A
male
age
41-50,
*hen_it_rains_it_pours
writes:About a year ago I married a beautiful sexy lady. Let's call her #1. She is smart and fun and all that. Neither of us have any children. Sex is great. A little while before we got married I met someone else (#2). It started out innocent, as friends. We soon realised we had everything in common and fell in love. I was going to break off the engagement and run away with this other woman. For some reason, I didn't. I realised soon after getting married that I had made a mistake. #2 was totally devastated and hurt, but is so sweet and forgiving that after I told her I thought I'd made a mistake, she has been patiently waiting for me to get my act together and make things right. She is more than just a pretty, sexy girl that is exciting because it's "forbidden". We have so many more things in common than I do with my wife. #2 says she has dated several men seriously before me but none of them were right for her, and none of them got along with her children. They don't remember their father because he left when they were very young. He has no ties to them at all. I know that if I stayed with my wife and ended it with #2 that she would be "the one that got away" forever...and I would forever be sorry. I also love my wife and don't want to hurt her but I know she would be better off with someone else who is completely committed to her. She doesn't know about #2 at all. I know you are going to say that I am faint-hearted. I also know that you are going to say that I have made a mockery of my marriage and the institution in general. I am eaten up inside constantly because of guilt from all these things I've done. I always thought these things happened to other (weak!) people and now I'm one of them. I just wish I could travel back in time and meet #2 first. Am I a fool if I think I can run off with #2 and assmiliate into her family's life and everything turn out rosey? Would she ever be able to forgive me for marrying somebody else first? Would we ever be able to trust each other? If I ended things with her and stayed with my wife, would I ever be happy or feel guilty, and wonder about #1 forever? Help!
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male
reader, when_it_rains_it_pours +, writes (25 April 2007):
when_it_rains_it_pours is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all of your constructive advice, mates.
I really do.
I have to ask tho...has anybody had any experience with the aspect of her having children already? I don't worry about anything between us being a problem, even though we haven't properly dated per se, and therefore gone through all the "couple" things/trials you normally do...but I was surprised nobody said anything about whether or not I was foolish for thinking it would work because of the children?
(btw we have discussed maybe having more). thanks again...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I was in a similar situation - except I hadn't got to the married part and woman #2 had/still has (or at least I think she has) no idea how I feel about her. I'd been with my ex fiancée for 4 years, but never really felt in love with her properly - although she was with me. I met woman #2 a year into my relationship with #1, but it was only after a couple of years I realised just how of #2 I am. I had doubts about marrying #1 anyway, so I guess it's slightly different to your situation, but I knew I had to end it with #1. I thought about telling #2 how I fancied her more than #1 when I was with #1, but I could never tell if it was a "grass is greener on the other side" sort of thing, plus I'm not convinced she felt/feels the same.
In the end I broke up with #1 (just over a month ago), with the help of #2, who has been a great friend through it and helped me realise doing what was the hardest thing I've ever done was the right thing to do for me, and for #1.
I still haven't told #2 how I feel about her (partly because I'm scared too as I don't know what she'd say, and partly because she's my best mate. I hope she feels the same way and if she does, I want to make sure I'm not using her as a rebound...which I think I'm sure of now).
I now know for certain that I did the right thing breaking up with my fiancee - I am much happier - I think the last time I felt as happy as I do now was when I first starting seeing my ex, possibly even before we fully got together!!
I do really like my best friend (#2)- enough to try and get a job near her instead of going anywhere in the world for "the perfect job", but only if she's interested (I sometimes wonder if she's in love with her ex - he broke up with her just over a year ago and they're good friends and still see each other a fair amount, and he wants to get back with her, but I wonder if she still wants him back. she says she doesn't but is she just saying that?.....guess that's a whole new thread ;) )
Whatever happens with #2, I know 100% that I'm on the right road to happiness.
