A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is my first serious break up. we were long distance for years, he in the military, me in college and a little post-college. He got out of the military, we both started law school in the same town. After having been a couple and having trial living together arrangements we took a leap of faith and love and moved in. A year later, I have broken up with him and literally feel sick to my stomach with what I have done. I am so alone in this town. I have no one else besides him. I have no school friends, I can't relate to anyone I've met at law school, and I don't really have or want hobbies to give myself friends, I'm not a very sociable person. I'm not saying I didn't have reasons we broke up, I was having a hard time relating to him in certain ways and a lot of our interactions had become strained, miscommunications and frustrations from that led to fights. But when I look back on my memories I can only think of the positive, which makes me feel like I did the wrong thing. even before we had gone down this path I still felt unsettled, had doubts that plagued me just not 100% fulfilled or satisfied and I couldn't let that go. I know I can't force feelings but I wanted so much for this man to be my person, I really did and I feel sick that I've made it so he's not. I hate myself for not feeling more. He tried to negotiate with me a little, saying this could be a temporary break, and felt so cruel saying no, this is actually it. When we had a goodbye hug he said he loved me and I was silent and I turned around and left. It literally turns my stomach how disgusting I feel about my role in this. Most breakups are about healing from the pain caused by others, but I feel my biggest hurdle is the pain, shame, guilt, and fear I've caused myself. Please help me make this easier for me.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (2 June 2011):
You are welcome, break ups can be hard, so try as best you can to be kind to yourself and not be too hard on yourself while going through it. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's really inspirational. I will look to these words when I'm feeling low. Thank you dearly.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (31 May 2011):
You say that you hate youself for not feeling more. No human has control over how much they do or don't feel for another, we do not determine the strength of these feelings. At least, I don't know anyone who could control their feelings to love someone at will.
I have an experience of being the one who did the breaking up, and suffering from my actions rather than being hurt by another. For me it was worse that the feeling of being hurt by another. What got me through was sticking to one thing, knowing that I was just being honest, true to myself, and doing the right thing. It sounds like you are in a similar position.
Even though it doesn't feel like it now, letting someone go that you don't love as much as you need to can be an act of love. It can also be an act of depression, if you have been feeling low for a long time before the break up, you might want to think about whether you are suffering from depression, and whether that might have coloured your view, there are ways to deal with it. Whatever name you give it, know that you are doing the best you can under the cirucmstances of your current experience, just be honest with yourself and you will find your way.
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