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anonymous
writes: I have been dating my b/f for about 3 years now. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us. I never thought I would be a stepmom, I hate it! Don't get me wrong, I love this girl so much. I'm 23, she is 8. We talk all the time but as friends, not in a mother/daughter way. The thing is I am so jealous of my b/f's relationship with his daughter. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true. They talk more, they spend more time together, they're more affectionate with each other and it just kills me. I feel like he gives me a hug and kiss goodbye just so I won't feel left out. I love him and I wan't to someday marry him but I need to overcome this like right now. Will this feeling of jealousy ever go away?
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female
reader, Lady D-Vyne  +, writes (10 June 2008):
Good morning,
Firstly I'd like to say thank you to everybody who's been willing to share their experience in search of advice - I've spent the last 2 weeks in a very emotional state, trying to figure out whether or not I am capable of continuing my relationship with my bf.
After having read this thread yesterday I decided to talk to my bf. I am 25, he is 21, his son is 2. One thing I'm happy about is I do not feel this jealousy that you do, but this could be because his son is still so young, maybe that will come later..who knows...My bf told me he doesn't expect anything from me, says I can get as involved or not as involved as I want. I told him I was scared of his ex thinking I'm trying to mussle in on her son and play mum when she isn't around, he told me he thinks she will be happy to see me getting involved... he also said it would make him appy to see me getting involved and wanting to get to know his son.
My bfs son has been over 3 times now, twice I have hid away in my room and cried, last sunday was the first time i've made any effort to interact with him - and it was hard. I've realised after reading everybody's accounts that I need to grow up and accept my bf and my sons relatrionship and do what ever I can to help them have a good relationship.I'm not a big fan of children, I don't like interacting with them, I don't understand them and really really feel I don't want children of my own at all. My bf and I have such a special, loving connection that I feel like i'd be a mug if I threw away what we have because I can't deal with the fact he has a son. In a way I suppose I am actually a little happy about the situation because my bf has told me he doesnt want any more children... and I do like the idea of watchin him be a good dad without having to change the nappies or give the "sex" talk!
One thing that is playing on my mind alot regarding this situation, and I feel very under pressure, is the fact that my mother is a devout catholic, has been with my dad and only my dad, married at 21, first child at 23. She had a very poor, caged childhood, an abusive father, I know she longs for both of her daughters to raise a family, so she can be grandmother and see us do what she did... and stay at home and play housewife - this is not the life I want and I know that by sticking by my bf who has a son she will always resent me, what I am doing is very against what she believes is right.... my sister also had an abortion a couple of years ago and my mother expressed how she would help my sister take care of the baby if she wanted to change her mind and keep it. My sis felt terrible about going through with it, she knew how disappointed mum was :(, but also knew she wasn't ready for a child.
I feel like I'm being selfish, but its MY life, isn't it?
If my mother had not married my English dad and come to England to raise her family, she may have had the Italian raised daughters she always hoped for... unfortunately as much as she loves us both, we haven't given her what she wanted from 2 daughters.
I don't think she will ever be able to accept that I may become a step-mom. I do secretely hope that one day I may have a change of heart and want a child, then at least I could give something back to my mum :(
I just hope I'm making the right decision in taking on my bf and his son... any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou,
DVyne
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): I have these feelings too. I like my boyfriend's 3 yr old son we have a lot of fun together, the 3 of us. I like our relationship then... but once in a while I feel kind of jealous, and I know it is wrong. I hate the feeling I get, and I hate this side of me.
Sometimes I feel this.. when we kiss or hug, he protests verbally and/or physically pushing us apart. Not always, sometimes he just competes with me. Also I've had some sleepless nights after he wakes up crying for him, and I'm left alone. I know his son needs him and should have his time and attention mostly, considering he only gets his dad 1/2 the time.
I love my boyfriend. He is definitely "the one". I know he is a great father. I love and respect him so much for who he is.
I want a way to get past this feeling. I know it's not ok, that's why I don't act on it. I do NOT need the judgments like I've read in the past replies. I already feel bad enough. I just want help to get over this horrible feeling.
