A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married 2 years. Been with my husband for 5 years. Problem is I'm lonely and don't know what to do. My husband has a child from a previous marriage. His child lives with my husband's mother everyday even though he pays his ex child support. My husband's mother is fine with it. Even offers to pay her bills. My husband is at his mother's home everday. He never comes home until it's bedtime. He has even spent the nights over his mother's. She knows I don't like it but has no problem with him staying. I'm tired of eating dinner alone and sleeping alone. I've talked to him about it and he makes me feel I'm taking away his time with his child. I'm not trying to but what about my needs? I think I want a divorce because I don't want to cheat. But I do love my husband. Im just tired of being alone. He doesn't want counseling. Am I being selfish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): That's crazy if he can't get along with your child.....and it's only been what? Two years in the marriage, and you guys have already had to seek therapy on this matter? Something is not right with the grandmother or your husband. I would like to know what's up with this custody thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I've talked to his mother who was not happy about the way he went for custody so she didn't support him. She supports the ex even financially. She claims she's doing what's best for her grandchild. Ooh just so you know my kid isn't included on anything. I know him and the ex don't get along. They use to go to counseling but do not talk as far as I know (this is what he says). Typing this out really shows me how terrible my marriage has become. Thanks for replying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Well...maybe there is something else going on? You don't think your husband is seeing the mother of the child again to do you? Have you tried to invest. why your husband's mother does not trust him with keeping his son for the most part?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Zayla80. The thing is I'm a parent also. He keeps his son separate from us. That's another part to this story. He use to bring his son over but I don't think he does as often due to the distance which seems rediculous to me. I've tried all of what I know. I've paid partially for the lawyer. I'm sorry if I sounded selfish in my initial statement but I'm at a lost. I just feel like giving up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Before you married this guy you knew he had a child and more than likely than not, he was probably doing pretty much the same thing he is doing now that you guys are married. I don't know all the details, so I can't say the whether or not the mother of the child is lying or not...it sounds fishy that your husband doesn't have custody of the child...so to me that can be a red flag of some sort.Even his own mother, doesn't trust him to have full custody of the child.
If you want to be with her husband so much,then why don't you go and spend the night at his mother's place and be with the child as well? I have not heard you mention anything about you wanting to bond with the child, spend time with the child or anything...so that is also a possible red flag to me as well. You don't have to spend nights at a time at your mother-in-laws house, but just to show your support, do it sometimes. You seem to focus more attention on wanting to be ALONE with your husband, based on what you wrote and even if the child moved in with you guys, are you prepared to be a great mother? Are you prepared to treat the child as it was your own flesh and blood? Or will you be thinking the same thing..wanting time ALONE with your husband instead of FAMILY time with the child included? Think about that for a moment.
Overall, I think something is not right about this entire child custody situation...your husband's own mother doesn't seem to trust him with his OWN child and that to me speaks volumes. It's great that somebody has this child's best interest at heart...too much child neglect and abuse going on in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso he does have legal custody ever other weekend and every Wednesday but he's at his mother's everyday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! We've went to court for custody but his mother sided with the ex and not us! She even lied to the judge saying she doesn't keep him. I think my MIL loves it. I've told her my concerns and she just makes excuses for my husband and his ex. I'm trying to give all before it's done. I wish there was a better solution.
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male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (11 August 2010):
Why dont the child come live with you guys?
Then you can have him to yourself everyday.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): He is the one being selfish. It sounds like he has a very distorted way of looking at his responsibilities. He may feel guilty that his mom has to watch the son. He may feel guilty that he cannot be with the son. If the mom is such a deadbeat that she collects child support and money for bills but doesn't watch the child, why doesn't he file for custody? I would definitely suggest that. The courts will support this if he can prove the mother is getting the money but is not watching the son. That money is for the care of the child...NOT FOR HER!
My marriage fell apart in a similar manner: My father in law died at a young age (54) and my wife's family fell apart. He basically did everything. My wife took on the role of taking care of her mother after that (even though her mother was only in her 50's as well). Many nights and every weekend for many many months, she was with her mom and sister. I was lucky to get an hour of time alone with her a week. Sex was scheduled, if it happened at all. That, along with much of the rejection I experienced, broke my will to stay in the marriage. Only, I cheated, and that killed any effectiveness at counseling, which we tried. So don't allow this without really talking to your husband or getting a counselor involved. If you don't, or can't, you will grow to resent your husband or your MIL or both, and it could kill your marriage. You married HIM first. yes, his son and mother are part of his life, but so are you. Both of them should understand this and do something about it...not just let you sit there.
If he won't listen, have the talk with his mother. It sounds like he's a mommas boy, so he may listen to her over you. That's not a good situation, if you ask me, but if you love him and are OK with that, then his mother is the key. If SHE won't see your problem and help, this marriage may be doomed, I'm sorry.
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male
reader, Cloverfield  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 No, not at all. You're husband is being selfish to a truly gargantuan degree.
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