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*ris
writes: I finally kicked him out. He was a very obsessive/possessive man. He verbally abused me and manipulated me. We had been together for 3 years, and lived together for 10 months. I am glad I have my life back, but I cannot help to feel sad and miss him also. He was a very sweet man to me when things went well between us. I feel sorry for him because he does not realize there is anything wrong with him. I would like to stay connected with him, getting together periodically, but also know it won't go anywhere, at least for now. He now is back in his home which is 250 miles from me. Why do I still care for him after eveything he has done to me? Can we ever be freinds and see each other for now, or would that be wrong for both of us?
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female
reader, MissLyss  +, writes (15 November 2010):
ABSOLUTLY NOT. Things are not going to change, you have to remember that he will do the same exact thing in time. You will only hurt yourself by going back.
Even with help people dont change completely and it takes along time. STAY STRONG... stay out of contact with him.
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female
reader, gypc044 +, writes (25 November 2009):
You can not be friends, even though they tell you they would like to, it just does not work. I was seeing this guy off and on for five years, more off than on, what started out as a nice guy, I slowly found out why his other wives left him. He had a way of making things seem to be my fault he would even tell me there was nothing wrong with him. he would tell me when we fought well if you ever think you can change your ways call me. He could be a sweet heart one min and the next be telling me it was best we were not together and to leave. Would tell me all women wanted him he would never be without someone, so for a long time I often thought it was me, till I made myself stay away from him, I was then able to look back and say wow you were with him that long. (we tried the being friends thing) but that turned to him slowly thinking we were a couple again and so the blaming I was seeing someone started and the your cheating thing. Please move on, I was like you wanted so much to contact him but then I can now sit back and remember how he would be happy to see me and then half an hour into our seeing each other something would be said, it is so not worth the mental abuse to put yourself back in a situation you know will put you back in his arms and the same stuff he will put you thru. In order to break a cycle of abuse you have to be the one to say no more I am a good person I do deserve to be loved the way I will love someone. If more of us would do this our children today would not enter a relationship where they are afraid to leave. It is not just physical abuse that is wrong, words and actions to me are far worse. I hope you find some peace with this answer and know you are a good person, if you give it time you will be amazed at the person you will soon find. take care
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female
reader, thehardestpart +, writes (4 April 2009):
hey. I was with a man for 6 mouths, we just broke up about a week ago. My hardest part is knowing that I will never talk to him again, or have any relationship with him. My ex boyfriend would blame me when he would hit and rape me. After a week of being apart, with no contact I am starting to see his psychotic ways, and slowing, and very very very difficultly figuring out that he is the bad guy not me. I want you to know that being in an abusive relationship, makes you think and act completely differently form who you are. and the only way to define and find yourself again is to cut this man off completely. I understand the pity factor, but what has happened to him in his life is not your fault and you should not be there to bare the punishment of others mistakes. As humans we have all had our ups and downs, but they are for us to bare and work through alone not to blame or pass on as someones responsibility. It is hard. I know, there are nights when i just want to talk to my ex to kiss him to sleep with him but i know that he will find a way to get me to be the person he wants me to be, and not myself. you are stronger then you think. and if this man has gotten into your head before, he will again , so fast and so hurtful. you can live a better life without him, find friends that won't blame you for the mistakes of others and add to your life not make you hate it. be strong, you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): No. That man will never love you the way you think your are supposed to be loved.The way i figured out through experience is that he will never treat you the way you want to be treated .Once he bgins to beat on you is the way he will always react no matter how much he says yeah i will never do it again hes lying. my boyfriend used to tell me "baby im so sorry i will never do it again".BUT each and every time he got mad after the first time thats all he would result to. an think at the time i had been 8to9 months pregnant.An he told me that he would never hit me because he did not want me to lose his baby,in which he said was soooo important to him which i now see is a lie because i lost my baby to cps due his abusive behavior. an i still choose to be with him an the only thing he could say every time he got mad was that it was my fault.An once again he began to abuse me. always trying to make me believe that it was my fault that he hit me he said "that i brought it out of him ". When i knew that,that had not been true.He had rather go out with women that only wanted to use him because they thought he had money when really he was only taken all of my money an leaving me with nothing an telling me "well if you are that desperate to have money why dont you go walk the street . well my point is once a abuser is always an abuser.
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female
reader, dixiecrystalm +, writes (15 November 2008):
If he does not make your heart feel good, that is 100% , it is time to let go and don't look back. I am in a worse relationship and I love him and don't know how to get out because I feel sorry for him mostly financially. I still have not asked him to leave. This is the third attempt at this and I REALLY love him. He always says that he " will never hurt me again" but 2 nights ago?????what was that! My heart goes out to you. You need to see and understand that you need someone who will cherish and take care of you and not make you feel low. Personally, I think he has done more than verbally abuse you. I am planning my freedom as you should plan yours. Sincerely, Crystal
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Thank you Mr Anonymous male. You have now provided us all with an example of the charm of an abusive male. You use skillfull words which I have taken to heart and memorized
Now I know how to identify the brainwashing that occurs with mental abuse, and will avoid it accordingly....
