A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,I'm feeling a little confused -A few nights ago I was staying at a friend's house, we were watching movies and having a bit of a drink, nothing too out of the usual. A few months ago he'd confessed to having a little thing for me, but as I have a boyfriend who I adore to bits, he agreed that there could be nothing of it. I'm in no way sexually attracted to him whatsoever. Anyway, we were having a good night, just watching movies and stuff. It got pretty late so we went to bed. I was pretty drunk at this point, so I fell straight into a pretty deep immovable sleep. However, later that night I woke up, with him spooning me, running his hands under my top and all over my stomach and boobs, just going for it. I was absolutely shocked, frozen. My mind just seemed numb, and I couldn't move. Eventually I just rolled over, I was so just terrified I didn't know whether to confront him about it or not. The next day he acted as if nothing had happened, and I'm confused as to whether he actually thought anything of it at all - or worse even realised he'd done it. That same day he hooked up with this girl he's had his eye on for a while. I guess my question is what do you think I should do. I already told my boyfriend kind of, I didn't go into details. I guess I'm really ashamed of myself for not doing anything about it, and letting it happen. I feel really disgusting about it, and i'm afraid it's mucking with my mind...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondefinitely, we both agreed we wouldn't be alone together again. I feel like that's not an issue for me at all, but it's more of an almost temptation for him. I can't see why it should, but this seems to be impeding on my relationship with my boyfriend. I can't seem to get this out of my head!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): it's an excuse. he knows it, you do too.
please watch him and do not give him any mixed signals (he may want to use it as an excuse).
and i think also no more late friendly nights together. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): It probably is possible, and I don't think he'll say anymore on it whether he's lying or not. He might be embarassed either way. Unless you want to bring it up again when you see him in person and/or happy with his explanation or not, you'll just have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): I SUPPOSE its possible. Sort of like sleepwalking only sleep spooning, if you will. I tend to think he was aware [through his drunken haze, mind you] of what he was doing. But it will be very difficult to peg him down on that. Different people react to alcohol in different ways. I myself always remember what goes down and am at least somewhat aware no matter how much I drink. It's up to you whether to believe/forgive him or not. Also, forgiveness and belief CAN be mutually exclusive.I'm sorry you had to go through that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys I thought i'd just give a little update - we were chatting on msn and he kind of apologised, and told me he didn't know what was going on because he was all groggy and asleep... Is this just a totally lame excuse, or could this be for real? I know there's all sorts of reports of people who manage to have sex while they sleep, but it seems a little far fetched... what do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks HereToHelp,I am toying with the idea of confronting him about it. Just the way he acted like nothing had happened, like we were still mates the morning after makes me think he either doesn't realize how not ok that behavior was, or something else, i have no idea what. I agree with you in saying that he hopes I didn't realize. Maybe I would be letting him win if i don't confront him about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): I think that, because you were drunk at the time, he thought he'd try his luck, because you lose some inhibitions when you've had a little too much to drink. If he was drunk as well and you confront him about the situation, he's likely to say he doesn't remember, or if he was sober he'd just clam up. You should confront him about it because of the way it made you feel. He's also probably not said anything because he might think you don't remember, and wants to forget about it. I think you should confront him about the situation, and whether he remembers and apologies or not, let him know how it made you feel. Hope my advice helps. Good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): You just take care of yourself, luv. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what Old Guy, it really makes me feel better that you're acknowledging it as SOMETHING. In my head i can't decide if i'm just imagining it to be a big deal. Thank you so much. I'll definitely take your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Don't get me wrong -- what he did was wrong, it was an assault, it was unforgiveable. It shows him to be a right bastard. So what's left is what will make you feel better. If you're still in the same social circles, if there's ever some chance of being in the same situation again, then by all means tell him that he was a bastard for doing it and that any future inappropriate contact will have serious consequences.
If you're not likely to come in contact again, then really there's no reason to have a confrontation, given that you don't care to press charges.
Either way, you suffered an unwanted violation of your person, and you have to do whatever it takes to make peace with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOld Guy - thanks for your response. I'm not really wanting to press charges, and I'm definitely not wanting my boyfriend to get involved, but I'm wondering about whether to confront this guy about it at all, or whether to just leave it. Maybe you're right, it is partially my fault for getting drunk. But then again I don't think drinking had a lot to do with it. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of not a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Sorry, kiddo, but I'm not really sure what you want to hear.
It was unquestionably a sexual assault, so you can certainly press charges, but it will be a he-said she-said thing, and it's unlikely to result in a conviction. Still, you might get some satisfaction that the fact he was charged with it will be on his record.
You can give your boyfriend all of the details, and that might result in an ass kicking for the molester, which might make you feel better, but might just as well get your boyfriend charged with assault.
You can chalk it up as a bad experience, maybe due to getting drunk in an unsafe place. You can let your friends know that he's bad news; the reputation will follow him around.
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