A
male
age
30-35,
*oungVet
writes:Im currently deployed to Iraq, I got married to my wife before I left and we found out she was pregnant. She is completely faithful and the best woman I've ever met in my life, I love her beyond words, and she will be my wife until the day I die. But the problem with loving her so much is trying to get over this one tiny part of her past, I'm deployed with a guy that she had a fling with a few months before we met, and something obviously happened there. I asked about it at first, and put a few pieces of the puzzle together, but she won't tell me anything flat out and says "why does it matter?". Every time I see him I become so full of rage and anger I don't know what to do.... I have tried talking to people without telling them the exact details, like my company chaplain. But when I describe my anger they immediately ask who it is, and I'm sure they'll take my weapon among other things, and I think it will affect my law enforcement career when I return home. When I'm with her or hear her voice it doesn't matter.... but just wondering what this bastard did to my wife, my beautiful queen.... Drives me insane. Every single day I see him, and hear him, and there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck in a prison. And it eats me away some days to the point I just have to force myself to become cold and uncaring or unstoppably busy to get the unbelievable pain and hurt from my mind. I talked to her about it for the last time right before I left America to come to Iraq in Wisconsin over the phone, and tried to tell her how I felt, but I could tell it just annoyed her and made her unsure of my love for her. But She's my best friend and I just wanted her to try and help me if she could. Not attack her. I asked about it and was really upset because this guy is an abomination of nature, He has no respect for anyone or anything, and had another woman pregnant at the time he and my wife were messing around or whatever. To my wife's obliviousness of course. and at one point she laughed at something I said, when it was a completely serious conversation that hurts me more than anything else in my entire life. And I just feel sick... physically sick thinking about all of this. Once we got to Iraq I used to work near him until I freaked out and told them they had to move me to another section to work after hearing him say "Oh so he had a daughter? just another bitch in the world to f***.". referring to a friend of the person he was talking to who had a little girl born recently. I wanted to kill him. And to think that this person probably has been inside of my wife, and done things with her, makes me sick to the point I almost vomit. And I almost know he has, considering my wife refuses to tell me anything about it. I Don't know what to do, I come home for leave to see my son born soon, and it will all be fine, but once I have to come back here and see this guy. The hurt will start again. Please suggest ways I can stop this agony.
View related questions:
best friend, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Back at you, Lola!
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Great perspective, deliawood.
The "pig" you share the desert with at the moment is nothing to her. He doesn't merit a thought or recollection. Why would he when she has you now? Be happy she does not even want to visit him in her mind.
I presume she does not harangue you about your various encounters before you met her. That is because she understands that whatever happened in your past has helped you to become the man you are today - the father of her son - the love of her life.
You asked how to end the agony. It is not complicated. It may be difficult in the initial stages, but that is not the same as complicated.
You are a soldier. This means you understand discipline and training.
Train yourself not to think about him and your wife. Train yourself not to ask your beautiful wife; the mother of your son, such questions.
When you see his face, use discipline to push your mind instead to happier thoughts... What will your son's face be like? Will he have hair when he is born?
Each time you do this, it will be easier and eventually, you won't be thinking along those lines anymore.
When we are hurting, we often try to torture ourselves with the "dirty details". But what would KNOWING what happened do to help you? The answer is it won't help. It would FEED your pain.
Think of it as a scab from a serious abrasion. Does picking at it and looking at it and removing the dressings constantly help to heal it faster or does is it hinder the healing process, and cause permanent scarring, and possibly an infection?
Your loving wife doesn't want to feed your agony. She is a smart woman. Congratulations.
:-)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Dude,
First off, everybody has some part of their past that they are ashamed about and until they are ready to talk about it even eacknowledging it can be almost impossible and in some cases extremely painful.
To get over this lets try and look at it from your wifes point of view. She met this guy, she sorta fell for him, stuff happened she found out what he was like and she got the hell outa dodge. It doesnt matter whether he broke up with her or she with him all that matters is she picked herself up dusted herself off and went out and met you. She is probably ashamaed of what happened considering the sort of guy he is, and that would explain not wanting to talk about it.
You contantly looking for an answer cnnot be easy for your wife as she may not know why she was with this guy.
To keep it from your mind focus on what you have. A wife who is your best friend, your Queen. your going to have a son soon and devote yourself to him nd your wife. Your wife loves, you and cares about you, show her that you love and accept her by leaving her past where it is, in the past.
As far as this guy is concerned well you know that he isnt worth it. Oh and every time you see him, know deep down that this excuse for a guy let an incredible woman like your wife guy and that makes him a fool.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You are not being reasonable and are over reacting. This was not while you were married. Your wife is smart not to tell the details: you couldn't deal with them. You are better off dealing with the unknown. Your jealousy is unfounded and will destroy your relationship with your wife is you don't get it under control. She asked, "What does it matter?" She said this because nothing she did does matter or affect her feelings for you.
Don't assume that the guy did anything hurtful to your wife. Judging by her response, it doesn't sound like he did. They probably just had fun together BEFORE you came along.
Have you tried to pry into more of her past? It doesn't sound like it. It is probably just because you see this guy all the time.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. HE'S THERE; YOU SEE HIM; AND YOU KNOW HE IS NOT WITH HER!!!!!
...............................
|