I know I could talk to my boyfriend about it. He's very easy to talk to, but on this particular subject I feel embarrassed because it does sound selfish and immature, which I am not! This feeling is real! Even for the most loving, caring person. That's why it hurts me so badly to feel this way. It is a vicious cycle.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I know this is an old post, but it appears that people are still reading it and replying, even after 3 years. While I don't know the ultimate fate of the relationship of the particular girl who posted the question, I feel it is something a LOT of us are going through and it ought to be addressed, for the sake of many families or soon-to-be-families out there. I am a young woman (21 years) dating a guy my age who has a 2 year old daughter. He's not even divorced from his wife; they're still sorting out custody issues. She lives two states away, thank goodness. My boyfriend and I have been living together and dating for 3 months, and I've only met the child once. She stayed with us for ten days. It was a challenge for me, but also a learning experience. A little background on me (which I believe is important, because upbrining has a lot to do with how we handle things later): I grew up an only child, and my parents divorced when I was 3. My father never wanted or had anything to do with me after that. He refused to even pay the required child support, and purposely didn't hold jobs for very long just so his salary wasn't garnished. So, you can probably imagine the lack of fatherly affection and the feeling of instability already caused by the first man in my life--or, I should say, absent from it.So back to my first experience as a "daddy's girlfriend..." His daughter was young enough to have all the demands of a baby, but old enough to recognize that I was an 'intruder.' She wiggled her way between us a bunch of times. My kissing, hugging, or holding hands with Dad was often interrupted by "Nooooo!" and "My daddy!!!" and even her occasional physical intervention. I did my best not to show any signs of being bothered by this (even though it made me uncomfortable), and I could tell my boyfriend was doing his best to make us both happy. "Honey, she can hold my hand if she wants! Here, come and sit with us," he told his daughter sweetly. During the day, things generally went fine. Most of the time, his daughter would play nicely with both of us. She didn't seem to mind me too much, overall. (I'm sure that'll change though.)Night time was probably the hardest for me, and I think it's situations like these that cause the most problems for women who are new to the guys-with-kids situation. My boyfriend would go lay her down to sleep and stay in her room for hours, usually falling asleep with her. It was hard to fall asleep alone, and I did feel jealous and even angry. But I talked to my mom on the phone about it the next day, and she made me realize something VERY important. "Do you remember when you were little, and I would do the same thing? I'd tuck you in, and you'd be scared or just unable to sleep... you just needed someone there." She told me I also did the same things my boyfriend's kid does when we kiss or hold hands. "You used to throw a FIT if I was affectionate with anyone," my mom said. I imagine most little kids get jealous in this situation, just like we adults do. Even though we're not 'intruders,' it's nearly impossible for them to understand this. It goes for older kids as well, because I remember my mom dating men, and I remember eventually being a stepkid. I didn't want a new dad. I liked it when it was me and mom. Why couldn't it just be us? I imagine if I stay with my boyfriend, I'll have to deal with his kid feeling the same things about me eventually. But at least I understand how she feels, and I don't blame her.I guess what's most important is not to treat children like the 'intruders.' Children need that special, nurturing love from their parents. I wish I would have had the same love, but I certainly won't take it out on my boyfriend's kid--or him, for that matter--and let jealousy grow into hate. No one wants to be the evil stepmom (or stepdad). So you're with someone who has a child. You're new to such circumstances, and maybe things aren't the way you thought they would be. At this point, you need to ask yourself some VERY important questions. Child aside, is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Does he try his best to address your needs even when the kid is present? And at that, are you perhaps being too demanding? A good man will express his love and admiration for you and do things to make you happy. If it seems like he doesn't do that when his child is around, it's probably because he is trying to balance his child's comfort and happiness with yours--not because he doesn't love you just as much. Think hard about the minimums of your own needs: Do you want 100% of his attention at all times? If so, you're asking too much of someone who also needs to raise his child. You should talk to him about what you want from him that maybe you aren't getting when his kid is there. But before you do so, remember that his child only grows up once. You can either give all your love and support to both of them, or you can be selfish and earn nothing but their resentment. Maybe the child will never warm up to you. I never did to my stepdad until after I was an adult and realized he was the best father I could have possibly had. I only realized this because even through all my stubborn refusal to accept him as a parent or even as my mom's husband, he still loved me and mom unconditionally. That had to be HARD, but it paid off for all of us.I chose to stay with my boyfriend and stick it out. We love eachother to death, and I know in my heart that no matter how much attention he's paying to his little girl, he still loves me to death and wouldn't want any other WOMAN in his life. Find a balance with your partner and the child. Communicate. And remember that demanding 100% from anyone -- kids or no kids -- is still asking an awful lot.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Does anybody think about the child?? It's great that she has her daddy (or a father figure) there to show her affection and love. How can you be so selfish and say you hate that?? You don't have to be in a relationship with anybody with children if you aren't mature enough to handle it. I can understand feeling jealous but maybe your communication is subpar and should be addressed so that you feel more complete in this situation. Try to be a little more open to what others are feeling instead of such selfishness...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I understand totally, my boyfriend is taking care of his ex girlfriend's kid and the kid isn't even his. I can't stand the little girl she even calls him daddy! and even worse the little girl is in the will!!! but he wants to marry me while dragging his baggage along, hell no, it makes me sick how he loves this fat ass begging little girl! so I truly understand.
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female
reader, scp  +, writes (29 December 2007):
number one, you are not a step mom, give it up. To be a Step mom you have to be married. You are not with this man in marriage. YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND. I would be more pissed that he has not married you yet. even if you do not believe in marriage, you are still not legally the Step mom. Think about it. He is her father and they need that father daughter bond, and if you don't like it, go.
