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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now. We obviously started out great and this lasted for a few months, but over the last few months she has become more and more distant. We have a long-distance relationship (1 hr. drive) so we see each other on the weekends and talk on the phone during the week. She is nine years younger than me, but has had about 5 times as many relationships as me. Also, she is very busy with work.At any rate, we used to talk on the phone several times a day and would email each other cute little things often.. Over the last 6 or so months I noticed that she wouldn't call as often during the day and the emails on her end have all but dried up. We still talk once a night, but generally it's right before she has to go to sleep, and it's usually only like 5 minutes or so. I've brought it up to her several times and she has said that if I want to call her, I can, whenever. But when I do it's always a bad time, or I get her voicemail and leave a msg asking her to call me.. Which she eventually does.. Right before she goes to sleep.I should also mention that I've had a couple yelling (on my end) arguments with her regarding the fact that she doesn't seem to care much about how I feel, that she neglects talking to me and making me feel special. I compliment her often and do things for her quite a bit, and NOT in a way that is manipulative.. It just seems like the stuff to do in a relationship and it's always heartfelt. She, on the other hand, doesn't say much to compliment me. She doesn't take it upon herself to ever do anything nice for me or surprise me. I feel like she barely cares. And I've told her several times.I've found that she's had these problems with most of her other boyfriends as well. She has a lot of trouble "giving herself to a person." I've told her many times that I love her dearly and will be there for her. Although she tells me that she loves me too, it doesn't really feel like it. What I'm beginning to wonder is if she just loves having a boyfriend to dote on her, not necessarily ME per se.Everyone who knows her tells me that she is a good one, that she doesn't cheat etc. I have still had some major jealousy issues with her in the past. That and those aforementioned arguments got me to decide to seek counseling, which I've gone to for two weeks now. The counselor does a type of hypnosis that relaxes me quite a bit. This helps, but I still feel like our relationship is on the skids.She is very independant and busy. I am also VERY busy, but I'd make time for her whenever. She doesn't make time for me very much. And I've told her how I feel many times, CALMLY. And she knows I'm working on my end. Trying to be a better person for me first, her second. NOW here's something that should tip me off: I've heard through the grapevine that she has mentioned that she's been feeling like our relationship is not right for her. That she can't put a finger on it, that it's just a gut feeling, and she's been feeling like that for months now. She's said that she doesn't want to lead me on but she doesn't know what to do. I haven't called her on this verbatim, but I've got us talking about our relationship, how it's come to a standstill. She says she feels like something is missing, she doesn't know what. She says she loves me.Meanwhile, she hangs out with her friends (drinking) quite often during the week. This used to piss me off on jealousy alone, and also that she'd be drinking every night. I've let it go, as much as possible (it still bugs me but I'm cheerful about it when talking to her). In the past I would tell her I didn't like it when she'd talk to a certain guy. This guy stole my ex-girlfriend, and I told her that. Last weekend she went out bar-hopping with friends to celebrate a raise at her job. She told me later that she talked to him and he complimented her on her hairstyle. She knows that I've been grappling with my jealous nature and it seemed like she was baiting me a bit. I didn't say a thing about it. She's out at the bar as we speak.I have been trying my best to be "the old me" - the one who was funny, kind of a smart ass, not getting pissed off about little stuff like I used to. It seemed to work okay last weekend. Better than the last couple months' worth of weekends before that. That relaxation stuff helped. But overall I still feel like:She neglects me.She doesn't care about my feelings.She may not actually love me, though she says she does.I am a low priority in her life.She would rather hang with her girlfriends than with me.Our relationship is floundering, with no room to grow.andIT ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.I'm assuming every rational person is going to tell me to break up with her. I probably should. But I love her and if there was any way to salvage what we once had, I'd do it. Any help vastly appreciated, and sorry I had to write a novel.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): i know if anyone does how hard it is to let go of someone you love. but sometimes we dont have a choice and tring to get them to see how you feel right now will just make things worse. look if she is ignoring you and becoming distand, thats one thing. but she is going out frequently with her friends? i dont know, but it doesnt seem to sound like she is truly ready for what you have to offer her. its hard i know, but its her loss.
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female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (14 October 2006):
 oh dear. i know it feels like you love her but i don't really believe its true love unless its reciprocal. i think you know you should break up with her. and you've got confirmation from me. you're wasting your time. i don't think you could salvage anything as much as you might like to. your best option is probably to sit her down and calmly explain exactly what you want from the relationship and what you can give and if she's not prepared to put in the effort then you have to let it go. you might not want to hear it but its the truth as i see it
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