A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! Me and my husband recently got married last year, and sometimes I just really don't want him touching me. Sometimes I feel like he is harassing me for sex. If I say no I don't want to have sex, I have to have a big long, keep you up all nite long discussion about it. Another issue is he waited until we had been dating more than 5 months before he told me he could not have kids because he got fixed in his younger age. And he told me that he knew if he told me sooner I probably would have never married him. But I already had feelings invested so I did marry him but this still bothers me. How do I get over these issues? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (4 February 2009):
Is it the fact that he waited to tell you he was "fixed", or is it the fact that you would like to have kids one day and he doesn't? The latter will be much more difficult to get past than the former, I think. The latter illustrates differences in major life goals, and if you are not on the same page with that, then I would say it will always be an issue between you. Even if you stay with him and never have children, at some point you will probably regret this, if indeed you really do want to have children. And I think you will always resent him for this on some level. You will have to decide what is your priority, what is more important to you - having children, or staying with him? You can also talk to him about the possibility of his getting the procedure reversed, if he has had a change of heart about having kids. It's just a shame you didn't figure all of this out BEFORE getting married. It's much more complicated now.
As far as having different sex drives, I believe this is quite common. In my opinion, if you do not want to have sex as often as he does, then it is your right to say no, for whatever the reason. He should not be subjecting you to an all-night psychological rehash over it. On the flip side, there are times when we must give, even when we don't feel like giving, to maintain balance and harmony in our relationship. Sometimes he has to give by leaving you alone, sometimes you will have to give by appeasing him.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting him to touch you, sexually speaking, at times. If this is always the case, though, I'd say that would indicate a problem in your marriage that would need to be addressed.
I don't know the frequency of how often you do have sex, how often he tries to initiate things, how ofen you turn him down. I don't think you should be turning him down all the time, but I don't think he should be pursuing you constantly either, esp. b/c he knows you don't want to have sex as often as he does. And he certainly should not be torturing you about it all night long. It almost sounds as though a power struggle has erupted between the two of you, and that sex has become the weapon.
Generally speaking, when I do not want to have sex, it is usually b/c I am extremely tired, or more often the case is that there is a major unresolved issue between us. But, I am taking steps to get out of the relationship, too, b/c it seems we can no longer resolve things satisfactorily. Rather, I can no longer tolerate his behaviors. However, we are not married, which of course if we were, that would complicate things even further.
You being married, have to decide if you want to stay married. If you do, maybe you two would benefit from some marriage counseling to improve communication and to get your sex life on the same page. And I would say you will have to evaluate this issue of his not wanting kids, and whether or not you do.
A
male
reader, mulattoman +, writes (4 February 2009):
 I disagree with satindesire's advice I've ever read in my life. Divorcing over sexual tension? That's just terrible. I think you two need to seek counseling. Talk about your issues, don't jump to conclusions. You two obviously need your sex life readjusted. His sex drive is way over yours and you're probably just mad with him for not telling you the truth.
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (4 February 2009):
 One thing at a time! You knew when you married him that he couldn't father kids BUT you married him anyway. You seem to be holding this against him.
Psychologically, this could be your sub-concious reason for not wanting sex. Anger won't solve anything.
I sincerely suggest you both get counseling. You're starting married life out on the wrong foot.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 February 2009):
Why did you marry this guy? Surely you are old enough to realise that you can get over feelings so if he had a very high sex drive and you didn't AND he couldn't have kids and you wanted them..... he was not the guy for you.
I really think this could be a case where you simply need to get your marriage annulled.
You should not be at the point where you can't even stand him touching you. That says to me that deep down you feel trapped in this marriage and you know it was a mistake. Do you really think true love is like this?
Go and find a marriage guidance counsellor and have a big chat about all the BIG issues you have. I am sure he may have some of his own as well.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (4 February 2009):
 First issue.
If you two were married last year, and you've already lost interest in sex, your marriage in in for a lot more problems! Realizing that a relationship cannot be built upon sex, but lack of sex can surely destroy a relationship!
If you don't really don't want him touching you, it sounds like you have some issues to deal with. You need to be honest with him!
If you read the questions posted on this forum, you will see that at this rate, it wont be long and he will be cheating! Though I don't approve of cheating, I do understand how it happens. And your situation, is the perfect recipe!
You say that he waited five months to tell you. Though this is a talk that should have happened within the first month or two after you two became serious, you still agreed to marry him.
First you need to address why you don't want him touching you. That is your most important issue. Rejection at this point in your marriage is a very bad sign.
As far as kids, you could adopt.
This sound like the scenario of "buyers remorse"!
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