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female
reader, scp +, writes (29 December 2007):
number one, you are not a step mom, give it up. To be a Step mom you have to be married. You are not with this man in marriage. YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND. I would be more pissed that he has not married you yet. even if you do not believe in marriage, you are still not legally the Step mom. Think about it. He is her father and they need that father daughter bond, and if you don't like it, go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): I am another woman in the exact same situation. I am trying my hardest to get rid of these feelings of jealousy, I feel like an evil person for having these feelings. I am also worried that my boyfriend will sense these feelings and finish things with me, that would be unbearable coz I've never loved anyone this much in my life but I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): I know exactly how you feel and my man has a son. I cant even imagine what it would be like if it was a daughter. I cant stomach it now. Its terrible. And the problem with mine is that he doesnt make time for me or take me anywhere. He has no energy when its just us but when he picks up that kid, all he wants to do is run like a little kid and he is 30. I doubt the jealousy feelings will ever go away on your part bc its a female and the older she gets, the more she turns into a daddys girl. Its terrible for me and I need to get out. I suggest you do the same if you feel like that!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Oh my gosh, im so greatful i found this page and discussion. I am 25 and am dating a man with on on 4 year old son. Its so good to know that i am not alone in my feelings. I have no children. There are parts of every post on both sides of the issue that i agree with. Sometimes i feel like on on bad person but i feel like im just a filler in his life when his son is around. He crawls into bed with us at night, which i thought was inapropreate and said so. I have kept my own apartment and refused to move in with him simply because there are times i dont want to see either of their faces. Last night my boyfriend locked the bedroom door so he would not get into the bed with us. At 4 in the morning this child began beating on the door. When 'dada' opened the door for 'baby' and baby saw he was in trouble the waterworks started. My bf gave in left me and slept with his son on the couch. I dont know how to deal with these feelings and have asked for his help but he refuses to help me and even accuses me of hating his son in front of his son!!! WTF?!? Somebody please help im desperate and have reached the breaking point.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): yes it will
as a step son we feel the same way
we see it as our parent spends more time with you than us
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I'm in the a similar situation and I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels like this. I'm 20 and my bf is 22 and he has a 3 yr old son. We've been togeher fior just over a year. I like his son but I get jealous when he's around, like I'm being ignored. His son is always lookin for my bf and rarely wants to play w me when dads around. I hate this jealouisy feeling bc iknow its wrong. I have no kids, and hate knowing when we have our first child it won't be his first. I love kids and work ina daycare, but I don't know what to do. Ialso get jealous of my boyfriends ex calling all the time, and he puts up with a lot of crap from her, liking picking his son up dirty and not dressed. Someone help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I am 26 and my boyfriend is 37 with a 7 year old daughter and a 16 y/o son. I get on great with them, and i love being with them and hate it when they have to go home. MY boyfriend gets his kids every saturday and i used to go to my pals to drink. I still do sometimes as its good and important for my boyfriend to have that time with his kids. but now w'eve started to do things on a sunday day time and i love it. sometimes his 7 year old gets all his attention, and i do not, but i just think of later on when i do get him all to myself!
i think it can work and im willing to give it a go. it can be really good, just give it a chance. she has him wrapped around his finger etc, but i always think, maybe one day if i have his kids , he would be the same with them. it shows he is a good dad.
she does still share a bed with him because he only has a 2 bedroomed house, which means i either sleep on the sofa or go home. but hopefully that will not be for too much longer as i do think she is getting a little old to stay in her fathers bed.
Good luck all xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I'm so glad to see this forum, because at the moment I feel very alone with my thoughts and feelings on this problem. I'm 29, and my boyfriend is 43. He has a 16-year-old daughter. I feel so torn apart by jealousy sometimes. I understand that there are different types of love, blah, blah, but that doesn't change how I sometimes get angry that she was ever born and that the man of my dreams (in every other regard) should come with baggage. All I ever wanted was a "normal" relationship. I don't know yet how I will get over this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): i'm so glad i'm finding info regarding my similar problem...i am 34, bf is 39. i have two children 13 & 6, he has one daughter 8...she has him wrapped around his finger...i am prohibited to kiss him or show affection when she's around because it "hurts her heart". i told her it hearts my heart when she doesn't want me to be around her daddy....she lives with her mom (who left him & is preg from live-in bf) he has basic every other weekend custody...i even set up my kids to be with their dad on the 2nd & 4th weekends, so we can all spend time together, and my bf & i can have solo time on the off weekends. well, his daughter never fails to call him crying to pick her up on "my weekend"...of course he does & i'm totally ignored. i can't even sit or stand next to him because she will squeeze her way in between & start to whine....we've been together for 3 years & my kiddos love him & don't give me a hard time. he still has her sleeping with him, even though she has her own bedroom at his house....if they stay at my house, i end up in my daughters bed, while they get my big comfy bed...NO MORE! last night the situation came up again & when she asked me where I was sleeping, i told her MY bed...they ended up sleeping in my daughter's bed. I'm sorry, but i think she's too old to be sleeping with her daddy....he still has to help her with her baths too....i'm not jealous...i treat her like i do my 6year old daughter...but she's always telling my daughter that her dad doesn't want to marry me & that her mom & dad will get married again. my baby finally told her to get over it...but it's still a huge problem....i spent all morning in the shower crying about the situation....i love this man soooooo much, but he turns on me when she's around because she's his life & i feel like chopped liver. how can i make this better & have the love in my life at the same time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I've felt this before, and for me, the only way to get rid of this jealousy is to consider the child as your own. Or at least, imagine. I still cringe when the bf tickles/hugs/kisses the kid the same way he does me, but I get past that by thinking that she is my daughter too, and she deserves all that love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): I understand how you feel my boyfriend may have a daughter and i am worried about what it will do to our relationship, reading your response helped me feel like my feelings aren't so abnormal, thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2007): I agree with the previous poster. I am in the same situation. I am 34, successful, single and independent. My boyfriend is 38 and with a 7 year old daughter he raises all on his own with help from his mother (not the best situation, but hey.. it's better than "no mom" right?)
