A
female
age
30-35,
*ou_love_kira
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now, and I know its about time that I should stop feeling so obsessed and passionate. I am so controlling in our relationship and I don't know how to fix this problem, there were things that happened in my life and the way I was raised that made me this way. While I understand the cause of why I act so controlling, I need to fix this and I just don't know how. We are in a long distance relationship, he lives about three hours away. Couple days ago, he told me he will be visiting the next day and I waited. The next day, he told me he wont be coming until the day after since he needs to go visit his brother first for a day. He hates his brother first of all, and he only gets to spend two days with me if he makes it in time after seeing him. I went crazy and cried to him that I need to see him and started using all kinds of tactics such as guilt-trip and blaming him. I know for sure he is seeing his brother and I kept crying and getting angry at him to come see me. He started crying and yelling hysterically and told me I'm crazy. I really do feel as if its all my fault, and I don't want to drive him away. I don't know what to do. I just want to see him terribly and want to spend every moment with him, but he thinks I am trying to keep him in my sight to control him. I know I can get very controlling at times, I hate the fact that he used to drop everything for me before, and I'm so used to this pattern and suddenly he changed his mind and I feel so lost. I thought of breaking up with him and maybe then I would stop obsessing so much. But I know he will go crazy if I break up with him. Can someone please help me?
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female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (3 July 2011):
sorry to say if you carry on like this you are going to lose him try trusting him more and stop guilt tripping him into it you want him to come and see you because he wants to see you not because you pushed him into it try trusting him more for example when he says he is going to his brothers believe that he is at his brothers if he cried this is obviously getting to him the way you are with him without trust a relationship can go nowhere i know how hard this must be for you not seeing him very often good luck
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 July 2011):
Hi there. Has your relationship always been long distance, or was it once a regular relationship then one of you moved away?
In any case, you are just missing the fact that you can't just see each other regularly, because 3 hours prohibits that pretty much, doesn't it?
It seems like you have made him the centre of your universe somewhat, and can't accept that he does actually have a life outside of being your boyfriend. He is allowed to have a life of his own, just as you are.
The more interesting you can make your own life - like seeing your own friends, going out with them and perhaps starting some hobbies - the less you will be inclined to sit there pining your heart out over not seeing him.
Also, because it's now been 3 years that you've been together, you are probably starting to wonder whether it's all going anywhere. Like marriage, for instance.
This is a perfectly normal way to feel in a long term relationship. Three years after all, is quite a while.
Part of your insecurity could lie in the idea that you might be wasting your time continuing on with it. At some level you are bound to be thinking about it for sure.
It seems that you aren't completely content with the way things are. Plus, with the long distance situation as well, you are never quite sure when you will see each other next. So the LDR thing doesn't help matters much either.
If when you are together, he treats you well and with respect and dignity and doesn't take you for granted, plus spends money on you taking you to nice places, well it might be worth continuing.
Overall though, it does seem that the distance is getting in the way.
With LDR's, there is a lot of uncertainty - because of a lot of absenteeism - so it's no surprise that you might have some lingering doubts as to his faithfulness to you. And that's perfectly understandable. There can be a lot of trust issues involved, especially when you don't see each other every week.
Most relationships where both people live within 30 to 45 minutes from each other, they see each other at least once or maybe twice every week. And that's about average.
It really comes down to how long you feel you can keep it going for and be content with it.
LDR's are very lonely, there's no mistake about that. Telephone calls are ok, but they still don't make up for actually seeing each other in the flesh.
If this situation isn't going to change, well you'll get to a point where you might have to make a decision as to whether it's worth it.
If you do decide to break it off, the next time it might be better to find someone from your own town. Then you'll never have a problem.
And if you do decide to end it, it's not a good idea to try to go straight into another relationship. Have a break for a few months, and get to know yourself better first.
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