A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HELP! Can someone tell me if I’m getting foolish? ( I have this guy and we’re dating for 1 year and 3mos. Were always in dispute since then. But I could say that we both really love each other. And now we’re having a cold war… again. *sigh* I know it’s wrong but every time we fight I’m always bringing up this topic: “breaking up”. I really don’t wanna break up with him instead I just wanna know how much I mean to him. Coz’ every time we fight, he doesn’t even give a valid reasons (or replies). I sent him 3pgs message, then he’ll reply like this: hay, T.T, :c, sorry.It really makes me wanna scream. It seems that I’m the only one who always gets hurt. And now, as I said, we’re in cold war again and I ended our relationship (but it’s usual). It’s only been two days but I already miss him ( but I want to have space to make him realize my worth. I’ll go back once he makes some effort. Coz’ every time we fight, he’ll just say sorry then if I didn’t accept it he’ll get mad as if it’s my fault. Now I miss him and I’m mad coz’ I don’t know how could he resist not to text or message me. He once messaged me this morning: “I'm lucky coz' you've been my GF, you unlucky coz' i've been your bf” I didn’t give him a reply until this evening coz I can’t help it. I texted him: “I loved you but what did you do?”. I know it’s in his nature to be reserved particularly when he’s irritated, but it’s really driving me nuts. What should I do? ((((
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (2 April 2011):
What do you mean his answers are always like :( or sorry? Are you talking about having these conversations by text or online? Because if you are, that's a big mistake. If you aren't having the talks in person, you have no idea what he's doing. He could be studying, watching a movie, jerking off to porn, whatever. It doesn't mean that he's focusing on you and really understanding what you're saying or meaning. Plus, neither of you can get the full picture of emotions of what someone is trying to convey. Plus, having these conversations by texting/typing is a big pain - lots of people don't like saying much by text/online. If you want to have a meaningful conversation, it needs to be in person, with eye contact, with physical contact. And you need to convince him that the talk is serious and important to you and the relationship, that it is safe to have the talk, and that you are being mature and taking this seriously and won't blow up and break up with him. I have no idea what the 2 of you are fighting about, but I have a lot of experience with fighting with bfs. And the guys I've been with usually don't want to talk about the things I want to talk about. And they get fed up with "relationship talk/argument" 100x faster than I do. They have little patience for repeating info. They don't care about emotions as much as logic. Sometimes it's like we're talking in 2 different languages, neither of us getting through to the other. Arguments go from one topic off on tangents, and can easily turn into a blame game. And guys feel like it's a lose-lose situation for them when it comes to discussing, since the girl is often upset either way, even after 4 hours of discussion. I don't really know if this is the case for you. But if it is, you have to show him that you can discuss the relationship maturely. That you can discuss the relationship's problems constructively, and that change can happen that improves the relationship. If one of the things you want to discuss is the fact that he doesn't chase after you when you break up, it could easily turn into him saying, well how much could you love me if you break up with me? And then the 2 of you will just be upset and angry at each other. On the other hand, you might approach it by saying, "I know I was wrong to break up with you, I'm sorry, but it did sort of hurt me that you didn't come after me. Can you tell me why you didn't?" And then maybe talk about what he can REASONABLY do to make you feel more loved. Remember, relationships are about compromise, so don't harp on him to change and apologize if you aren't ready to do your part in the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncoz when i'm talking to him properly and saying my thoughts, i always get a nonsense answers. like: :( or sorry. His answers are just adding another tons of questions! It's like he doesn't care at all!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 March 2011):
Well, to be honest I do think there is something massively wrong here. It's not that you're foolish, but I wonder how much experience you have in dealing with men, because you seem to be glossing over major problems. You've been going out for over a year, and you are having serious arguments. Your response is to talk about breaking up or to actually dump him, as you have done. Why is that your response? It's not mature, it's not making him realize your worth. All it does is make you look like you're the one who doesn't care, and that you can't deal with problems. You talk about him not communicating, but it's you who dumps. Not him. You also say you love him, but realistically you don't dump someone you love with the expectation that they'll come running, or be able to suddenly read your mind. It's worrying that your response to his text was "I loved you, but what did you do?" That's playground responses, and you're an adult. That's not the way to deal with this. Now, to be fair it is clear that he himself has issues. He does seem to play the emotional blackmail card on you, and it's not really like he puts that much effort it. The real issue with him that you now have, is that your problems and the way you respond to them have become predictable. He knows that when you have a problem, you'll dump him. He then knows that all he needs to do is say sorry, and that eventually come back. In effect, any time you get mad, he knows you'll give in. Your threats, your problems, your solutions have all lost their weight because you've used them so often. If I'm being honest, I see no love here at all. What I see is this:You, a woman who hasn't the experience to deal with problems in a correct, calculated and efficient manner. You allow your emotions to rule your head, and your first response is to talk about breaking up, or break up. That's immature, and it shows that you are either incapable of communication in an adult manner, or that perhaps you're playing with his emotions. Or maybe both. You do seem to dump him, then expect him to get on his knees, profess his love and read your mind. Him, a guy who now knows your responses, and uses them against you as emotional blackmail. His text was typical of someone who is an emotional blackmailer. He knew that if he made himself sound like crap, you'd text. He knew it, and you did text. And in a few days, unless you stop this, you'll take him back and the cycle will continue. I can't see anything here worth fighting for. I don't think you two deal with problems in an adult matter, I don't think you communicate together properly, I don't think you have much in common, and I think you are both lacking enough maturity and clarity to be in a relationship at this time. You would do far better to finally end this mess once and for all, move on and spend some time working on how you sort problems out. I can assure you that maybe someone like your boyfriend will accept this, because he can use is against you. But, a good, honest, decent and mature guy won't stand for being dumped and will walk. Leave this mess of a relationship, spend time on your own life and really work at dealing with problems before you date again. There is nothing left in this relationship but more misery and predictable dumping.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (31 March 2011):
To be honest, yes you are sort of being foolish. And I can say that because I've been there and done the break up but don't really mean it thing. It gets old really fast. You say you're getting hurt, but your own actions are hurtful to the one you love. If you break up with your bf, that's hurtful. Or at least it is the first few times. Later on, if it has become a trend, it might not be as hurtful anymore, if he knows you don't mean it and are just using it to try and hurt him. And in the end, it just hurts you. Because people don't like being manipulated, and you breaking up with him so that he will go crazy and try to win you back is manipulation. So when he doesn't beg for you back, you're hurt since you never wanted to break up to begin with. If you want to be with him, apologize for your behaviour. And when you fight, do not break up unless you mean it. If you need to walk out of the room and take some time to cool down, that's fine, but breaking up is uncalled for. And when discussing disagreements, wait until you are both calm and talk about it in an unaccusing way. Just say to him, "I am concerned or bothered by ....., can we talk about what your thoughts about this are....?"
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