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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, hope you can help. My fiance and I are getting married in August, we already have two children together (under two years old) We seem to argu alot? I get very depressed but I am too ashamed to talk to anyone...I love him very much and want to be with him forever but he is so un-emotional its starting to get to me? the spark has gone. I feel he just see's me as a mum and someone who stays at home with the kids...when we 1st met he couldn't keep his hands off me? I had a good job in a bank and my own place and now I rely very much on him and his funds, I feel a wee bit useless and because I feel crap about that and my 'after pregnancy body' I always acuse him of cheating on me? I dunno why.When I try to talk to him about my 'after pregnancy body' and my having no money/job and how it gets me down..he doesn't want to talk because he is so tired after working all day...So I cry and then the discussion gets heated and we argu and then we both make promises: I promise to try and keep my chin up if he promises to show me more affection but it fades out in a few weeks....Its just hurting too much to be with him but I can't leave...I want us to work but I can't talk to him, please tell me what I can do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2006): Happiness and contentment comes from inside you. All that you do and say, will affect your family, in one way or another. You may be feeling like a failure because you aren't contributing financially-like you've lost 'a personal sense of purpose'. You are undertaking the love, direction and guidance of two children that you love with all your heart. That is the most moumental responsibility many women undertake. They understand the importance of doing what they do. You can always go back to your career later, but you can never regain lost time with your babies.
Your frustrations may be inadvertantly coming out at your partner and he's shutting down, emotionally to cope. Your relationship with your partner, will affect your children and taking care of that relationship is critically important, too. Both of you are forgetting about each other. Remember what brought you two together in the first place that led both of you creating two beautiful children. So..arguing is pointless..you both need to 'talk to each other' calmly and respectfully.
Tell him that you love him, you cherish him. Tell him you are concerned about the difficulties in your relationship. Tell him that you would like to find ways as to how to get over these problems and have a loving, honest, trusting, committed relationship. Sometimes, in a relationship, when one person is floundering, the other mate takes charge, gently, lovingly, and firmly. All love relationships go through these sorts of problems. I hope he is supportive and understanding. If you both can't do it on your own..check into some family/couple counselors. I support and respect women who decide what's best for their families. As Smeedle mentions, you might want to think about reagining that 'sense of self' back again by working part-time. Some of us lose ourselves, when focused totally on child rearing. I think working part-time will still give you a good feeling that you are contributing and focusing on life outside the home. Plus it still gives you time to spend with your babies. Remember, they need their Mothers to love and nurture them. But you may find that working part-time, will make life feel good and well balanced and when Mom is happy...everyone benefits. So go for it. Good Luck.
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (7 March 2006):
 First thing you need to do is regain your self respect and to do this you need some independance, this could be a part time job, look into this and the costs of nursery.
My sister has got a 9 month old baby and she has returned to work on a part time basis even though she has to use family to child mind one day of the week and pay a nursery the other 2 days, (he government may pay you up to 60% of child care costs) She actually only comes home after all costs with £18 per day but for her it is worth it.
She has now got people to talk to and she has a small income of her own, she has to get dressed smartly and feels she is more than just a mum again.
You may not be able to do this so need to find something to get you out of the house and prefferably away from your babies for awhile.
You may have a touch of post natal depression and so need to go see your GP or talk to the health visitor, you cannot ignore this and hope it goes away as it wont.
You know something is not right with your mood as you indicate as much in your letter so please get your self checked out.
Your body has just given birth and carried two children so it will be a bit out of shape, you can when you have got your depression sorted out, think of joining a gym or if you cannot afford this then go to your local sports centre they have keep fit classes and oftern have a nursery, also swimming is cheap and good for your body tone.
"Your bloke needs to "get real" the babies he helped make have caused some short term damage to your body but nothing time and effort cannot put right.
Please see a doctor and get your self checked out.
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