A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am an older man in my 40s who is really having trouble adapting to social media and the digital world it has spawned.It's not because I am not tech savvy, because I am. I am a software engineer by trade. It's because I have a bad self-image. I don't like my picture taken and I don't like to see myself. I won't even look into a mirror. Sometimes (not usually) I've been happy with my appearance but even then I don't like to see myself. When sitting in the barber's chair I look straight down and just accept whatever the stylist does. I don't know how people like dancers can take class in front of a mirror. I tried that once and it was horrifying to focus on myself in the mirror. Anyway, despite my anxiety it was never really a big deal. So I didn't make it into the class picture or I was always the person half-obscured by a pillar or with my hand over my face in photos. Sometimes I managed to take a photo I liked and I could use it for years at a time: passport, DMV, etc. The problem is that in this age we are constantly confronted with the pressure to take photos of ourselves. Now that my work is remote I am encouraged to have a "profile picture" for the teleconferences. Even when speaking in teleconferences live I really prefer not to have my camera on for others (and myself) to see. It makes me self-conscious and I hate it, despite that I have no problems speaking and interacting in person. In fact, I am probably on the more socially aggressive side among my peers - although as engineers we are all sort of wallflowers. I hate seeing that little window with my image in it. I have taken to wearing sunglasses and other gimmicks to make it bearable. When I was a little kid I hated being in pictures. I am scowling in most of them.Now everyone (friends, family, coworkers) wants to share Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Snapchat. I don't have most of those and the idea of it is horrifying to me. The pictures I take are of sunsets, animals, flowers, and things that interest me - not people. I remember when I was 7 I went to a botanical garden and my (older) sisters and mom wanted to see the photos I took which were almost all landscapes. I distinctly remember my sister saying: "These are nice but there are no people in them. We want to see your friends!Now, I did have friends, but it never dawned on me that I'd want to photograph them. Why? To preserve memories? I've got those. To share with others? Not a really common event EXCEPT... Now social media has changed all of that. Sharing with others is bigger than ever. I've never taken a selfie. I probably never will. I feel really out of place and isolated and, quite frankly, a little depressed that the world has taken this turn.I always considered being camera-shy a quirk, but it is becoming an issue because I don't want to be posted on someone else's social media either. My friends now know better than to take photos of me because I will berate them for doing so and posting them. I never considered this a large issue in my life before now but it is starting to impact friendships and even to some extent my job when my employer wants to know why I am not on cam like most everyone else.I am not really sure what advice I am asking for here except to wonder if I am alone feeling this way or do others also have such anxiety about seeing themselves? What can I do to cope? I feel the advent of social media was created to torture me and ruin my life by highlighting my worst phobia for the world to see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): Years ago, just out of high school, I got stopped by a lady when I walked into a men's store looking for a tie. She told me to look to the left and to the right. Gave me a business card, and told me I should come for a shoot. I was flattered, I'd heard about stuff like that. I did go and checked it out. It was a small modeling agency, and most of the people I saw there were so tall and good-looking. I never saw myself like that, and I still don't. She just liked my odd/unusual features, I guess. She used the word..."exotic." Nowadays, that's not a compliment! It's slightly racist in its implications. It means you're nonwhite, and suspect of being some kind of a foreigner. Half my heritage is indigenous, it's the biracial-mix that makes me look "different."
To make a long story short, I hated it. I hated standing posed for long periods; and being told how to stand, or what expression to have on my face. People fussing over your appearance; and being told that under a certain light it makes you look too "dark" and "dingy!" I hated being around all those conceited people. This is before cell phone cameras, and selfies. The others all loved it. I quit after I made a little money, and joined the Air Force. That I loved!
Wayback in the day, my Native American grandparents had to be convinced, or nearly forced to take pictures; because they felt something eerie about holding an image of yourself in your hand. They also avoided cameras. Not unless it was absolutely necessary. Like many cultures, they fear it's like stealing your soul. Not that they were crude or ignorant, it's just a thing old-school traditional Indian-folk (not the Asian kind) have about pictures.
