A
male
age
41-50,
*ratoz
writes:To recap;-She broke up with me 5 months ago (no cheating or abuse, her reasons for the BU, she wanted to be independent (see if she can be on her own), loved me but wasn't "in love" with me, felt as though we were more roommates, the standard GIGS lines.-We were together for almost 7 years and living together for most of that time-She was 20 when we got together so for most of her adult life she has been in a serious relationship.-Did the usual begging, pleading for the first few days then went NC for 3 weeks and then NC again for another 3 weeks. For the first couple of months we spoke a handful of times.-Went on vacation between July 4 and September 4. She broke NC again around end of July and we we've been in contact pretty much ever since. While I was away we would keep in email contact and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. When the relationship came up she would tell me she didn't want to get back together but she wanted to see me when I came back and "date" to see where it leads to.-Came back around Labor day and we ended up spending the weekend together a couple of weeks later. We are long distance so we can't always see each other.-We had a great time together - but before I left we got into an argument because I wanted to talk about what was going to happen, etc and she didn't want to have that conversation.-Cooled off for a couple of days then we had a long convo on the phone - She basically re-iterated that she is taking this serious and that she wants to date and see what happens. She isn't going to date anyone else and has only been on a couple of dates in the last 5 months which were nothing. I feel as though this is a transitional period and I really need some advice on how to proceed. From everything I read, most reconciliations happen this way and its best to start a new relationship from scratch and date each other, etc. I am having problems because I can't figure out her intentions. She is always initiating phone and email contact which is a good sign but I am observing her actions and I am not sure how to proceed. She doesn't put in any effort on planning to meet up (she leaves it into my hands) and I feel as though she is wanting me to woo her, court her, etc. That is fine to a point but I am not getting much back from her in that regard. Perhaps its not only that, it could be that I want her to be my girlfriend right now and I don't want to go through all of these steps in order for us to really get back together? I do want to add that we are long distance and can probably only see each maybe one week per month for now anyway.I haven't talked to her on the phone for the last couple weeks as I have been blowing her off and being very short on my email replies. The situation has been causing me stress and being unsure on how to proceed with this. I have tried to pull myself away a bit so I can clear my head. This is the email conversation we had the other dayHer "are you ever going to speak with me"Me "what would you like to talk about?"Her "you - me...I dunno -------what is wrong with u? why are you acting this way"Me "nothing is wrong"Her: "how do you expect to communicate when you won't even talk with me"? What is going on with you?Me What would you like to talk about? Nothing is goingHer "Whatever"Then after a couple of days she sends me this:"I'm So confused about what you want, and what you're trying to accomplish by acting this way?!,??,!? I do miss u-I thought we were gonna get together?!??!"I shouldn't be acting this way either. Obviously, I do want to get back with her I guess I want her to prove that she wants it as much as I do. She is just always "confused" and never really opens up to me which is so frustrating and after 5 months I feel as though I should be getting more from her. I know its a positive that she wants to date but I am struggling to figure out her intentions.I would love to get a good range of opinions on how I should proceed here. I know dating an ex is controversial, I've found some say the dumpee should wait until the dumper totally comes back for a committed relationship and others say you should treat it as a brand new relationship.
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male
reader, mratoz +, writes (24 October 2010):
mratoz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. She had every right to breakup with me and even though her reasons were generic, it was her decision. It was devastating for me and I was slowly trying to move on or at least keep my distance. Her initiating all of this contact, wanting to date, etc is what is causing me all this grief and stress. If she showed that she was serious (not just words) about trying again then I would do everything in my power to make it work but she has been very nonchalant and I don't want to go down that route again if she isn't going to give 100%.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): She sounds immature and indecisive and clearly currently undeserving of your attention if it took her seven years to realize that she wants to see if she "can" be independent. Clearly she is finding that she is very capable of being independent, but is stringing you along so she'll always have someone to fall back on. I say you try to have one serious conversation with her. Tell her it's been going on too long, and that if she wants to be with you, she needs to devote herself to you and get on with it. If she's hesitant or gets angry, she's just not the one for you. I know it'll be hard, but move on, and you will surely find someone as devoted to you as you are to her.
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