A
female
age
,
*aryB
writes:I am in need of your advice on how to handle a situation that has come about...I am disillusioned and having a hard time dealing with the fact that I have put my trust in certain people who I'm am sadly finding out are hypocrites.I have written to this forum several time about my ex of 7 yrs. who had left me devastated and confused by his horrid actions, betrayal and treatment of me. The last post that I wrote concerned the fact that my ex had married a woman of, in my opinion low standards. Someone who from what I had been told was nothing more than an alcoholic like him. Most of these things were told to me by my ex's sister who for the last 2 yrs. had stayed in contact with me of her own accord. She repeatedly spoke to me of how sad she was that my ex had done what he did to me, that she loved me, how the family missed me and would always think of me as family regardless of what had happened and most of all how low my ex had stooped by marrying his new wife. That she could never take my place in their minds. His sister told me she thought he had surely lost his mind with this one and that even though she loved her brother, I certainly deserved better. I will admit that although, I knew nothing that she told me would change what was, it did in a way make me feel somewhat better knowing they felt this way and it also, helped me get past all the hurt he had caused me. I never once other than on an occasion in response to what she may of told me spoke of my feelings for him and what he had done. I guess, in a way I felt that this was my ex's karma for what he did to me.Well, now comes the disillusionment...a few day ago via fb I hear that my ex's wife has terminal cancer. I would like to think that I am a loving and compassionate person and because of that I do feel bad that another human being is suffering regardless of who she is. Now, everyone is expecting me to feel sorry for my ex which is a hard thing for me to do. I feel no ill will towards her but, I feel no remorse for what he may be going through. Now I have become the heartless bitch...his sister has written to other people who are also, friends of mine which is how I know what is going on that this girl was so amazing and a gift to her brother. That she had made my ex so happy and he is so devastated. Are you kidding me, I couldn't believe what I was reading...that is totally the opposite of what she has all along told me about her. What happened to the fact that she was an alcoholic like my ex and enabling his addiction and what a loser she was. She was on fb asking people to please pray for a miracle for her. Since reading all this I have not spoken to her because I do not want to be drawn into all this drama. My other friends think I should at least let her know that I feel bad for the situation and because I won't do that it has kind of made things between all of us a little tense to say the least.When my mother was ill with cancer he never once showed any compassion towards me or her even while I was still with him nor did he even acknowledge her passing which happened shortly after he had dumped me. Now, I am supposed to show compassion for what he is going through. Am I wrong to feel the way that I do? Also, is it wrong for me to be angered by the things his sister led me to believe and now is saying differently? Are my friends being unrealistic in expecting me to come forth and show my ex's family that I care? I even have a couple of friends, and I use that term lightly here, who believe as ridiculous as this may sound, that because I wished him karma that I brought this on him- don't laugh I am serious, they really do think that. Please, your insight would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about in my opinion. After the way your ex treated you, particularly with your mother but with everything else too, I'm not surprised you don't feel bad for him.It sounds to me like your former sister in law and your friends are now feeling guilty because they have been horrible to a woman who is now dying. It's very common for people to suddenly start treating someone with a terminal illness like a saint when they find out they are dying, despite what they thought of them beforehand. As you say, it's very hypocritical but remember that it says a lot more about them than it does about you. Tell these people you won't be a hypocrite and you are not going to pretend or force yourself to feel something you don't feel. Also tell them you are not going to discuss it any further. Stop giving them any ammunition to attack you with.Oh and finally, as I understand it 'karma' is when someone who has done bad things is 'paid back' by the universe for their bad deeds. It cannot be wished upon anyone. So if this is indeed karma at work, then your ex husband has no-one to blame but himself.I'm so sorry you are going through this, please let us know how it goes. All the best.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 August 2013):
 Live your life to please yourself not others.
If the relationship with the former SIL has turned toxic... end the friendship...
you are an adult and being told what to do by other adults is pointless on their part as all you have to say is NO
why do you care what other people who you do not value think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): Feel what comes naturally to you and don't regret it, after all, you was wronged by both these people and now karma has dealt them a hand, you had no intervention in that so I see no reason why you should feel sorry, bad, guilty or whatever else about this situation. If you don't feel an compassion towards them about this situation, it doesn't make you a bad person. I believe in treating people how they treat you, not how I would like to be treated, that's just a fools game. If your ex and his woman showed no compassion over the passing of your mother (not to mention what happened prior to that) then its well within your discretion to show none in return, in my view.
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