In the beginning I felt like you did. Began to hate and doubt myself for becoming so envious of what my boyfriend had.. and started to hate myself for feeling "jealous" of his daughter. How horrible was it of me to feel that way!!! (I thought to myself)
After ALOT of soul searching and a short break from my relationship.. I realized it wasn't jealousy. I wanted what he had. A little child of my own who loved and looked up to me just like his daughter did. I've come to care for her deeply.. and we are very careful with our relationship around her. I want to protect her and give her all the things a mom should.. something her mom didn't want to give. I wanted to be a piece of his world with his little girl. Though I am not, it is a possibility we've discussed that may happen one day. I continue to have the isolated/envious feelings and even want to have a baby with him. But inside, I know I am not ready. And I have spoken to my boyfriend about these feelings.. he's touched and understands. I don't tell him everything, but the communication has helped.
Hang in there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I am in a similar situation myself, ive been with my boyfriend for 6 months and he has a 3 year old daughter. I havent met her yet as we wanted to be sure our relationship would work, but now its on the cards and im finding it difficult to get my head round my feelings.
When he talks about her and i see vidoes and pictures, i can help but feel jealous. The mistake i made was thinking i was jealous of their relationship as i wanted the attention myself, when having thought about it i realised it was only that i feel envious that he has a beautiful, dependant child all of his own, and i dont. Whilst i want children im not ready for them myself yet, but it doesnt stop me from wanting the feelings that go with having your own child. Also to know that i am not a part of what he has with his daughter makes me feel a little isolated as i feel i have no right to get involved. I think that as long as your boyfriend loves you and knows how much you love him and his daughter, he will appreciate that and doesnt mean to give more love to his daughter, its just that children crave more love and affection than we as adults do.
I would advise you to tell him you feel you would like more affection in your relationship and not assiate this feeling of jealousy with his relationship with his daughter as it sounds like you really get along with her so i doubt thats really the root of it.
And to the other lady who replied - i think you need to understand your partners point of view in this, it is hard to accept someone elses children and it is not something you can prepare for. It sounds like your not giving him enought attention. Just because your showing him love doesnt mean you have to take it away from your children. Your partner and you children should be EQUAL.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): dealing with the same thing but i am a dedicated mother with two sons...one 13 and one 8---both with whom i have a beautiful relationship with. they survived divorce only because of the love they recevied and will continue to receive. i recently told my boyfriend who i felt is jealous of my relationship with my 8 yr old (he doesnt seem to have issues with my oldest)...that my children come first. i refuse to change anything about how i nurture or care for them or love them---why the hell would i. i am commited to them---i brought them into this world and they deserve my heart and all of it. it doesnt mean i dont love my boyfriend but the more he tries to change the way i care for them the more he is pushing me away---i think it is a terrible, selfish thing for anybody to ask of anyone----to change love or attention to a child---OMG! i am so exhausted at trying to please him and help him to understand. if this continues it will be the end of us because i am here for my sons morning noon night and for whatever their sweet little hearts desire...they are precious souls and i will never ever treat them with anything less than what this mothers love has to give---NOT for anyone---and if asked to do that----what kind of a person is he anyway...seriously...what kind of a jealous selfish person would dare to try to get in between that...thats just crazy insane.....i protect mine ---my babies--and i dare any man try to conflict with that---he will always be the one out on his tail---and a lame ass tail it is acting like that! and if the week that i DONT have my kids isnt enough of "alone" time for us---well then he needs to stop being so damn needy----
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): You know, I am in an amazingly similar situation. I am 23, and my boyfriend has a daughter of 10 years old. I love this girl and we have a blast together when she comes to visit. I get a tad bit jealous too, but I try to put it at the back of my mind and get on with the rest of the day in the best mood possible. A few evenings a week, after she has gone to bed, we'll sit in bed with a candle lit and a lamp and talk about the day. This is our special time together and it reminds me that he does care for me. Make sure to directly tell your boyfriend how you're feeling. Tell him you understand his position, but make an effort to open up and tell him one or two specific little things he can do each day to make you feel wanted--snatch me in another (private) room for just 15 seconds to kiss me and tell me you love me--kinda thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): im 25 years old and my boyfriend(34) of two years just broke up with me. when we first started dating he hid the fact he had a daughter. he played his cards right, because i would have ran if i knew. his daughter is now 10. it has been a little over a year since ive met her. my ex would not show me any kind of affection when his daughter was around. im talking about not even holding my hand! but the