A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have discovered my husband of 25 years is cross dressing and messaging other men online.His work has been extremely demanding and stressful for some months so I put his change in behaviour down to this...(he has been .distracted, very stressed, constantly tired, awkward and argumentative, uninterested in sex)During lockdown he has changed completely and my husband is back, he’s happy, chilled, interested in doing things together and wants sex again. He hasn’t messaged any men since March. I can see from the messages he hasn’t met anyone, he has sent pictures and men have sent pictures back, he did arrange to meet one man then chickened out and the messages seemed to stop for a while but then started again. I feel lost, I’m angry, hurt, confused, I don’t know how to confront him and I’m terrified and devastated what this means for my marriage, I love him and I love our life together. I just don’t get it, he has never made me think he is anything other than straight, I don’t know what this all means and I don’t know what to do. I’ve read websites that say I should be understanding but my brain goes nuts and thinks understanding ??? He is basically cheating on me and has deceived me about who he is and allowed his fetish to destroy us !!!I just don’t know where to turn or what to do Reply to this Question
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male
reader, sissyJoanne69  +, writes (3 July 2020):
 Being a cross dresser my whole life, I can offer you a perspective from my point of view. I would confront him with everything you know, not in a mean way but calmly, I know, if it was me, I would be glad you know all about what I was doing & this would open the door to talk about it. I know you feel as if he cheated on you, but really, he didn't. In my personal case, my wife knew all about my cross dressing before we married but as time went by, I fell deeper & deeper into wanting to be a woman. I told my wife several different times that I wanted to take female hormones & be with a man but she just thought I was not serious. Then one day I came home from being out as Joanne, with acrylic nails, my ears double pierced, my eyebrows waxed into thin, highly arched lines & my shoulder length hair cut & styled in a feminine look, my wife didn't like it but she stayed with me. Even after she seen my pictures of me performing oral sex on a man, she stayed. I had to move into the spare bedroom & we now live as friends & roommates but we are still somewhat together. As long as both of you are honest with each other & can give as well as take, you should be alright. I hope this was helpful even just a little. best of luck to both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Your husband finds his happiness and contentment in dressing like a woman; and by all indications, he is also attracted to men. Even if he has never actually had sex with a man; messaging and arranging meet-ups is eventually going to lead-up to just that.
For the first half of his life, it seems your husband has lived according to normal traditions and societal-expectations. He has lived according to the norms as prescribed by gender-specific responsibilities. Be a man, get a wife, have children, and fit-in. He may have been hiding this all his life; and now has reached the point he has decided he will do what makes him happy. That is totally unfair to you; because you have been deceived. You know another person, not the person you have just now discovered.
Being a gay-man, I will cast no stones. I am not condemning your husband. I am not passing judgement. I feel strongly that women should never be deceived by men as to who they are, and what their sexual-orientation truly is. You don't marry and have five kids; then decide you want to be a woman! You determine who you really are, and what you really want during your development into manhood. You either seek professional-help in dealing with your conflicts, or make your decision according to your own will and conscience. Don't hide and deceive; and destroy the lives of your wife and children. Then expect everyone to be understanding??? Seriously?!! The magnitude of such discovery is mind-boggling to a woman thinking she married a masculine heterosexual; who is exclusively in-love with her. Not wanting to be with other men! The same for men who marry women, to discover she is attracted to women as much as he is!
Please understand. Many men are forced into hiding; and being or doing what is expected of him. Their only option is to be disowned and rejected by their families. Ostracized and persecuted by their community and society. Even stripped of their employment or civil-rights. Over the past 30 years, that's hardly the case outside of Asia, Africa, the middle-east, Latin America; and certain countries with strict and deadly enforcement against homosexuality. In Europe, Canada, and America that isn't quite the case; although there is prejudice and frowning upon men being anything but men.
Understandably, it seems logical that we would be born women if we were meant to be. Some decide they'd rather be. Some can only identify as female. That's entirely another topic. I won't venture into it. Cross-dressing doesn't always lead to sexual-reassignment; nor does it mean a man is homosexual. In your husband's case, that is yet to be fully determined. So you have to gain the courage to address the matter directly. You have no choice.
