A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I have/was with this guy for a year and three months. A around the eighth or ninth month I told him I really wanted to move to another state because my mom and I could not make it out here on our own for financial reasons. He said he's go anywhere with me and that he wanted to take that next step in his life because he loved me. From then until just this month things got to "real" for him. I noticed a change of him being a slight distant and I stressed my concerns with him. He said he had been thinking a lot about moving, and that he was scared and that he was not sure whether he was going to move. He asked me if there was anyway I could stay and help my mom get situated where we were planning on moving to and I could stay there with him. I said, "No, I can't just leave my mom like that, she needs me." He said he wasn't sure. I told him I couldn't be with him he wasn't moving. He didn't say much over the phone. He was rather quiet, so I decided to end the relationship. He asked if he could still call me I said no, unless you're going to decide to come with me, he said can I call you later I said no, we can't do this anymore, he said can I call you in two days? a week? I said I want you to call me when it is you know what you want. He said ok I'm going to call you.Three days of thinking things throughly and talking to my girl friends, I decided to call him. I felt that before we didn't talk much about the future, financial planning, school, etc. We never talked about moving. So I thought it was essential for me to tell him, to give it one more shot, in the name of love, I felt the urge to fight for him. In the sense that I needed to tell him, step by step what my plans were. I told him it wasn't going to be forever, that the move was only going to be for two years until my mother was well off and situated. So we talked and got back together. It felt great seeing him after a week of not seeing him, everything was ok, except for the fact that we both still had that underlying issue in the back of our minds, well I know it was the case for me. I thought by him and I getting back together it signified that he was onboard to leaving. So we talked about it more in depth about it, and he said he was 80% ready to go. That was good enough for me. He said that he'd feel better if he talked to my mom. So we did. And after that he said he was sure to make this big step. Later that day he stressed to me he was worried about what would happen if we couldn't make it together out there. I told him if you really loved me and if we really loved each other we could get through anything. He was really quiet after that and said he has never been in love and wasn't sure what that was, all he knew is that he was happy with me. and that no one has made him feel like that. But that he wasn't sure that he could move in with me, he is concerned about common law, and that it was a real big commitment and that he wasn't sure if he could do it. But he said if he let me go this easy he's regret it. He said he needed time to think because the first time I called him three days later. I told him I had to call because if I didn't I couldn't be able to live with myself knowing I didn't to the best that I could do, and that was telling him everything to try to persuade him to go, discussing all his concerns about shelter, jobs, school, and etc. So now I am giving him his space, for real this time. I'm just confused, I'd like some perspective on this, could there be more to it that I don't know? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to reading this. I'm staying strong, but it really hit me today, when he hid his relationship status, I know it's such a silly thing, but I found comfort knowing that it was still up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): Thank you for taking the time to read my dilemma. I am in no shape or form forcing him to come. Just to clarify a little. This is why we are on a break or broken up, or what have you. I am well aware that it is HIS decision. It's a crummy situation. He's known for a while that this was going to happen, and he was more than willing at the time that I told him. Now, he's concerned because the time his reaching closer. And you're right, I do want him to come but I am in no way shape or form manipulating. He had concerns I answered them. He has a lot of pressure coming from his dad, telling him not to come. He would prefer me to get situated and then his son come down here. He also has pressure from school, there's a lot of underlying factors. I don't know if this makes a difference.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2011):
 If you love him, you will NOT let him move with you.
Why do I say this?
He doesn't want to do it. He's not in love with you. You might continue to strongarm him into going with you, but he will resent it, and hate you for his moving with you.
Your dilemma has caused a crisis in your relationship and forced his hand in deciding if he wants a future with you. He 's decided that he doesn't.
Again, if you love him, you will NOT make him move with you. To force, manipulate, or keep pressuring him, means that you do not love him and only want him for selfish reasons.
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