A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya have any of you males, or females had problems being able to console your partners when they are grieving or just generally upset esspecially when they are crying or is it just me? You see i don't see why i just can't be a sholder to cry on for my gf when shes oing through a bad time or what to say even if shes juts had a bad day. I don't know hwat it is but once she starts cryings i really want to hold her and be there for her but i can't seem to do it. Why is this? What is it that holds people back? Or is it just that men can't do it? I don't know what to do here its making me feel really bad that i can't be there for her and i'm probably making her think that although i am trying to talk to her etc that i don't care which isn't true i love her with all my heart and thats why i'm asking you guys for help. How do i get over this and be able to give her the support she wants and not back away when she crys. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (14 November 2007):
If you've not already read it, get the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" --- it's very good and covers this. Basically, men are very much about solutions and fixing things when there's a problem (e.g. Her: "I've had such a bad day"; Him: "Quit that job - you hate it there anyway"). What women really want is to just talk, and have someone understand -- e.g. Her: "I've had such a crap day!" Him: "What happened?" Her: "My boss....the printer... colleagues etc...." Him: "How frustrating! I bet you must've wanted to scream by the end of the day!".... and on it goes -- no answers, just prompts to help her get it all out, empathising as you go. You'll find she'll start to calm down as she's more able to talk it out. And DON'T be scared of her tears -- women cry out of anger, frustration, sadness, happiness etc.. Men tend to internalise feelings - women don't. It's all out there and you don't need to worry if she cries.... just get her talking.Hope this helps, but do have a read of that book!
A
female
reader, Emajayne  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 you are a sweetheart! about 99% of the guys i know cannot help women with their problems, women are a race on their own and each one grieves and festers in their own individual way. Most girls just want a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen, if you love her as much as you say you do, than i suggest you talk to her about this. I know if my boyfriend (if i had one still) jsut sat me down one day and said all that to me, id be so moved id probably cry. U arent alone in this. ask her what she wants from you when she is upset, not in that context cause you'll wake up missing bits and pieces of your anatomy, but more in a way like "i want to be able to comfort you in a time of need, i just dont know how....i love you soo much, and i dont want u to be upset ever, but in the times when u are, i want to be the best person ever to cry your eyes out on and yell and scream your woes at."
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