Like you, to this day I don't like taking pictures. As far as family goes, you didn't have a choice. If my parents wanted you to get a class picture, you got one. If my dad took a family photo, we all had to be in it. No nonsense!
I still had to take photos for military ID, drivers license, passport, and my new recruit photo. I pushed myself to do them all. I got the dreads, and feel nervous every time I stand in front of a camera. My flesh crawls, and I feel my hip nerves tingle. Like that flutter you get in your eyelids! I don't worry about my looks, it's that I never feel like I look like the person I see in the photo. It feels disconnected or disassociated from who I am. It's like the camera sees one thing, and I see another.
I HATE pictures of myself! I already feel cringy and embarrassed receiving compliments as it is; but you'll get a bunch of proofs from all the modeling shots you take. You have to have headshots and body photos for your modeling portfolio. Your agency keeps them! I gave them to my friends and family, but they have to keep them out of my sight. I have not looked at not a single one of them since. I did catalog, a few runway, posters, and a couple of commercials. It was not what I thought it would be like. I felt silly, while everybody else seemed to get-off on it. Sorry I ever tried it! Except, you sometimes get to keep the designer clothes and shoes; or you can buy them on a huge discount! That was cool!
I also have to ZOOM, necessary for work. It's mandatory to live-conference, it comes with the job. I do it, like-it or not! I can't allow my quirks to interfere with my professionalism. I bite the bullet, but my feelings about it won't change. I had to get a photoed work-badge for security purposes for the job. You can't get around that either. Like I said, I just bite the bullet. Given a choice, I'd run screaming in the opposite direction if I could. Forced into a corner, I do what has to be done.
You're a mature adult. A grown-ass man! Progress and technology changes everyday; and you have little choice but to adapt to it. Like you and Honeypie, I'm no big fan of social media. I gave-up Facebook, because I'm tired of all the political junk people were forcing down my throat. Never a twitterer!!! I had an avatar on FB, I would not use my own photo. I got rid of FB after being hacked, and I don't miss it! I was sick to death of all those selfies and mugshots of people day-in and day-out! I still have to facetime with family, some live in other states; and my sisters whine if I don't do it once in awhile. They know not to press, I'm almost like you about that!
Just do what you absolutely must do, as far as work. Your image is yours to share if and when you feel you want to. You cannot stop every camera that points in your direction; you may inadvertently get caught on camera. You are viewed through security cameras on the street, in businesses, and even on residential doorbells. Whatcha gonna do, wear a burka? I don't mean to make you feel paranoid, I just meant to emphasize the reality and futility of it all! When it becomes a mental-health issue, you seek solace from your faith and worship; or you see a therapist, and seek the use of science and medicine. If you're single and searching, don't expect much response without a photo of yourself. Yes, pics can be stolen and used by others. You risk your image and identity everyday, you can't live in a paranoid bubble!
Well, I'm sure wearing a mask for covid gives you some relief! If caught on camera, all they see is from the eyes up, and from the neck down! That should give you some peace of mind! Otherwise, you have to adapt to reality; the world doesn't stop its rotation to consider our idiosyncrasies. You are in control of your impulses; and you learn to manage your anxieties, in spite of a few flare-ups. I definitely feel you, sir! But as they say, it is what it is!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): I have never posted anything in my life and refuse to join what I consider to be an incredibly self-obsessed culture. I've always hated having my picture taken and if it is, say a family member wants to remember a day out. then I don't look at it, or pretend to look and avoid looking at my own image. I have never 'zoomed' and can't imagine being comfortable doing so. I'm not a 'natural' at that kind of thing.I am fairly old and so didn't grow up with this culture of taking pictures of absolutely everything all day long. I notice youngsters being so comfortable posing and being able to do it very well. Good for them, but it's not for me.I have two businesses, both of which can be run without the internet. Not an accident! I am old school and realise I am out of touch, but I am fine with that. And in answer to your question, no, you are not alone!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 March 2021):
 I don't have social media. AT all. You don't NEED social media to live. Some have them for business reasons but I'd presume they do more posting of products than themselves.
