A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:about 3 wks ago,i started romantically seeing a male friend of 6yrs.so it was AMAZING to start with - the sex has been totally fantatsic, i was always fond of him and he of me but now we are getting really close and we cannot wait to talk to each other and see each other now.its getting even more intimate as the days go on,and he says he adores me and has always wanted something to happen with us but what's happened has exceeded all his expectations etc.........all this sounds great, right?problem:i am a single mum of a 4yr old boy, he does not like it one bit and is jealous of this man.he knows him already and does quite like him,he has been in his life before as mummy's funny friend, but now sees him 3-4 times a wk instead of once every 3wks or so.of course, my son has not seen him naked or even sleeping in my house as its the other room where we have been together,we lock the door and if he wakes in the nite i immediately return to my bedroom for the remainder of the night.every nite i wake up beside my son, even if its 4am before i return to the room.anyhow,we have also shown no affection at all in front of him and act as we did before when around my son, but some of the past few nites, my new man-friend called when he was already in bed (don't get time out alone).some mornings we did pretend he just called in and i had ring the doorbell.my son has copped on and says he doesn't like him anymore and has become v.clingy in bed and won't go/stay asleep.other problem: my mother is very involved with her grandson (only grandchild) and keeps asking is there some new man in my life and if it is this man,as she sees him walk by the house (she lives around the corner) and one morning last week she accidentally walked in on him having coffee in my house after i left that morning for college.i left him there to have breakfast that sday.she has a key for emergencies etc. and as its my 1st week,she let herself in to my house to do some housework and 'help me out' (be nosey?).he was still there and she got a fright and then they had a little chat.however,afterwards she and i had a major fight,now she is saying i have moved this man in to my house and bed (both untrue) and that it is all wrong (she is very catholic), plus as he is 'dodgy' (her words) that its a huge mistake.she has a small point in that he hasn't any fulltime work at present (writer/journalist) and smokes a little weed now and then but he is honest and just a little easygoing/laidback about stuff like that.i am hugely enjoying with someone who thinks i am special and treats my son and i great (he loves my son and is a great help with things).of course,also i love the male company and intelligent conversation in the evenings now,its been such a long while........should i listen to my mother and give this lovely,funny,kind man up or ignore her and follow my heart?what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): hi,its me the orginal poster again,just an update-i ended it (whatever 'it' is...the friendship, the calling in at night, the meeting us both in the park etc.) this morning.he is texting me all day but i keep repeating the same thing as earlier-my son is the priority.he says he understands yet he still thinks we will see one another, and i can't makle him understand that not realistic/practical.what more can i do?i felt we really made the most of our last night together and that was a good way to end it.he left immediately in the morning when my son saw him sitting in the kitchen and got upset that he was having tea and said he did not want him to live there and sleep in the other room anymore.i explained that he does not live there but he hit my guy friend who got very upset.i felt terrrible for him also, he has been nothing but nice to us both and in fact he babysat last night to allow me go to the cinema for a rare night out.it is very sad and i took it out a bit on my child's dad when he reiterated that 2hrs max is all he can handle of his son and that its on his terms, i just felt i got the raw deal out of it but thats the price i've paid for getting involved with a loser 5 years ago.i just thought i had served my penance and deserved a nice man in my life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): yes,i agree about the getting a job in theory but its surely not my place to tell him what to do at this early a stage in our relationship? but yes, if it turns into a serious relationship (its too early yet to tell) i will ask for this man to get steady work, and i have spoken to him about it as an issue to consider, i.e. that its something i see as essential in a potential long term partner.for everyone's benefit.
no,he would not be moving in with us, unless we were getting married.so thats not an issue.but i wonder is showing affection not a bit much for my son to see if its so early on?he hasn't seen us kiss or hold hands yet.at present he sees him around me as a male friend having tea and watching tv and playing with him like my other friends,just a lot more often than usual and that he stays in the other room sometimes at nite.i am in college all day and spending with my son in the evening, so when is it appropriate to see him if not at night?my son IS my priority but his dad left before he was bron, so its not leike its a recent seperation,he has always had me to himslef.i don't get regular time when he visits his dad or his family,in fact my son's father does not see him regularly - maybe once a fortnite for an hour/max two and then with little/no notice,impractical to make arrangements for that time and to be honest, i use it to read or do the shopping or write emails and not to meet people/appointments cos of the risk of cancelling all the time.i am confused as to what it means that my priorities are wrong - they are my son, my college, my friends/family and this man so far....i just don't know if a man can EVER fit into my life if i don't make an effort with someone after being alone for several years.am i to stay single?
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (22 September 2008):
 Go with your heart. First of all tell your mum you have to be allowed to live your own life. You appreciate her concerns but you are not intending to hurt anyone but feel the timing is right to move on in your life, and if you make a mistake thats your business, you are not a child.
Your son is at the age where it is normal to be a little jealous of men, plus he has had you to himself for some time. My son is being clingy with me if his dad cuddles me and wants mummy all the time (he is almost 4).
Just keep reinforcing the fact that you love him very much and that your friend is being very nice to mummy and you really like him. Include this man in outings etc and allow your son to see some public displays of affection such as hand holding and a light kiss goodbye etc. You are doing the right thing at present regarding him not seeing him in your bed but the time will come when you want to progress to that stage if this is a serious relationship. Just take it slowly. In almost 4 years as a single mum my children only ever saw two men in my bed, one was a reationship that lasted 8 months and the other one is now my husband and their step dad. Of course there were more than two men in that time but they didnt need to know that!!
If your son 'acts out' and gets really upset or cross about this man dont make a big issue out of it as he will will quickly learn that he is in charge of the contact you two will have. If its small comments just ignore it but punish major bad behaviour in the same way you always would but concentrate on the fact its the behaviour thats unacceptable i.e. temper tantrum etc but not the fact that its about your friend if that makes sense. I wish you luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): It's hard to say what you should do without knowing what it is you want. Do you want someone to just have fun with and keep you company or are you hoping for a long term relationship? If you just want to have fun and can keep this man out of your relationship with your son then I don't see a problem (it's not fair to ask your son to cultivate a relationship with a man you are not serious about). If you want a long term relationship I'd think twice about getting involved with a man that doesn't have steady employment. Unless, you are okay with the possibility of supporting this man. It's nice to be able to follow your heart and your head.
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