"He's only doing it because he loves you" .... "What did you do to influence him to behave like that" .... "True love can change a man"... If I hear these things from a man, I will now know what to do.... RUN LIKE HELL.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I can't believe people are going through the same thing as me.
I'm in this position now. I've found the above comment from Irish49 really helpful. It's so hard to leave some1 u love.. but i guess we have to understand that the way they treat us, be it out of love or not, is far less than what we deserve. I did everything for my boyfriend, I was there for him when he treated me badly, I came back to him after he hit me. He abused me verbally and later on physically, made me feel cheap and worthless. The thing with abuse is that once it starts, it becomes a habit and it jst continues to escalate and get worse and worse. I stayed with him because he was my 1st.. and I wanted it to work with the "only man" i'd ever been with. But i was selling myself short by being with him. Every1 around me said he wasn't good enough for me but i didn't listen.
Move on babe. We're all in the same position.. friendship does NOT work... EVER! In my experience even as friends, he'll continue to have a hold over you.. where you're going, who you're seeing. You need to completely eradicate him from your life. I know its painful being alone after so long and it's damn hard- i feel the same. But if u have family and friends you'll get through it.. day by day it will hopefully get easier.. jst keep telling yourself this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life.. and do not fall for the "i will change" line. It's never true. Infact if he's anything like my ex, he probably attributes all the flaws in his bad behaviour to you provoking it. Idiots. No woman deserves to be treated in this way.. NO WOMAN.
I live in hope there's some1 better for us all around the corner.
Take care babe, and all the best xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Once you have gotten the abusive boyfriend out of your life keep him out. You can't visit sometimes. Keep him out all together. That man is toxic and always will be. He will find a way to worm his way into your life again making your life his. Eventually you will fade away and everything will be him, him, him. Run girl, run while you have two feet and a brain. Run as fast and as far away from him. To all of those women in an abusive relationship take the advice of someone who has been there, get out while you still can. You will never have your own life as long as he is in it. A man like that only lives for one purpose and that is to make you miserable.
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female
reader, dootsy +, writes (27 January 2008):
My daughter is in a similar situation. She is still allowing an old abusive boyfriend to contact her. I have told her that if she even gives him the time of day, she is starting up the old problems again. These men are LOSERS and they interpret everything differently than normal people do. They are rejected by so many women that can see them for what they really are, (grotesque) that when any woman even LOOKS at them, they think "OOOH she likes me!" They also know when they have found a sweet woman that has a hard time saying " get the h__l away from me you creep! But that is the only way to get rid of them. You need to realize that he doesn't really love you, he is desperate for ANY woman to be with him. You deserve better! Tell him to go away, and MEAN it!!! Please if I can't help my daughter, let me help you.
This makes me so sad. BE STRONG. Remember some people are not really human, to be human you have to have compassion for others. If they can't be compassionate to others they deserve NO compassion. Everyone does NOT deserve to be treated fairly, and people should not bother you if you don't want them to. Contact the police and let them make them stay away. Just make sure you stick with it when you do.
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male
reader, Thundermist04167 +, writes (1 January 2008):
It is possible that, at heart, you pity him. This is perfectly normal, just as it would be if you cradled a sick baby.
But! Your boyfriend knows this instinctively! So do not allow your pity to be mistaken for romantic infatuation. Remember what he is! Don't go with an angry man, or you'll learn his ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): i think that you miss the thing that he do to you my sister is going throught now and it hurt to see that you and her love the same kind of men i was in a abusive relationship twice but i thought that it was the way he showed me that he love me but not thinking that he had a problem so know im single and really not looking to be serious with some one maybe that will stop the beating cause now there is a new self-defense law that really has help.
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female
reader, Gifted1  +, writes (6 December 2007):
From a woman to woman, I am in the same situation right now.
I can guarantee my situation is alot worse, not that I am comparing but I wish my problems weren't as big as they are.
We have a 4yr old son together. I broke up with my abusive boyfriend for 2 years thinking he had changed I started seeing him again just as friends and before you know it he had forced his way in and is now living with me, even though there hasn't been alot of physical abuse it is substituted by verbal and emotional abuse which I beleive is 10x worse than physical. Keep moving on, don't go back. I tell myself even if he ends up with another woman he will do to her what he did to me, He may change girlfriends on a regular basis but it won't get far because he remains the same. He hasn't reconized his problems, he blames me for eveything that goes wrong, in his life. I need help getting him out, my answer is stay close very close to your family if you have, seek counselling and DON'T GO BACK PLS. BE STRONG.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): I know how you feel i am going through the same thing maybe a tad worse, im still with him after 7 years, i dont know what to do any more the pain and guilt get worse everyday, unfortunatley i had a short bad realationship before this and all i can say is you did the right thing, DO NOT continue to see him even just as friend, he will eventuly start the stuff all over again and before you know it he will be manipulating to get back together just stay away, let some time go by and trust me the feelings u still have for him will pass i promise, just for proof this guy im still with i have left and finally got away many times and thing is i did the mistake your asking about tring to be friend and now here he is still living with me.... just remember when god closes one door he opens another... stay safe
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): My answer is don't listen to the previous answer! Even if it was true love, if your boyfriend was abusive to you it is better to have loved and lost him. I have just left my husband after 14 years because he was verbally abusive and denied his behaviour blaming me for everything he said. I have finally broken free. I still love him, I feel sick that it is over but I'm not going back because my life was completely not the way I wanted it, and I know I would be unhappy for many more years. Good luck, be happy - your new life is waiting!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): You didn't say one thing about what you might have done to influence this behavior. I do agree that it's his responsibility to fix himself, but thinking negatively about the relationship is only going to negate negative results.
