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male
,
anonymous
writes: I am a married man of early-thirties with one child and ridiculously i have fallen for a single woman in her late twenties who used to be in an art group with me. This is NOT about whether i should leave my wife but how should i handle this situation towards this other woman. At the beginning of Feb she moved away to start a new life elsewhere. I have always been fond of her and we had lots in common including an ability to know instinctively what makes each other tick.I thought that when she moved my feelings for her would fade but they havent - i miss her every single day and its starting to ruin my life. Nothing has ever happended intimately between us because i love my wife and she is herself said in a social outing one day that she would not mess around with men who already in relationships. Mine went through a rough patch recently but nothing to do with her or any other woman. However my friend provided a lot of support by being there to talk to. I have not mistaken this for affection. I have also seen her a couple of times on trips etc.For weeks and weeks i have contemplated ending my friendship with her because of my feelings towards her. I cannot keep this up. At my last visit she told me how much she valued our friendship. I had gone with the intention of saying goodbye but then i realised that would have been a terrible thing to do to her and instead had a deep conversation about relationships and her frustration at not being able to find Mr Right to settle down with. I cant see the wood for the trees. My options as i see them are:-1) I just carry on the friendship (which i value irrespective) and try to control my feelings for her. They may pass - but then again they may not.2) Carry on as is and just the let the friendship fade by deliberately distancing myself. Might be best option as she does have a busy work life.3) Tell her goodbye either by letter or face to face as have this overwhelming desire to tell her how i feel. However that means losing a friend.4) be hyponitised and be told i dont love this woman! What else is therefore me to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2006): Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practise to decieve.....Your feelings for this other woman will not fade, they'll grow. Then you'll hurt your wife and loose everything you have. Be a man stop the contact and try to be a better husband, an decent father and an honourable man
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): Sounds to me like you are unwilling to face some truths inside of yourself - especially the question of whether or not you will leave your wife for this other woman you are in love with.
My advice to you is to be brutally honest with yourself so that you can sort out your priorities and stop living in the tension between competing desires.
The first key question to ask yourself is if she feels the same way about you - madly in love - will you leave your wife for her?
It may be that you are holding back your own opinion on this, even inside yourself, until you know whether or not she has feelings for you - that way you can protect your ego if you are rejected.
To help you face this question imagine she was standing infront of you right now, saying all the things you feel for her, right back to you?
How would you feel knowing that? What would you be prepared to do about it?
Next imagine the same situation, but she is saying she has zero feelings for you and thinks your crazy to have even thought that about her?
There are 3 possibilities:
(a) She's in love with you - you will leave your wife
(b) She's in love with you - you will not leave your wife
(c) She's not in love with you - you will not leave your wife
Now if you would leave or stay with you wife, depending on this face the truth inside yourself answer, i think you can then work out the answers to your questions below:
1) I just carry on the friendship - Good for (b) & (c)
2) let the friendship fade - Good for (b) & (c)
3) Tell her goodbye
- Too dramatic - not a good idea, unless you are secretly hoping that as you dramatically tell her (that you are ending the friendship because you are in love with her) she tells you she loves you too? that's a sneaky way to get at the truth - far better to be honest about it to yourself and her
4) be hyponitised - not a good idea
I would say the best option is
5)Decide whether or not you would leave your wife if your friend is in love with you. If you would leave, have a frank and open discussion with your friend and see what she says. be prepared for a let down if she doesn't love you, but if you are a true friend to her and she to you, it will deepen your friendship that you could trust her enough to tell her honestly how you feel without destroying the respect you have for each other as friends.
If she's in love with you and you are prepared to leave your wife, it will be the best thing to happen to you.
However, be warned, if you are not prepared to leave your wife, why torture yourself, your friend and your wife with this - act responsibly as we all hope people will do as adults to us.
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A
female
reader, electra  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 HEY THERE
I FEEL FOR YOU I REALLY DO SWEETIE, BECAUSE ITS OBVIOUS TO ME BY WHAT YOU SAY THAT YOU DO DEEPLY LOVE YOUR WIFE BUT VALUE YOUR FRIEND ALSO. KINDA CAUGHT BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE SOME WOULD SAY, BUT FEAR NOT SWEETIE I WILL TRYT MY BEST TO HELP YOU OK, MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE OBVIOUSLY CONTINUE WITH THE FRIENDSHIP THAT YOU VALUE SO DEEPLY BUT TRY AND KEEP YOUR DISTANCE WHILE BEING A GOOD FRIEND IF THATS POSSIBLE, YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOUR WIVES FEELINGS IN THIS TO HOW WOULD SHE FEEL IF SHE KNEW YOU WERE HAVING THESE DEEP FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN HER.... SPEAKING AS A WOMEN MYSELF SWEETIE IF MY MAN TOLD ME THAT HE HAD FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE AS WELL AS ME I WOULD BE GUTTED OR EVEN HEART BROKEN SO FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR WIFE YOU HAVE TO TRY AND NIP THESE FEELINGS FOR YOUR FRIEND IN THE BUD AND CONCENTRATE ON YOUR WIFE AND YOU I KNOW THAT WILL BE DIFFICULT BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO LOVE YOUR WIFE DEEPLY IT WOULD BE A REAL SHAME TO LOOSE THAT.
TAKE CARE X
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