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I love him but he shuts down when I mention sex!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm not really sure who to turn to so I guess I came here.

I'm 21 years old and I have been married a year and a few months, but I have been with my husband a year before. So about 2 1/2 years together total. When we first got together we just wanted a one night stand but after we had sex multiple times, we decided we wanted to be together. We had sex at least once a day sometimes more then it started to dwindle, when I asked him why he told me he didn't want our relationship based on sex. I completely understood. We kept on with our relationship, dealing with the bumps along the road.

On our honeymoon we went to a motel and instead of being intimate and doing what most couples do on their honeymoon, we had sex once that did not last long. (Sadly he's never lasted very long, which again has never bothered me until now.)

I love my husband dearly and he says he loves me too, but the way things have been going I'm not sure anymore. When I try to talk to him about it, he shuts down and says all I want is sex. Yes, I admit I want sex a great deal but I have stifled my sexual appetite to try and please him. I have tried stimulating him, dressing sexy, speaking dirty, and simple make out sessions. Nothing has worked, and I'm getting frustrated. I've even started eating healthy to lose a bit of weight to try and get him to react.

I've also heard from one of his friends that the reason he doesn't want me this way is because he's not attracted to me anymore. I asked him about it and he said that it wasn't true. I think I believe him... I'm just not sure anymore.

I love him so very much and I don't want to lose him, but the way things have been going with the lack of intimacy and our frustrations with my depression over it has put a strain on us. I'm making him miserable and it's killing me which is making me miserable. I don't know what to do, I want to be with him but I want him happy and I keep thinking if we split maybe he would find someone much better for him.

Any honest advice or opinions would be great. Apologies for it being so long. (Sidenote: We've tried an open relationship to help us, it didn't work so we closed it. We have no animosities stemming from it, and other than that neither of us have had any outside relationships.)

Advice needed!

View related questions: one night stand

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate your help, but what I forgot to mention was that no he doesn't want me to play with him, and I have told him over and over that I don't care how long he lasts that I enjoy it none the less. That I would simply be happy with him playing with me and attempting to get me off, but he won't. I'm not sure what to do. And I don't think he's worried about getting me pregnant, so far I am unable to have children. I just, don't know.

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A female reader, jam22 United States +, writes (27 July 2009):

jam22 agony auntThis is truly a question for a professional therapist or marriage counselor. There is obviously communication lacking here, and I think professional counseling will help you two with your problems. Good luck to you..

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2009):

smeedle agony auntWell this is a hard one, You are obviously struggling and that is making you depresses, you are going around in circles and getting nowhere.

Sounds like you had a very active and varied sex life befin the beginning then as time went on it just dwindled, how much sex do you have now?

Maybe you both need to go and see a sex therapist, they will help you with the emotional and any physical issues that you both have.

It is not likely to be that he has gone off you even if it appears like this as if that were the case he could just leave you, its more like he has got it into his head somewhere that your relationship is purely based on sex and that he wants to make sure that there is more to it than that and has just took that a little too far and now has gone off sex altogether.

Does he like you to play with him, is it just intercourse he has gone off or the whole thing.

Maybe because he does not last long he feels you are not satisfied and its in his head that you want more than he can come up with.

When we get thoughts like this into our head no matter how silly they can just grow and grow and it becomes a huge problem which can manifest in physical ways.

Is he worried about getting you pregnant?

You still love him and he loves you so with some outside help you should be ok

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