situation with her oh no a complete different story.i was jealous because he went out of his way to please her. in terms of me i felt like a second class citizen. i attempted to talk about how i felt. i told him he was building a barrier between his daughters and my relationship. it was to the point that i didnt wanna hang out with the two of them. because i was always the odd ball. his kid had the liberty of hugging him, kissing him, making little girl voices to get her way. and he would jump through hoops to satisfy her and give her her way. i dont want him to love her less or me more. i just want him to be able to juggle being a parent and a boyfriend at the same time and not leave anyone out.its his duty to fix this problem im not the one with a kid. i think that i am jealous of her is because he acts like a stranger when she is around. so his solution to the problem was to separate us. that super immature of him. so i told him that was not going to fix things and he said fine this is not going to work out bye! dating someone with kids is horrible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): This continuing discussion has really made me feel better. I have been dating a guy for about a year and a half now and he has a 6 yr old daughter. He is 25 and I am 22. He stepped up to the plate when he got his girlfriend pregnant and I love him for that, but...I don't think that he still has a grasp on what being a "parent" is. He hates his ex, therefore I hear negative things all the time, so I in-turn hate her too. His daughter looks nothing like him, but everything like her mother...who we hate. He and his ex never married or lived together as a family. He left town and went to college 3 hours away to "better himself for his daughter"...he actually went b/c he wanted to play football and dreams of being a big coach somewhere. So he still hasn't moved closer to her to "better her life", but he does send child support every month that he complains about. He drives home to see her every other weekend, but if he has something else to do he doesn't go see her. He only calls her when he is going to pick her up to make sure she wants to come see him...if she doesn't he doesn't pick her up or call to reschedule. SO does he seem like he really wants to be a father or that he is just doing what society says he should...I think in the back of his mind he feels overwhelmed and if he had a choice he would erase the whole mistake. His resistance really confuses me when he wants me to develop a "relationship" with his daughter. Mind you I have no children and don't plan on having children till I'm ready..so this mom thing is strange. Don't get me wrong...I love her and know its not her fault...but he is not a good dad right now. When he does get her, she acts like a snot and he ignores her while he watches TV. He has never had her totally alone...he picks his daughter up and takes her back to his moms house where they stay for the weekend due to the fact that he lives 3 hours away. He doesn't call her during the 2 weeks he doesn't see her, but when he gets her he grills her with questions about her mom. That makes her and I uncomfortable...Can you understand my frustration? He can even recall the entire night of his daughters conception...and yes he remembers the details. He has even described how he felt when his girlfriend was pregnant and how happy he was when she was born...blah blah blah. As selfish as it sounds I just wish that the whole situation would disappear. Oh, the mother is psycho...was placed in a mental hospital and went through drug rehab (child was with grandparents during all this)...I'm just waiting for the day that she relapses and I will have to clean up the mess along with maintianing my own family. Grrr...thanks for listening and there is tons more that I can talk about, but its late. He is good to me, loves me, and has made me very happy...I love him, but this "baby mama drama" is the pits. Suggestions or comments would be nice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): I feel the same, I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. I got with him just before christmas last year and at this time i didnt really mind where he was or who he was with as i didnt love him at this stage. Although his ex partner & he were not together, he would act as if they were, they would talk like good mates (They were together for 8 years) - Maybe me being jelous is to do with my age. I like him daughter & she always says i love you to me & i find it really sweet, i play with her & hug her but i cant help feeling bitter, as if i dont want her to get in the way of me and her father. I love him so much and one day want kids with him. Thing is he doesnt see her that often sometime its 2/3 months but when he does its like i get shut out, and he gives me the simplist attention which is understandable after all she is his daughter but i feel like it should never be like this. Im only young & could leave him but its not his fault really & i love him too much to chuck it away. I hate them being alone together. To be honest he is a bad dad to his daughter, not seeing her often and not ringing to say hello but i know thats because his ex was messed up in the head and made him like that. I know that if he has more kids he would be a terrific dad. I dont know what to do, i want to just accept it. Today is her birthday and i get paranoid that he wants his ex back to be around his daughter even tho he and his ex dont talk. I feel really jelous. I'm stuck.
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female
reader, samsara +, writes (10 January 2007):
I was jealous of my BF's relationship with his daughter until I recognized what it was a symbol of. For me, it was a symbol of my own resentments of not having one Daddy. [I had
several and therefore had attachment issues and feelings of instability and no feelings of security in my world from the young age of four.]
