A
male
age
36-40,
*tressed3636
writes:Hey guys,I never post on these types of sites, but I have been searching the web for answers, because I am just torn and confused as to what to do: I am a 25 year old male law student, and have been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years. I love her very much, but she is so over-bearing and needy, and its to the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore.As some of you may or may not know, law school is incredibly hard. It is more reading than a person should do, and it is some of the most dense and confusing stuff. On top of that, law school is really expensive, and there way too many lawyers waiting tables and making cappaccinos right now. I need to get good grades to keep my scholarship, and like most law students, I am usually doing internships, etc. which are great experience, but also very time consuming.My girlfriend is the opposite in terms of her schedule. She teaches 2nd grade, and gets home at 3 pm, with next to nothing to do. I do everything I can to make sure she's happy. I spend my weekends with her always, and come over and hang out as much as I can. I do things like take her out to dinner, buy flowers etc. to let her know that I still care, but the fact is that I always have something I need to do, and I don't think she understands.On one hand, if I were in her situation, I don't know how I would react. When I was in college, I dated a girl who was pre-medical school, who studied way more than me, and was much busier. I honestly didn't care and I never fought with her about it. I was totally content watching tv, surfing the internet or reading magazines while she studied in the other room.My current girlfriend yells at me, tells me I'm a workaholic and then gets extremely passive aggressive (which often becomes non-passive aggressive pretty quickly). Whenever I have exams, I am stressed out and just want her to make me feel at ease, but she seems to take offense that I have to study all the time. If it were up to me, I would have more free time, but I am nervous about my scholarship, the job market, etc. and I keep telling her that it is probably in her long-term interest that I do well too. Anyways, whenever I get busy (usually exam time), my girlfriend and I fight non-stop. It makes a stressful time 10x worse. I can't study because I'm upset fromf the fighting, and I can't focus on her or have a good time, because of the exams hanging over my head.I'm sick of fighting, and feeling like I'm not doing good enough. I try all the time to see her point of view, but feel like she's not seeing mine. We've talked about it so many times, and it has seemed like it would get better, but it always seems to revert to this. The thought of not being with the girl I have spent the last 3+ years with and planned on marrying is upsetting, but the thought of independence is getting nicer all the time. I feel like I am always being told what I'm doing wrong, and under pressure to live up to her needs. Does anyone have any ideas? Have any other couples had similar problems and actually worked them out?
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male
reader, Stressed3636 +, writes (10 May 2010):
Stressed3636 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarieclaire:
I never said that my "life is work", I don't know where you got that. I will never let work become my entire life, friends, family, hobbies and relationships always have a place in my life and they always will. What I was saying is that to be a lawyer/law student in this economy is hard work, and I feel like she is not understanding, and she is putting a lot of pressure on me.
Its different here in the states than in Ireland. In Ireland law school is an undergraduate degree, and the state pays for your college. Most law students here in the states are older and graduate with $70-$200,000 (about 30-120,000 Euro) of student debt, and (much like my understanding in Ireland) the job market is God awful. I am a hard working guy, but more than anything, I want to start a family and get out of debt one day, and the combination of the economy, the work load of law school, the enormous debt I have hanging over my head, and a girlfriend that seems to want more than I can give is really taking its toll on me. The past few weeks I have had serious back pain, jaw pain and sleep problems from the stress, and it sucks because my whole life I've been a fun-loving and easy going guy. I want her to make me feel better and not worse.
And about breaking up: you say that the fact that we've been together three years isn't a reason to stay together, but that is not why I would hope to work things out. I understand that it could've sounded like that based on what I said, but I want to stay with her because I love her, she's a great person, and for most of the time we've been together things have been great. The studying/work and (what I perceive to be) neediness is getting to me, but I do hope to find a way to make things work.
A
male
reader, Stressed3636 +, writes (9 May 2010):
Stressed3636 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses. They are all helpful.
Marieclaire: I really do try to get her to understand, and sometimes she does, but when I get really busy or stressed she doesn't seem to. I live down the street from her and stay over at her house 3-4 nights a week, so I don't know how much good a video would do. But I agree with you, that doing things to show I care can go a long way.
Bigsister, I think that is well put. She lives with another girl, and seems to be jealous of her roommate's relationship, even though he lives out of town, and they only hang out on weekends. I guess the grass is greener on the other side. I agree with you 100% about her needing to be happy within herself. I'm the type of person that likes to be left alone sometimes, even if we're in the same place. Sometimes, we'll be together, and I just want to watch Sportscenter, study, read the news, talk to friends online, etc. and not communicate. I like hanging out with her, but I can't be lovey-dovey and giving her attention 24 hours a day. I don't know how to tell her that without offending her, and even if I did, I don't know how effective it would be.
I'm also nervous about the future. There are some lawyers who really need to put in a lot of hours for their job. There of course are some who manage to work the 40 hour work week. And for lawyers my age, it this part of the country, sadly there are a lot that are working part time or volunteering at the DA/Public defender's office while they bartend at night. Its just the reality of this economy. I personally would have no problem working part time, and bartending or waiting tables at night for a year or two, if it comes down to it, or working a job that requires a lot of hours, but I feel like both would lead to more fights.
Maybe, she just needs someone who is less career oriented/inherited a lot of money ;) Maybe, I just need someone is more laid back, and doesn't need as much affection all the time. If we did break up, it would be devastating too, because its been a good relationship for the most part, and 3 1/2 years is a long time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Beware ,my friend. That may sound unromantic,but I think
you should absolutely not jeopardize your chances for a fulfilling career because you have to dance attendance around an immature,self-centered partner.
It's not like you were subtracting time from your relationship to play air guitar or watch porn movies.
What you are doing is very very important- both for your happiness ,which she should care about, and for your possible future together.
She should understand that, -but if she did not in the last 3 and a half years, I am not very optimistic about your chances to make her understand that now.
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A
female
reader, bigsister83 +, writes (9 May 2010):
It sounds like your girlfriend needs a big dose of assertiveness training. You might need some too, as it sounds like you are often the passive to her aggressive. I would seriously consider taking at least an assertiveness workshop together. It sounds to me like a solid relationship with some communication problems mixed in with a genuinely stressful period in your life. It shouldn't always be this stressful, but if you two can learn to communicate more effectively with each other now you will be so much better off in the future. Look at some of your own people pleasing behavior and realize that you are not in charge of her happiness. You can contribute to her overall happiness with life, but ultimately it's got to start within her. She needs a hobby, some good girlfriends, a therapist, etc. but she cannot sit around waiting for you to entertain her twenty-four hours a day.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Suggest you take a 4 week break from each other and see how you feel then?
Your career is far more important than she is now!
Admot it too you are not that bothered about losing her!
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