| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now. We obviously started out great and this lasted for a few months, but over the last few months she has become more and more distant. We have a long-distance relationship (1 hr. drive) so we see each other on the weekends and talk on the phone during the week. She is nine years younger than me, but has had about 5 times as many relationships as me. Also, she is very busy with work.At any rate, we used to talk on the phone several times a day and would email each other cute little things often.. Over the last 6 or so months I noticed that she wouldn't call as often during the day and the emails on her end have all but dried up. We still talk once a night, but generally it's right before she has to go to sleep, and it's usually only like 5 minutes or so. I've brought it up to her several times and she has said that if I want to call her, I can, whenever. But when I do it's always a bad time, or I get her voicemail and leave a msg asking her to call me.. Which she eventually does.. Right before she goes to sleep.I should also mention that I've had a couple yelling (on my end) arguments with her regarding the fact that she doesn't seem to care much about how I feel, that she neglects talking to me and making me feel special. I compliment her often and do things for her quite a bit, and NOT in a way that is manipulative.. It just seems like the stuff to do in a relationship and it's always heartfelt. She, on the other hand, doesn't say much to compliment me. She doesn't take it upon herself to ever do anything nice for me or surprise me. I feel like she barely cares. And I've told her several times.I've found that she's had these problems with most of her other boyfriends as well. She has a lot of trouble "giving herself to a person." I've told her many times that I love her dearly and will be there for her. Although she tells me that she loves me too, it doesn't really feel like it. What I'm beginning to wonder is if she just loves having a boyfriend to dote on her, not necessarily ME per se.Everyone who knows her tells me that she is a good one, that she doesn't cheat etc. I have still had some major jealousy issues with her in the past. That and those aforementioned arguments got me to decide to seek counseling, which I've gone to for two weeks now. The counselor does a type of hypnosis that relaxes me quite a bit. This helps, but I still feel like our relationship is on the skids.She is very independant and busy. I am also VERY busy, but I'd make time for her whenever. She doesn't make time for me very much. And I've told her how I feel many times, CALMLY. And she knows I'm working on my end. Trying to be a better person for me first, her second. NOW here's something that should tip me off: I've heard through the grapevine that she has mentioned that she's been feeling like our relationship is not right for her. That she can't put a finger on it, that it's just a gut feeling, and she's been feeling like that for months now. She's said that she doesn't want to lead me on but she doesn't know what to do. I haven't called her on this verbatim, but I've got us talking about our relationship, how it's come to a standstill. She says she feels like something is missing, she doesn't know what. She says she loves me.Meanwhile, she hangs out with her friends (drinking) quite often during the week. This used to piss me off on jealousy alone, and also that she'd be drinking every night. I've let it go, as much as possible (it still bugs me but I'm cheerful about it when talking to her). In the past I would tell her I didn't like it when she'd talk to a certain guy. This guy stole my ex-girlfriend, and I told her that. Last weekend she went out bar-hopping with friends to celebrate a raise at her job. She told me later that she talked to him and he complimented her on her hairstyle. She knows that I've been grappling with my jealous nature and it seemed like she was baiting me a bit. I didn't say a thing about it. She's out at the bar as we speak.I have been trying my best to be "the old me" - the one who was funny, kind of a smart ass, not getting pissed off about little stuff like I used to. It seemed to work okay last weekend. Better than the last couple months' worth of weekends before that. That relaxation stuff helped. But overall I still feel like:She neglects me.She doesn't care about my feelings.She may not actually love me, though she says she does.I am a low priority in her life.She would rather hang with her girlfriends than with me.Our relationship is floundering, with no room to grow.andIT ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.I'm assuming every rational person is going to tell me to break up with her. I probably should. But I love her and if there was any way to salvage what we once had, I'd do it. Any help vastly appreciated, and sorry I had to write a novel.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): Wow, sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I think you already know what the reality is here, but I TOTALLY understand what you are feeling, because I have just gone through the same thing, in fact, I think you could fairly say that I am still going through it, although I may be able to give you some hope. Ninety-nine out of 100 situations I have seen it's merely a formality- by the time someone is at the point of asking for advice, the girl has emotionally moved on already. She is just "loitering" the relationship-that is, until she gets her eye firmly fixed on the new beau.
There are many similarities between our experiences, the major difference is that your relationship is long distance. What I would say to you is that you should back up for a while. Don't tell her you are going to do this, or why you are doing it, you will blow the whole point of it. From what I understand, most women like to have a little mystery, some sense that you are interesting, and maybe you could be a challenge to land. It sounds like you have made yourself too available, too willing to join her, seeing her exclusively. She may interpret this as you being a bit clingy, and feel that you are smothering her a little bit. She may be tired of the routine. After 10 months I must say that several calls throughout the day, possibly texting, and emails, she is probably feeling crowded, and it may be that it seems intrusive to her. I was doing the same thing...exactly the same thing you were. I was trying to show her what a great partner I would be, (look how committed I am, going to show you how reliable I am, how much I think about her, etc.) Then you see her pull away, and you panic, and try even harder. This almost always backfires and backfires BIG! My advice would be pull back yourself. She is currently holding all the cards, and she has total control of the relationship....and she knows it! You have got to even things out, level the playing field. You don't want her to feel that she would be settling by being with you. I would simply not call her for a few days. Don't be cold, but don't do the regular routine, she is bored to death with it, I can almost guarantee it. So stop calling her for a few days, don't make any effort to communicate with her. If she texts or emails, acknowledge them, just tell her you are busy with something-but don't engage her about your relationship. Just tell her you are preoccupied. Don't be the one to start the relationship talk. Try not to tell her this before doing it, you will ruin the premise. Tell her you have some concerns, and that you need a little time to sort things out. Again don't tell her this before. Make her to call you, it may also help you see if she really cares about you. She will likely be asking herself why hasn't he called? When she doesn't have instant access to you it will start eating at her. She will want to know why you aren't calling. Especially if the first time or two, you won't tell her why you aren't calling When you do have this talk, DO NOT get excited, or upset! You might drive her away. Be calm and rational, but tell her you are having doubts about the relationship, and you aren't getting what you need right now. You are unsure of what you are going to do. Don't be arrogant, or put her through the ringer. Just be calm and if she cares for you like she says this is going to throw her off guard. She needs to know that you are going to stand up for yourself, and that you refuse to be treated poorly. You aren't willing to settle for less than you deserve, and you aren't a doormat. You have to begin the shift the balance in the relationship until it is close to equal. If she cares about you, she will call before long. If she doesn't call, might be time to re-think things. Do you really want to be with someone that has such little-regard for you? Just a heads up BTW, My relationship is starting to improve but you have to keep making her come to you for a while, until you are content with the way things are going. Be strong, and know this- If you are hurting as much as I did you are currently completely miserable, sorry about the suffering. It isn't really the end of the relationship that is the worst, its the fact that you can see it coming, and feel like you are ineffective to do something about it. Good luck to you, I mean that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): i know if anyone does how hard it is to let go of someone you love. but sometimes we dont have a choice and tring to get them to see how you feel right now will just make things worse. look if she is ignoring you and becoming distand, thats one thing. but she is going out frequently with her friends? i dont know, but it doesnt seem to sound like she is truly ready for what you have to offer her. its hard i know, but its her loss.
...............................
|
