A
female
age
36-40,
*lareamy
writes:I feel my partner has never properly grieved for his Mother. She passed away when he was 14 after battling with cancer for years but her death came quite suddenly. He has younger brothers who were 10 and 8 at the time. He is now 27.This is literally all I know. We have been to together for 9 years and he has never opened up to me about it. We have two small children together and recently got married. So the passed few years have been filled with special occasions she has missed. Also becoming a Mother myself has brought it home to me what she really went through and I cry about it to myself often. I have become quite close with his side of the family and they have filled in some of the blanks for me. His Father and Brothers NEVER talk about her. You can tell immediately they all find extremely hard to even mention, so this is why I have never pushed the subject. My friends and family constantly ask me about her, I never know what to say. Its always " I have no idea, he finds too hard to talk about". I know it sounds pathetic but I feel the whole family have this big connection or secret and I have no part in knowing.For the first time a few days before our wedding I pushed the subject during an argument. I said to him I feel he hasn't grieved properly since he can not even hear her name without immediately crying or bring himself to visit the grave. I said I feel a bit offended he can not confide in my after all these years. And I said the boys are going to ask questions soon and I won't have any answers.I regret it so much. He immediately started talking about and I cut him short. I said I shouldn't of pushed it and he shouldn't talk about just because he was pushed. I wanted him to tell me because he wanted to. Now I feel I have shut the doors forever since he hasn't even mentioned it since.I suggested counselling which he agreed to but I feel it was only to end an argument seeing as he has done nothing about it.Where do I go from here??
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female
reader, Clareamy +, writes (17 April 2013):
Clareamy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought I would update you on how things are going.He went for his first counselling session a few days ago and it went really well. He came out quite emotional like I thought he might. But he has been given some very good advice on where to go from here, so we feel much better about the situation. Thank you for those who answered my question.But I would like to say that "so very confused" (couldn't of picked a better name myself)was as usual completely rude, unhelpful, abrupt and insensitive. This is the second occasion I have put a question up and for the second time this "agony aunt" was so UNNECESSARILY rude and judgemental.If you do read this "so very confused" to answer your question- yes I do think you haven't grieved properly. My husband's counsellor said if you cannot bring yourself to think/speak/ or visit the person you have lost you have suppressed your grief and you have never truly grieved for that person. And this can come out later in life in very distractive ways.You also said "You have no clue how he has grieved for his mother or why he does what he does".I have every clue how he has grieved- he hasn't full stop. I seriously think you should re think this hobbie you have of being an agony aunt because you are no good at it. And if I had taken your ill thought advice and not given him the push he needed he wouldn't be where he is now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Death is a touchy subject but we are amongst the living. Couples should share everything and he should freely discuss this with you.
You have children. Everything is about them and not a grandmother that passed away so many years ago.
Please understand, this isn't about being disrespectful. Everything has limits and he is stretching this too far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): I don`t think you need to go anywhere from here. We all deal with losing loved ones in our own way. Maybe you don`t feel your partner has grieved in a way that you can understand but that does not mean he has not grieved and found his own version of peace. You might be feeling left out of a shared family experience and that is why you feel the need for details. But sometimes people don`t wish to discuss or share and you have to try and respect that and not feel offended.I`m sure he is not trying to insult you. He is just dealing with things in his own way. He is a man, he probably thinks quenching your thirst for knowledge on the subject of his mother and his grieving, will not bring her back...so why put himself through the angst of talking about it all. That`s a mans logic. That`s not to be confused with offensive behavior, so try not to feel offended. The best thing to do is to let him know you will support him, should he ever feel the need for professional counselling and leave it at that. Because pushing him to talk. Then pulling the rug out from under him and shutting him down when he did try discussing his mum with you, was not really very helpful for him. So if he needs help it will be better for him to have professional help and only he can decide to try that. It is not something you can make him do. As for your friends and family who are still asking about his mother after all these years! Just request that they stop because besides it being none of their business what happened to his mum or how he feels about it, they must be starting to irritate you with their questions after all this time!If you have had your second child recently and find you are dwelling on his mother too much and often crying about her, you might try having a check up because post natal depression can last for quite a while and you could be a little depressed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 YOU feel left out. You said "I know it sounds pathetic but I feel the whole family have this big connection or secret and I have no part in knowing."
you do not feel part of the family because of this.
You have no clue how he has grieved for his mother or why he does what he does.
My mother is dead nearly 18 YEARS. I was an "old lady" of 35 and the divorced mother of two when she died. I still cry all the time about her. I never go to her grave. I talk about her now and then but not regularly. Even 10 years ago I didn't talk about her regularly.
Are you prepared to tell me that I have not grieved my mother's death properly?
If he has agreed to go to grief counseling, I suggest that you put together a list of counselors (make it male and female old and young) and give him the list with the names addresses and phone numbers and say "here is a list of counselors, maybe you can find one you like" and leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 It's 13 years later... and he's STILL hasn't reconciled his Mother's death??????? Gawd, girl.... give this long and hard thought. WHAT are you going to face if he ever gets a SPEEDING ticket?????..... or, if one of his high school buddies moves out of town???????
You have described a guy who struggles with life's goings-on, that most people meet, face, and get past.... Are you ready to keep coddling this creature until HE passes on???
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 April 2013):
 HiEveryone deals with death in different ways, it must have been hard for them all being so young. If their Dad didn't 'keep her memory alive' they probably just kept their feelings in. They know she was ill for a long time and died.Maybe suggest going with some flowers to her grave, tell him you will go with him. That opens up the subject again in a natural way, you could buy the flowers beforehand and then he will know you mean to go.I have a relative who lost their mum when they were young, we all know how and why but nobody asks questions, they let it come out naturally from her. When your friends or family continually ask - which to me is rude - then tell them what you know, that's the only explanation they need.
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