Once I recognized that deeper truth within myself I gained peace. May have been a different story if my BF ignored me when she came around and I was codependent on him to the
extent he was my world and I needed all of his attention. THAT would have perhaps been jealousy of his time all by itself - but was not the case [is not the case] because she doesn't
live with us. AND even if she did he is opposite. If I try to exclude myself he gets mad. LoL
I think it's great of you to be able to get so honest with yourself. Many people can't bring themselves to even admit the jealousy! I swear you're over 50% to solving the problem!!
{{Hugs!}}
So comforting to read all of this and knowing I am not the only one with issues and problems in this area. My BF has a 3 yr old. When it's her and me we're great and fine. When he's
around she is AWFUL to me and he cannot see it. She grunts and ignores me...hangs on her dad and regressively says "MY DaDa!"
He's almost a champ though. He has commanded her to thank me, to say please and so forth in being polite but her attitude, alas, he cannot change. Half the time he cannot see what I
see [physically] and I usually don't mention it out of fear he would accuse me of being anti-her.
Tonight though had been a tough day for me and so her ignoring me while at dinner was fine. My BF trying to get her to engage me also in the conversation was unsuccessful.
So when she told him she had to potty and he asked me to take her I said No. He asked why not. I said: "Because she can ignore me and make faces at me that you cannot see and all
of a sudden I am to take her to the potty? Oh no!"
As expected he rolled his eyes and said it wasn't true. I told him he couldn't see it but as she was hanging on him she was staring at me almost with purpose! I have seen this before
because I was this before! [I had a few stepdads and knew exactly what I felt about these intrusions of my mother's attention.] I ended up taking her to potty and she was back to her
normal sweet self. Even gave me a kiss before we left the restaurant. [I was in such good spirits I decided to vacuum her room. I had cleaned it earlier but didn't vacuum. Out of care I
decided to vacuum.]
He's about to take her to her mother's and here we go again. She grunted and said "Ow!" I think I squeezed her too hard - but I think it was more out of general disdain because I asked
her outright if I hurt her and she just stared at me. [With purpose seemingly again.]
So then I coddled her and apologized since my BF was quick to put it on that I hugged her too hard [he can't believe that if she never saw us together again as a couple she would be
overjoyed] and asked if I could give a make up hug - still being playful not letting anyone know this was on my last nerve - STILL she quit talking.
He asked her to leave the room so he could speak to me. [So she hid outside where he couldn't see her and stared at me but jerked her head back when she saw I saw.] I am
convinced she sensed her ability to divide us and wanted to watch it. He had attempted to place blame on me: "She is only three.." Me: "Oh what did I do NOW?" I asked. "You
squeezed her too hard." Me: "Yeah. And I apologized and tried to hug her again!" Meantime she'd made it all the way back in and I drew his attention to it so we stopped after he made a
snippy remark to me.
He ended up commanding her to come in and say goodbye. [I'd overheard him] She came in alright. I turned around and gave her my attention and she ran into the chair and hid. [He
wasn't in the room.] I decided ONE MORE TIME TONIGHT GOD please let it work... SO I got up - which I am against in principle - and went to her softly.
I am not a mother. Never wanted or had the desire to be a mother and according to friends who DO have kids - the fact it's not your kid seems to make all the difference in the handling
anyway. I say this because I imagine were I her mother or *a* mother I may have unconditional love even in spite of being treated like dookie. As it is, if she stayed on her side of an
imaginary white line during the duration of my and my BF's relationship that would suit me just fine.
I am fine with her not speaking to me - unfortunately my boyfriend expects me to share in the "us" time. And even more aggravating is that because I DO "do" for her [I have changed
her butt, washed her body, cleaned her room, made her food, picked her up from school, played with her and so forth... So I DO expect common courtesy and NOT getting ignored
when I treat her with civility.]
As I said...So I went to her softly and rubbed her back as she hid her head..."Are you being shy of me?" [Playfully.] Nothing. "Hey...Are you being shy of me?" [Boyfriend came in:
"What have we here?" Me: "I don't know. Him: "Did you say "goodbye?"] I don't remember what she said but I waited and she stared at him. He had to order her two or three more
times. Whiney "Byy-yye..."
I said nothing. Called a friend when he left because he blames me. She shared her experience and it lined up with: Daughter is jealous and is employing dividing technique. She says
until he can quit being biased and recognize it that she'll continue. Like I said...her and me alone = great.
He [Nay, "Dada"] comes in, refuses to recognize her belligerent attitude played out toward me - as a natural acclimation of possessiveness of bio parent particularly of little girls and
their daddy's AND, though being good at letting her know that she cannot get away with certain things - blames ME for her dissuasive attitude.
WELL of course it's ME. It would be ANY woman in his life.
I am so frustrated with him! He went to bed a while ago after I wanted to clear the air and he again blamed me for "taking responsibility of nothing". I finally told him. I finally told him, as
my friend suggested, as well I could about where daughter was coming from but before I felt like I could get to the important parts he shut me down.
He always thinks I could do more or do better or do something differently. To that I say: "If he wanted one big happy family where the woman in his life would contort herself to insure
the utmost BEST from a BABY...from a BABY?... he should have stayed with BioMom."