I'm not sure if that actually has anything to do with your comments!!!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Get a backbone, man! Tell your wife the truth and file for divorce. She deserves to be treated with respect at least once in your relationship. I sure hope #2 knows what she getting herself into.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (25 April 2007):
 It sounds to me that you have made up your mind already about who you are in love with.
Tell wife the truth, get divorce before starting a new relationship.
Angel of Love
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): i think you have behaved like a coward and it doesnt sound to me it doesnt look like you truly love either of these women as you are hurting BOTH of them.you dont seem to realise the consequences of your very serious actions???
you will now have to grow up and face the fallout from destroying this first women??seeing as you have realised you made a mistake marrying the first lady then you will have to be brave for once in your life and say goodbye to her.you couldnt turn down the marriage so deal with this now and stop letting this poor wife of yours live a lie.YOU will have to be there for her for a while i imagine.at least to explain to her how you feel.do you think shell be able to cope?most women including myself would be in a terrible state if the man they thought loved them belonged to someone else.i think you should do everything possible for your wife when the **** hits the fan.how do you know if maybe your last minute nerves werent partly to blame for you falling for this new lady??hopefully its not a pattern you will repeat.face up to the mess youve created now before you dig yourself any deeper.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): love can be the biggest heart ache trust me but i say this your wife doesnt deserve this and if you really care for her than you need to figuar out who you want remember your wife doesnt know and loves you and has no doubt in her mind and is that fair for her to be in pain and is it not fair for you to be happy i think u and #2 need a break and you need to see if what you and your wife have is worth saving and if not than i think you need to let your wife go and let her find honest true love. but i say this heart ache can kill you if your not careful and keep in mind that if all ends than there will be alot of drama heart ache for either woman but you got to be wise leave the wrong one and you maybe unhappy for ever and if you dont pick youll tear your self apart and cause more pain if wifey finds out plus youll hate your self if you end up alone and just seriously im in your situation besides im the wife and it hurts because i know and he doesnt know yet. but good luck sweets
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A
female
reader, accused +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Ok I am going to spare you the whole "marriage" speech... ALthough I do feel that you need it (winking).. Here's my thoughts on your problem....
I feel that even if you let Lady #1 go and got with Lady #2 you are still going to be CONFUSED! more than you are now... and who's to say that if you and Lady #2 did get together that you would not find yourself in the same situation that you are in right now? apart of me feels that maybe you are really liking toward Lady #2 because its just what you said "FORBIDDEN" and we all want what we can't have....
I think that maybe you should explain to Lady #2 that you are married to Lady #1 and you owe her that right to see if your marriage will work.... If Lady #2 is as forgiving as you say she is then she will understand.... Ask Lady#2 to leave you alone and you leave her alone for awhile and you FOCUS on the WIFE at hand right now... and give it an honest go at it.... and know that in your heart you gave your marriage the chance it deserved, and if things don't work out then you can always go to Lady#2.
True Love will always find a way to work out! and if Lady #2 and yourself are truly in love then it will be... If you leave Lady #1 now and get with Lady #2 then you will constantly be a no win circle inside your head and heart..always asking yourself if you've made the right choice.... At least this way you will know that you gave your marriage a honest try and if it doesn't work out and you and Lady #2 get together then you two will have no questions if you are right for each other... There is no way for you too get our of this without someone being hurt.... but honesty now will only close the gaps for any misunderstandings in the future...
I truly wish you the best and Please keep me posted....
Remember: "THE GRASS MAY LOOK GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE, BUT IT STILL HAS TO BE MOWED".........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi, I don't think that you are faint- hearted, you just found the woman of your dreams, maybe your soul mate. Yes you did complicate things by getting married, but we all make mistakes in life, ( this one being a very serious mistake ). The whole point is that you are living a lie with you wife and as you said, she deserves better than this. She is going to be hurt but better now while it's early than later on. I am sorry that you are in a situation like this, I am a big beliver in LOVE and you should be with the woman you truly love and long for. You have to find a way to tell your wife about this, or that you made a mistake and that you do love her but not really inlove with her. You need to do something quick. i wish you the best of luck.
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