A
female
age
30-35,
*onelyisland
writes:Ok. So i have been reading peoples posts on here for days and have finally plucked up the courage to ask for some advice on here. The p[roblem is i dont think i really know where to start... but here goes.I met my current boyfriend when i was 17. It was a whirlwind young romance he was 22 at the time. We both fell very much in love he was totally bessotted with me. for the first year and a half we were sooo happy together, we cherished every single moment we had together. Then i started uni, i chose a university close to home (despite it not being up to the standard i really could have gone to) i was actually accepted to oxford. Quickly my parents disliked him, they made it very difficult for us to be content. Half way through my first year at uni, i was raped i dont want to dwell too much on this. I couldnt face discussing it with him and told him i needed space which he could not give me. I pushed him away and we split up for a month. In that time i became a hermit, wouldnt leave the house and began to drink excessivly. The whole time we were apart i was desperate for him to come back, until eventually i phoned him, blirted the whole sorry situation out and he agreed to meet me the next day. We met, and we got back together, i began to spend more and more time at his houseshare until i was practically living there, we then moved out and got our own place. Since we have been back together, the tables have turned, my once adoring boyfriend has become passive aggressive, verbally and sometimes physically attacking me (which i must admit i can often provoke). There have been several issues with girls on facebook. Lies. Small ones then big ones. But this is the current situation, we dont talk, we dont communicate. I have been slowly clouded in this black hole of self loathing and self-destruction. I dont feel loved, i dont look after myself where as all my life i have maintained a perfectly primed look. I hate myself, sometimes i look in the mirror and i cry so hard i make myself physically sick. We are always together, but i feel so alone. I am failing a course i should be nailing. But sometimes we will go for weeks when we get on. I always say im going to leave i pack my bags, he tells me to go, and i always come back. Please do not get me wrong i love him soo much but i dont like him.We never go out, when we do i am never allowed time to get ready, or put make up on. I somtimes spend all day making a romantic meal and do my hair and make up and he doesnt bat an eyelid. It really has got to the point now where i can sit in all day crying and i couldnt even tell you what about. I dont really know what i am hoping to achieve from this. But i really hope someone out there can try and help me understand why this is happening to what was once such a great relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): I don't think you actually love him either, just that you need the security represented by being in a relationship (and maybe the trauma of being raped reinforced that need for security) so that's why you can't leave him.
I'm sorry that you've been raped. that's an extremely traumatic experience, and it could have left scars on you that are making you emotionally unstable and self-loathing now. And then your bf's abusiveness just adds even more to messing you up. You're already vulnerable from being raped and he's kicking you further when you're down, no wonder you're such a mess right now. I would advise that you seek counseling ASAP.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (29 January 2012):
 I know you said you don't want to dwell on it, and maybe this trajectory of events would have occurred regardless of your rape, but it seems like a couple of things might be happening:1) he doesn't know how to handle you after that event and he may even be one of those terrible people who feel like you've been tainted, or not as desirable because of what happened to you.2) you are going through a depression spurred from your trauma, which is why you aren't taking care of yourself and could be why you're both having trouble coping with this new living arrangment, or why his behavior towards you have changed, when before he knew you as taking care of yourself. maybe he sees the change in your self esteem and doesn't find the change one that makes him feel the same way about you3) you've grown apart.In all of these scenarios, you never deserve to be miserable in your living situation, especially with the one you love. It can be claustrophobic to find that the person you thought was your refuge is actually your worst enemy, and especially if things are becoming physically violent, you should move out and take some time to focus on yourself. It completely makes sense that you needed some time to yourself and pushed your bf away during the time where you needed him most, but even since reaching out to him, he has not stepped up to the plate. maybe originally he was supportive, but it's becoming an environment that is not stable for you and you need stability right now.I would suggest moving in with a friend, moving back home, or transferring, and getting counseling (if you feel like you need him in your life, consider couples counseling but I don't think he is invested enough in the relationship to get that luxury with you). I know you want to just put your trauma behind you but you've tried it on your own it seems like, and things are getting worse. Please seek extra help, it could be the best thing that happens to you this year. Also you didn't mention it much but you should also reach out to others (friends, family) to create a better support network in your time of healing. Escaping into your own head only makes things worse and can entrench depression. I hope this helps, please keep us posted.
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