Good grief. Score a big one for the kid tonight - by proxy.
He needs to forgo his biasness and SEEK the help and experience of either a trained psychologist in step situations or people who have been in them - which he never has.
I don't see how people do this crap. One child has the super-power to destroy a relationship. And here's the joke: When the relationship is finally over, the bioparent will believe in the
fiber of their being that it was the "intruder's" fault.
[But there's one more joke to even THAT joke - unless biparent works out their "pride or guilt" of offspring: "That the NEXT person who comes along will have an even MORE difficult
time acclimating, and by extension, bioparent and "intruder#2"'s relationship will be even worse because the child has been trained perfectly in what works and what doesn't!"]
Are you kidding me? Ha! What a world.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest! Wow! I needed that. ...and wow. I'm *not* the angry hostile person he likes to claim. I haven't been this upset and deeply in a while and yet
still I managed to sound not like a lunatic.
:)
Thanks again you guys!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): i am also in the same situation ..to all i understand..i get jealous because ..situations with my dad...and yes when i look at this little girl i often see her mom..i hate IT! but you know what im trying to work through it..i didnt want a guy with a daughter..but hes a great man..he takes care of his daughter and he shows me how he appreciates me...right now there are many things going on with jealousy on her part...but i cant figure if its directly towards me ..or her wanting over attn..which she gets from dadi,.she got mad while playing monkey i the middle saying that her dad gave the ball to me and not her..and she took the anger out on me...??? shes only five so obviously the concept of the game wasnt understood..but it hurt me..i often feel guilty when my boyfriend comforts both of us..hes great...and i talk to him openly about this stuff ..i think it makes it better...then again hes understanding...i get mad when i feel im not as inportant to her too..funny right? ine particular time he wasnt there for me when i needed him..and it was supposedly because of her??? but please people understand i needed his ear for twenty minutes..and her uncle was home ..y couldnt her uncle take care of her...im trying
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): I am in an emotional tornado myself. I am 27 and dating a 33 year old who has a 7 year old daughter. I am aware that I must have an emotional problem to feel the way I do about his relationship with his daughter. I cant stand all the hugs, kisses and I love you's that he gives her. This is constantly ladies! I look at her and see her mother, which is repulsive and the thought of seeing her mother in her and him loving her that much really does a number on me. Often, because I have a son, I wonder if it is possible for him to feel this way about him. So I try to switch places and look from both angles, but yet I still cant shake it. I often find myself praying for the day that she doesn't want to visit her dad as often as she does now. I imagine our life without her everyday. I know that it is so selfish and probably I should leave the relationship for her sake. I find myself doing little things to bother her, such as hugging her dad in front of her and making sure he shows affection back to me. At the same time, I know I would leave the situation if I thought he was doing so to my son. I just want all of his attention and I know it is not fair to him or to her. I guess maybe I just remember what it was like for me being "daddy's little girl" and I know what little girls can do to their father's. I am threatened of her and her hold and bond to him. I think I may answered my question!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): Wow i've been reading all this stuff and it's great to see what other people are going through. I havn't looked up anything before but about half an hour ago i was in the loungeroom doing my bf's daughter's hair (he's at footy training). She was telling me about mum & dad's wedding song and wanted me to sing it with her. I could feel my eyes welling up (also have PMS at the moment) and i said "How about you just sing it? I'm not a very good singer."
My bf's ex fell pregnant when she was 19 (he was 21) it was very unexpected and they stayed together to try and make it work for their daughter. I asked my bf what was going through his mind as he was about to take vows to marry his ex. He said that he doesn't really remember, all he was looking at was his daughter walking along in a beautiful flower girl dress. He really is such a wonderful man and such an amazing father. He is 27 and i'm 23, he's little girl is 6. We've been together now for over two years. I still find it so hard at times with his daughter. I will drop her at school in the mornigs because he starts work early (we have her thurs and fri night every week). And i will watch her if he has footy training (like tonight). Sometimes though i feel like i am unappreciated and he can't understand how i feel. I have made a huge effort to establish a positive relationship with his ex (and we do get along). I'll text her if i need to get a reader or clother from her house for school. I've even asked her for a photo which we have in his daughter's room so she can say good night to mummy.
Sometimes it really does get so hard though and i think what it would be like if he didn't have a daughter. Then i feel guilty because she is just a little girl who wants to be loved and cared for. Then i start to feel like a bad person. But then i think well if he didn't have a daughter i wouldn't feel like a bad person. It really is a viscious circle. I guess it's also because he has been married to someone and he has had a child. My fantasy of meeting this man who married me and we go through having a child for the first time together is gone and that's hard.