You should not feel guilty or pressured to accept it, because others do. It does not condemn you to ignorance; because you prefer to be married to a man who loves you, who is heterosexual, and has no inclination towards fetishes of any kind. Liberalism is a choice, not a directive or a mandate! It makes you no less of a good-person to stand by your beliefs and values. As long as that doesn't mean you condemn or want harm done against others for being different. You get to chose whom you marry, whom you devote your love and life to. Deception is unacceptable; unless you find it within yourself to forgive him, and make some sort of compromise. You wouldn't be wrong if you decided not to either!!!
Many men do want children in their lives, even if they are gay. That does not justify using women as a vessel to create children; then leave them astonished and confused after they've loved and devoted their entire lives to their families and marriages. It's incomprehensible and selfish to spring it on them like is nothing more serious than growing a beard. Instead of using them as a "beard." In this case, I fully understand your concern, heartbreak, and bewilderment. He is the total opposite of everything you've known him to be!
Think it over. Give yourself time to adsorb the shock. Settle your emotions. Then speak to him about all this.
Comeback and update us. Lets work this out, and feel free to vent your feelings to us. You have our fullest and sincerest sympathies, and we will advise you as best we can.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 June 2020):
 First of all, and most importantly, don't panic. Stay calm. While this is a big shock to you, it is not necessarily the end of your marriage.
Despite your shock and understandable horror at what you have discovered, it does not sound like your husband actually did meet up with any men. However, this is something which you need to ascertain from him.
Please contact the Beaumont Society, who can provide support for both you and your husband.
Many transvestites cross-dress as a way of relaxing and "letting go" of stress. Men who have stressful jobs find having an "alter ego" ("she" usually has a name and a separate personality) gives them the escape they need from the parts of their lives which stress them out. Reading your post, this sounds like it could very much be the case with your husband.
You do need to sit down with him and tell him what you have found and you both need to talk and listen to each other. Being a transvestite is not the same as being transgender, nor does it automatically mean your husband is gay. Contact with the men may have just been a way of trying to confirm his female alter ego.
In your shoes, my first step would be to contact the Beaumont Society to talk this through with someone so that you can work out the best way of handling it. Depending on what your husband says, this may be repairable. However, there will need to be give and take on both sides.
I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2020):
 Don't you think you HAVE to have a talk about this?
I get that it's not a thing you want to confront or even talk about, but, this is YOUR life too. If he solicits men online what if he has (in the past) hooked up with some? He can bring home STD's and put YOUR health at risk. Or he talk to the "wrong" kind of guy and "invites" violence into the home.
It doesn't MATTER that he is x-dressing. IT matters that he is TRYING to cheat. Personally, I wouldn't be very "understanding" if my husband was contacting other people online to hook up with them, regardless of their sex, or his predilection for x-dressing.
Being a x-dresser is no excuse for cheating. No one should get a "free pass" there.
Which is why I think you DO need to talk to him. I don't think this is something that you can sweep under the rug and pretend you haven't seen. BUT before you DO so, where do you see all this going?
It's out of the bag and I don't see him hanging up his "dress" and be who you THOGUHT he was for the rest of your life. Could you life with a guy who does this?
He HAS deceived you. If you had known PRE-marriage that he was a x-dresser and ALSO into men, you would probably never have married him? Correct? I certainly wouldn't have, if I was in your shoes.
He IS basically cheating on you. He has deceived you. And he is making a mockery of your vows and marriage. Which is why YOU need to consider what YOUR next step would be if he told you that he can't/won't stop x-dressing and contacting men.
I saw a British show about a guy who came out to his wife (after she caught him) as a cross dresser and it was made out to be this totally understanding wife who was OH so happy for him to find his true self. But let's be honest. NO one who marries a MAN, wants to end up living with someone who dresses like a woman, and hits on other MEN. You married him and lived with him for 25 years thinking you had married a MAN, a faithful and straight man. And reality is, HE is neither faithful nor straight.
I'm ALL for accepting people who wants to be "true" to themselves. But if they can't even be true and honest with a SPOUSE/partner, it's an issue. You might think if you hear about someone ELSE doing this, well, GOOD for him, but YOU have to live this because he is your spouse. And it's no longer "good for him", because it sucks for you!
I honestly, can't put myself in your shoes and NOT be totally pissed off at your husband on your behalf. My heart breaks for you. Not him. He is making choices that doesn't JUST affect him. But all HE cares and think about is HIMSELF. Even after 25 years of marriage to you!
So, think it though. Where do you see this going?
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