case a cute guy moves into her line of vision? I think you're better off without this kind of pressure to be honest but the only way you can get her back is to promise not to do it anymore and to me that sounds like a compromise she shouldn't even be asking you to make.

CD

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

How old is your girlfriend???? She really needs some growing up. Can't agree more with Pete...i think she will do you a favour leaving you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

There is a word for what your girlfriend is - its called insecure. There is another word associated with that, its called immature.

There is a word associated with your behaviour, and that is called honesty. You should never have to apologise for being honest. It is true that people are different and have different ways of thinking and behaiving, but people in relationships have to be able to accept eachothers differences.

We look at members of the opposite sex for a variety of reasons. One is that we are biologically programmed to, and we do not need to apologise for this. Sometimes we can lust after members of the opposite sex - this behaiviour is unacceptable, disrespectful, insensitive and degrading to your partner if you are in a relationship and should not be tolerated, but you are not doing that. Another reason we look is for an aesthetic appreciation of beauty. Again, there is nothing wrong with this.

In other words, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Anyone who agressively turns away from attractive members of the opposite sex is not behaiving authentically or being honest with themselves. It is ok to recognise that attraction, and also recognise that it is reletively meaningless in comparison to how you feel for your partner.

What is a question for you to ask yourself is: Why is my partner insecure? She is demonstrating her insecurity, you need to do some work on this with her, to get her to a place where you being yourself does not make her feel insecure.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

A part of me thinks your girlfriend is doing you a big favour if she breaks up with you for this ridiculous reason.

There is a huge difference between briefly glancing at someone when they cross your path and to ogle at someone. I agree with you, you were just being honest. I think this highlights some serious self-confidence issues with your girlfriend.

I suspect she has probably been in a relationship whereby her partner showed too much attention to other women and neglected her, or she has been neglected attention as a child, or worse, both. If she had enough confidence she would not feel so threatened by complete strangers walking past.

I think you need to see if she will agree that there is a distinction between mealy glancing at someone who happens to walk past you and ogling someone in a sexual way. If she can do this, then be a great supportive boyfriend and make her always feel the most important and beautiful women in your life.

If she can't even talk about this as a reasonable adult then I think her insecurities are too big and you will find them being more of a problem in the future.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

sorry but if your gf wants a partner that will walk around with his eyes shut and not appreciate beauty then her life will be very empty.

its a natural human action to look, its the control of whether you go further or not thats the judge of what makes us a good human. if she can honestly swear on the holy book that shes never once looked at another man then shes either a good lier or sexually dead.

i suggest you point out these small facts as she seems to have a trust issue which needs outing. point out that looking means nothing, help her out with her trust issue

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