Anyway enough from me, to everyone going through the same thing i know it is hard. But i also think that i came into this little girls life for a very important reason and i need to do whatever i can to make our relationship work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2006): I whole heartedly agree with "salsa detomate 18+". Why should a woman in love be made to feel inferior to her boyfriend's child. The child is not the boss and should not be untouchable. By him ignoring his girlfriend/ wife when the child is around, he is condoning to the child that they do not have to respect his spouse. And that is bullsh*t. Some of you say that "it is not the child's fault that their family has been 'torn apart'. It is NOT THE GIRLFRIEND'S FAULT EITHER. The love is NOT the same. Obviously the man should make time for his child but it shouldn't cause problems in their relationship. You may look at this and say obviously I don't have a child. I don't... yet. However I do have a boyfriend that has a child. He was never married, in fact the child's mother was never even a girlfriend. She was in fact, a booty call who decided to trap him into taking care of her by becoming pregnant (to this day he still occassionally wonders if the child is his even though it wouldn't matter - for all intensive purposes he is the child's father). She unilaterly chose to have this kid and he has made every effort to be the best father he can be. I respect that. I even love him for it. At times, I can't stand his child. I never take this out on the child though. And the more I analyze it I have found that it is NOT the child as much as it is him... his behavior and his reactions to the child.
I do not think the child should come first over a spouse. I think that mentality breeds disrespect and is a problem waiting to explode. In an ideal situation you fall in love, spend time together, get married, have a child and raise a family together. The child doesn't come first. The spouse/family comes first. The foundation of the family starts with a man and a woman (speaking strictly hetero at this point and am in no way homophobic..just to clarify). That is not to say that both the spouse and the child could be first, my point is that the spouse or potential spouse should never be made to take back seat to a child's whims....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2006): ok, well I wish I had an answeer for you. I too am in the same situation. When I first met my boyfriend he used to open the car door for his 12 year old (prettier) daughter and not me or his other (pretty but, fat) daughter. He said that I lagged behind which is why he didn't do it for me. He is so protective of his 12 year old daughter vs the 13 year old and me for that matter. I don't know about it either but it doesn't seem like my feelings are getting better. There are other circumstances that surround this problem like my boyfriend not following through with discipline when his youngest daughter is disrespectful to me, even though he threatens to discipline her if she is. So, she basically feels like she doesn't have to worry about it. She is only difficult when you ask her to do something which includes a chore or work (which I rarely ask her to do because I can't stand to bicker with her about it). I am overwhelmed and feel like I would be better off in a relationship where I didn't feel like I was fighting to get the support from my boyfriend on issues of respect when I GIVE, GIVE GIVE to his children constantly when all I expect respect from them is respect (and mind you, I know they are going to be rebellious at times---but when I have had enough and ask for his support, why can't he give it to me with his youngest daughter???)
Confused and Tired
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): I've noticed quite a few answers from young ladies who appear to sympathize with your feelings; however, for anyone to agree that it is okay to blame a child in a situation like this shows immaturity, lack of wisdom, and selfishness.
Remember--that child had to endure the breakup of her family. Now she has to cope with her father being with another woman.
I commend your boyfriend for being a loving and involved father. This is what a MAN is supposed to do--take care of his children and nurture them. You are entitled to the romantic love of your boyfriend, but you are NOT ENTITLED to the nurturing love that he gives to his daughter. She needs that sort of attention because she is a human under development. You are not under development, and so you do not.
The best thing for you is some family counseling. You need a wise and mature disinterested person who can help you see your proper role within the family that you share with your boyfriend. And you need to grow up.
A grown-up woman is wise enough to know that it is NOT ALL ABOUT HER.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): You have every reason to feel the way you do. Humans can not change the way the feel, because subconsciously there are reasons for your emotions. I am also a young step mom and am over joyed that i am not alone with the feelings that i have towards my step children. I know through patience and understnading the only way it works is if he makes time for you, there is no other resolution. Think of your future children together and fix it now or get out. We have our step children half the year and i have a baby on the way. I got on the internet to find a solution to my jealousy problem and have realized that I'm worth and you are worth having a spouse or boyfriend that loves you and wants to spend time with you and make a life with you. Be happy with yourself and think of your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend recently moved to be with me, and left his daughter with the mom. Let me give a little history here... When he and I started dating I was aware the he had a child. It was hard for me to accept because I don't have children, and I am still trying to get out of graduate school. Well, after nearly getting over the fact that he has a child, and she will come to visit over the summer and spring break, I said to myself,"ok, you can do this, no one is perfect". WELL, when he decided to move here, things changed. The mother became neglectful and he had to constantly go back to count and stuff. Well, here were are today, on president's weekend and he is gone for four days to be with his daughter. I am stuck here again. Because he lives here with me in washington, dc, he has to travel back and forth. Which in my opinion prevents us from saving for a home, and so forth. I want to marry this man, but I really don't see that happening. I am from the south and we believe in big tradional weddings...how can we afford it if he is going back and forth to visit his child. Oh by the way, the courts decided to place the girl in my boyfriend's mom's home, until the next court date in June. Then it will be decided if the little girl comes here or goes back with the mom. The mom is in parenting and drug education classes, right now. AND my boyfriend is petioning for custody. So, in my situation my boyfriend is asking me to be a mother....FULL TIME... I so far from ready to take on that responsibility. Does anyone have any advice?
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