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female
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anonymous
writes: OK, now this is going to sound stupid but it really does affect me. I am very jealous of all my boyfriend's female friends. I know he wouldn't cheat, but some of them he has got off with and whenever he mentions them it gets to me. To make it worse, when I explain this to him and ask him if he gets the same about my male friends, he's like "no, I don't care if you have male friends". However he used to, coz he hated this one guy and was like, I'll punch him if he comes onto you coz he blatently fancies you. Also for a while now, we been together 6 months... I was wondering if it was normal for things to cool off. My boyfriend always used to tell me he loved me and I was special and txt me all the time etc, you know, that kind of thing and now he never does.He said he doesn't know if he loves me because he's still young and he doesn't know what love is coz he's not had the experience but that he cares, etc.Anyways he's still really sweet when we are together. He tells me I am pretty occasionally but we don't meet as much as we used to etc and this has been going on for a few months. We even broke up for a while before getting bck together the next week. I dunno. He says he's not an emotional person and I just wanted some advice and your thoughts on this. If you need any more info I'd be happy to help!!x x x
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Here's an exercise you can try, to find out why you're so jealous of your boyfriend's exes/friends.
You write that you get jealous when he mentions them to you, so complete this sentence: "I know he wouldn't cheat with them, so I get jealous because..."
Now you fill in the blank. If you're confident he wouldn't cheat, then what are you afraid of? Are you worried that some of them might have been "better" than you? Well, you can rule that out, because he's chosen you over them. Those girls are still around, but he'd rather be with you.
Does it just bother you that he has a sexual history? Well, you're going to have to get used to that too, unless you want to date 12-year-olds all your life!
Or do you really think he might go back to them? If you think that, why? Is it something he's done, or is doing? Or do you worry that you're not good enough somehow?
What it comes down to is that you're projecting your insecurities onto him. He has friends-who-are-girls, and probably always will, but romantically he wants you, so it's time to stop "blaming" him for your worries. You need to accept that his past girls aren't any threat to you. Or admit that they are, and go find someone to date who doesn't really like women as friends. (Though that second option doesn't sound very appealing when you think about it, does it?)
And yes, it's perfectly normal for the gushy, hearts-and-flowers part of a romance to cool off. That's why it's important to have a common bond and shared interests with someone, because in a matter of weeks or months, that heady giddiness which is the chemical attraction, and which you start out with, starts to fade. That's natural and good, because would you really want to live on that rollercoaster of emotion every day, forever?
Longterm relationships tend to transcend the romantic phase, and settle into enduring partnerships, so don't worry when that happens.
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