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My wife is perfect but Im not happy, I have found true Love but feel I owe my wife too much to leave her!!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 February 2007)
A male Jamaica age 41-50, *aint writes:

I am a 36 year old man. I am married. I made a terribly mistake and got married because I was just too cowardly to say "I don't bother want to do this". I am married for 5 years now. There is almost no fun in my marriage. My wife and I have a little daughter. My wife is great educationally, financially, morally (she is like the blessed Mary) and spiritually. She extremely kind and is a christian and so was I. Because of the lack of fun (includes going out to fun places, jokes, games, sex and spontainety). I have cheated regularly. I don't want to do this anymore and have stopped. I don't want to live my life like that. I am a big man and I must do the right thing. I never stayed long with any of the ladies because I never wanted to hurt my wife and she has never found out nor have any doubts "she told me so". I end relationships quickly and keep the women far from my family (in every way). I planned to leave but then I met someone I am deeply in love with and she is deeply in love with me. I never wanted to leave my wife for someone else because I think it is too complicated and risky. I love my wife but not as I have loved before. My love for her is just so little. I know that I respect and appreciate her. My wife has done so much for me that I think everyday to bear it especially for my daughter but it never changes much and I feel so guilty. We have discussed the issues many times but she is just who she is. Can't blame her totally as she tries sometimes but she is just an exceptional lady that is basically boring. She is so lady like and exceptional I call her "Perfect". Now what do I do? I wanted to leave and be alone cause I was unhappy but here is Mrs. Right (this new lady with 90% of every quality I like). I am now in a new country and I have been so faithful I just love me. I know I am where I want to be in terms of maturity. What to do; can't hurt my wife cause she is wonderful and I respect her and we share a child and don't know what to do with my "new love" whose ways is what I have been searching for all my life. I met my new love after I had stopped cheating for almost a year (I lust could not do it anymore). We have been together for six months. I told her about my wife three months now. I told her everything and she nearly died but she is ok now. What to do, I have reasons to leave my wife but she is so good and has done so much for me and we share a child and 5 years of marriage. I wish I could disappear and lose the love of my life but not hurt my wife and still be able to se and spend time with my daughter and just suffer the consequences. Life is hard then you die.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007):

Hi,

I believe that you should take your time to examine your inner feelings alone... For example spend a day or two in a remote place surrounded by nature all by yourself. Nature heals and when you connect with the earthly forces you can meditate and be in silence. It seems that you have too many thoughts and are pressed for a decision. Ask your self why you are constantly searching for happyness in other women and why dont you search for fullfilment within you? Maybe your expectations are too high for your wife because of your own desire to fulfill your spiritual needs. I think you need to be alone for a while and find your self by meditating and becoming very spiritual and aligned with divine forces, as they will help you so much to make the best decision. Also, remember that once you make the decision to stay with the new lady or to stay with your wife you need to measure the consequences that will follow and if they will make you happy. At last, do not stay with your wife or do anything for anyone out of obligation, fear, guiltiness, or pitty, for this is not meanigful. For sure, you need to find meaning in your life. I wish you the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007):

don't understand the last part of your letter, are you dating the new love, and hows it working out between you?

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A female reader, liz24 United States +, writes (6 February 2007):

I do not believe in divorce. My husband is currently in an affair with another woman for 11 months now. After 3 months he was saying that he loved her and just yesterday he told me that he hates her and her ways. Honestly, you cannot know someone well just after 6 months. You may think the grass is greener on the other side but it may not be. Please go to http://rejoiceministries.org and ther you will see the amount of women, men and children who are devestated by their spouses and how their lives are turned upside down just as mine is.

I do think you should go to counseling but you need to put your all. Also, your wife needs to realize that you have these feelings and that if she doesn't change she will lose you forever.

My daughter is destroyed by her father's selfish acts. She is nine. Before you do the same to your daughter, please try your hardest to make this work.

Liz

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A female reader, liz24 United States +, writes (6 February 2007):

I do not believe in divorce. My husband is currently in an affair with another woman for 11 months now. After 3 months he was saying that he loved her and just yesterday he told me that he hates her and her ways. Honestly, you cannot know someone well just after 6 months. You may think the grass is greener on the other side but it may not be. Please go to http://rejoiceministries.org and ther you will see the amount of women, men and children who are devestated by their spouses and how their lives are turned upside down just as mine is.

I do think you should go to counseling but you need to put your all. Also, your wife needs to realize that you have these feelings and that if she doesn't change she will lose you forever.

My daughter is destroyed by her father's selfish acts. She is nine. Before you do the same to your daughter, please try your hardest to make this work.

Liz

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

Country Woman agony auntYou say you want to be a big man and do the right thing.

By cheating behind your wife's back I feel this is not fair to her. She may not be perfect but honesty costs nothing and you should have told her how unhappy you were before you went off with numerous women. In a way that is also cheating on your daughter and at the end of the day she is the innocent party in all of this.

You have put your wife up on this fantastic pedestal which is unrealistic, she may be perfect but if she was so perfect then you wouldn't need the outside excitement of other women.

Have you ever tried marriage guidance counselling?

You say you have tried to talk to your wife but unless you involve a third party I don't think she will understand how serious your unhappiness is and I don't think you are spelling it out for her.

It is unfair to live in a relationship which is not happy as this will in time affect your daughter and you are also having your cake and eating it as your wife is wonderful and so is your daughter but this new love in your life is great too.

Your wife needs to move forward to and be happy with someone new and you have to think about the fact that she may well have a new man in her life with your daughter and you cannot be selfish and hold everyone close to you.

It is never hard to face facts but this is the crunch time now don't spend the next 5 years living a lie and you all have to move forward in a way that will end up being happy for all of you.

Children are resiliant and whilst bitterness may come at the start put in place realistic support for your wife and child and regular contact say every other weekend but try not to involve the new woman when you spend time with your child as that would be confusing for her and also very hard for your wife to face. It should be about you and your child and only you and your child.

I think you are already feeling that this is the right move but try the counselling first if possile as then no one can say you haven't tried to save your relationship and work it out amicably.

Take care and best of luck.

Country Woman

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