When we're unhappy in our relationships, we do something to try and fix the situation. If we're successful, life goes on. If we're not successful, instead of telling ourselves, "That didn't work, better try something new," we simply keep doing more of the same. Often, because we assume that we weren't emphatic enough, we even step up our efforts, and try it "one more time with feeling." That's when the real trouble begins. His anger IS a bad behavior, but he's only doing it because he loves you. He's not right, but maybe if you understand why he does it then you'll be happier.
Sometimes the very thing you do to solve a problem--the strategy you use or the coping mechanism that comes naturally to you-- is what's actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior.
Everyone in the world engages in "more of the same" behavior. We all do it. I do it. You do it. Your spouse does it. Your neighbors do it. Everyone does it. In fact, I would say that the reason you do what you do to solve problems is because it's the most logical thing to do. You may have done a lot of research and you're convinced it's the "best" thing to do, but just because your plan of attack is logical, doesn't mean it's going to be effective with your partner. So many couples stay entrenched in battle with the same problems because each other is convinced that he or she is right, and therefore, is unwilling to try a new approach. Why can't people just realize that it isn't working?
Do you ever notice that "the same fight" is usually... an actual copy of "the same fight?" One of you makes your argument, the other defends, you do the same, and you're off and running. If you could slow it down, it's like you can almost predict every facial expression your partner will make, every word out of their mouth... it's all the same thing, every single time. You know your spouses lines so well that you could be an understudy for them if they became ill.
All I'm saying is simply... stop worrying about him. Don't give up on the relationship if you have feelings because TRUE love never goes away. Just work on yourself and know that if he truly loves you... he will change.
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female
reader, sweetsandi +, writes (25 May 2007):
I also am in the same situation. Please do yourself a favor and don't live in with this grief. My problem is I make excuses so I do not have to be alone. I go out and try to meet someone and it doesn't happen and I start to think about him. Though in reality it hurts more then it helps. I also have a 11 year old daughter. Now I focus everyday on the wonderful things in my life and stay busy. Oh by the way, a guy like this will probably try to sleep with other women to make himself feel better. So, for me and my daughter sake, I do not want HIV or more aggravation. Take care of yourself, heart, family and friends and find someone who will treat you well 100 percent of the time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): Girlfriend, I am from Malaysia, and I just got out from a 7 month verbal abusive relationship! I feel exactly the same way you do! EXACTLY! and honestly, I think we still feel for the so deeply because we truly loved them, but fail to understand why they are the way they are.I have just realized that we do not need to understand why they are they way they are, they need to find out themselves and start making changes for themselves.It's hard and it leaves you so doubtful of your true gut feeling and your feelings, but TRUST in GOD and ERASE all HAPPY thoughts of this man. Continue to educate yourself by reading up more on the net on Verbal Abusive Relationships. For us, KNOWLEDGE is POWER. I can now read through him like a book and I understand his double words. His sweetness and charm are his power tools for CONTROL! When you fully undestand the way their minds operate you will free yourself from being a victim! RUN for your life! I am going to tonight, when he calls, am not taking anymore calls, you feeling for him SHOWS THAT HE STILL HAS CONTROL OVER YOU!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (27 July 2005):
I dont think it would be a good idea to remain friends with this man, if you do, i believe that he will get back into your life and start controlling you again.
I think it would be best for the two of you to make fresh starts.
This man will never change, especially if he cannot recognise he has a problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): NO...no...no. Get on with your life and never even think about speaking to this man again. If you allow him back in your life..he will eventually park himself on your doorstep and next thing you know..he'll be living with you again. Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul.
Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one. Why do intelligent, warm, wonderful women permit verbal abuse from boyfriends and later from spouses? During the courtship period, everyone is on their best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few and far between. Since women want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse. Chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse. Then the move in together. And the abuse starts...does this sound familiar to you??
Verbal abuse destroys confidence. One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true." Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts. If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.
You were in a verbally abusive relationship, and you found the strength to acknowledge that abuse. This is not an easy thing for some women to do, especially as one's self-esteem is badly weakened. Keep stoic..stay determined to retain that better environment you made for yourself after he left. Don't keep in touch with him, be overjoyed he is OUT of your life. The littlest remotest contact from you..will tell him..he's allowed back & you may not get rid of him again. Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical. Please don't talk to him again. It's time to think of YOU and YOUR needs...ignore your thoughts and get out and do something to take your mind off him. think about getting some counseling. Talk to a professional about your feelings...but in the meantime, go live your life with out him...go live it happily and abuse-free!
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