I think my husband has posted 2 pictures of me and the kids, no more. Because I don't want them "out there". My kids also don't post pictures of themselves and the 2 youngest LOVE taking selfies so that is a surprise. My middle one posts videos of her hand-feeding the squirrels and turkeys. My youngest post a lot of nature pictures and pet pictures (and she takes some AWESOME pictures) and of course.. memes... Because that is what they find funny.
What I do know is this, people who post pictures of themselves take MANY MANY MANY selfies before picking the "best" one (the one they like the most) and some (many) then uses filters to alter them to look even better.
Do you HAVE to post pictures? No. If you take good nature pictures then post those!
You don't have to post ANYTHING you don't want to. No one is MAKING you. YOU actually have the power there. YOU are the editor of your social media webpage.
I get that family would LIKE to see pictures of your friends instead of a flower, but GUESS what?! You can decide what you want to post! That is how it works! Tough cookies!
My brother posts pictures of cars, horses, dogs, and from their travels. He doesn't post pictures of his wife and kids UNLESS they OK the pictures first. It's not that he loves cars, travel, horses, and dogs MORE than his family. But those are his interests. His family is sacrosanct. Some pictures HE is in (he has always been a bit of a ham in front of the camera) and that is fine. He does what HE likes.
YOU do what you like.
If you need a profile picture for LinkedIn or work, then I would suggest you try the selfie thing. There are plenty of videos on how to do good selfies on Youtube (believe it or not) take 20-30 (or more) - find one YOU like, use that and discard the others. And then you won't have to worry about a profile picture for another 5 ish years.
My dad was an amateur photographer growing up and when I hit my teen years I just got tired of being asked to pose. Face this way, catch the light, chin up, chin down, don't "fake smile" blah blah blah. I avoided being in pictures. But in family, friends, school pictures, etc. it never bothered me to be in them. So I get the "not liking to be in pictures".
The thing is, you LOOK the way you look due to genetics. You inherited the nose from someone, the eyes may be from another, etc., etc. You are a SUM of your ancestors. You may not think you are handsome, so what? LOVE your face. Because you are stuck with it until you die. Some people are not photogenic. It happens. Again, so what? Do you think most of the pictures you see on social media aren't "doctored"? You have "influencers" (let me gag a second here at the notion of .... influencers) who look NOTHING like their pictures. And guessed what? They sell stuff so others can look like that.. THEY don't even look like that... Think Kardashians for instance). Selling women make up that they don't use themselves. It's LUDACRIS!
And so is this who "look at me, look at me" social media attitude. NO ONE says YOU have to join in. You aren't a lemming or a sheep, right? So you don't have to follow the flock.
Be you. Accept your face. Accept yourself. SCREW what others think you should post. Fuck that! Be an individual. Be you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): Just don't be in photos and that's it. I never am. I don't take photos with others. I didn't do it even for work, because it was not in my contract. It was just something my bosses decided ad hoc and tried pressuring me into it. I'm smart, funny, sociable and I learned how to say no. When you politely say no and never explain yourself, people stop pushing and you stop giving it such importance.Now, if you wish to get over this, try behavioral cognitive therapy. Your therapist will help you to get used to this idea at your own pace. They will also tackle the root problem. In my case... well... I'm not embarrassed to say, it's a fact, I don't like how I look, especially on photos ever since I started gaining weight due to arthritis and the meds to treat it. So I have two choices miraculously get cured or learn how to accept this. It's important that you don't push yourself, because this is what creates anxiety. Saying no becomes less of an anxiety trigger the more you do it and trust me at some point you will be less stressed by people and people will leave you alone. I'm not saying it's easy, but once I take this decision things will get easier. You have the right to do things your way as long as your not hurting anybody.
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