New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login239815 questions, 1060573 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I feel terrible about my past bad choices, and thinking about what I've done hurts my wife, too!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 January 2006) 5 Answers - (Newest, 7 February 2006)
A male , anonymous writes:

I hope we can get some help here. I am married about 6 months. We are in our fortys and in our second marriages. We are sure we are perfect for each other in all ways.

Our problems stem from my past before marriage about 20 years ago. I lived for the moment and that included having sex when ever it was available. She happened to know me when I was younger and knew some of the people I ran with.

For the purpose of being fair and open we discussed these things. My wife is having a very hard time with my past and it really hurting her. This is hurting me deeply and hate to see her suffer. I wish I could change what I have done but of course can't. If I could have had only one woman in my life I would have chosen her, she if the complete package for me. I only wish I could have been with her from the start. s

She tries to tell me how she feels and wants me to put myself in her place and I try. It gets me sick to think of her that way but as she says it's not what really happened so I can't possibly feel her pain.

How can I help her with these emotions? We spend countless hours dicussing me bad choices. She can't understand how I did some of the things and feels like there is nothing we can share together, that I already have done with someone else. She feels like she is up against my past and that she can't compete with what I have been with.

I assure her this is not true but she feels I tell her this as to not hurt her feelings. Aat times I feel we make progress because she tells me I make her feel like a woman., that I look at her like I am hungry. This is all true but she seems to let the bad thoughts overtake what progress was made.

When she gets a grip everthing is wonderful, but these things can come bad with a vengeance when something triggers a thought. It seems like this happens way too often and it take hours of discussion to get though it. How can I resolve something in her when we can't change the past? Please help. I have never known love like this and I feel so bad she is suffering because of my bad chioces.

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, kakaman United States +, writes (7 February 2006):

I am very glad that you care how your wife feels about your past. I have had the same problem with a partner's sexual past and it can ruin a lot of otherwise happy moments. It's great that she can talk to you about it and that you are sympathizing with her. I agree with some of the other answers in that you should just keep reassuring her of the "specialness" of your present relationship. I think a lot of the problems with sexual pasts is that we feel like there is nothing left for us if our partner has already experienced it all. Kind of like we have missed out on our opportunity to learn things along side our partner. It makes us feel like we were too late. Reassurance would really help.

Being the second or even eleventh is the worst. You are constantly living with the memory of someone else. Just keep telling her how special it is now that you are both together. Thanks for caring though.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (5 February 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntTell her that you had to go through every one of those women to find her. You wish you had found her right away...but you are so thankful that you will never ever have to look again because it was torture for you. Say," Everything I need is right here and believe me your past hurts me too.(I can't stand the thought of you with another man) But I know you did not do those things to hurt someone in the future. Me. I was wild and certian someone had fogotten to put a true love on earth for me. So I raged against all love...and you were right there all along. Now do we move forward...and let my torture end? Or do you send me back to the wolves...because you have mad a horrible mistake?"

It is totally up to her. You can understand, you can explain but you can not erase this for her...she should not expect that. But she needs to hear exactly how unhappy and miserable you were. (yeah I wasn't that bad then) She needs to know that she is the one who has given your heart hope...and she has the power to take it away...but you pray she doesnt. Your world changed and became a brighter place when her heart finally touched yours. (((((Yep its corny and you will have to practice to pull it off.....But, It's what she needs. and if you really mean it anyway....then it's not corny....just sweet))))))

Let us know!

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, mystify +, writes (30 January 2006):

mystify agony aunti am like your wife , everythings fine until one bad thought enters my head then it takes over and we end up disscussing it for hours, i kinda feel a bit depressed reading your story as i have only been going throughthis with my husband for 2 years so i guess i have alot of it to come.

i cant explain why these thoughts take over even when its great its like a constant need for answers and reasurrance,

i think the best advice i can offer you from your wifes point of you is to reasure her , this isnt much help i know but its the only thing that helps me through, i havent tryed it but maybe councelling of some kind might help , im sure she isnt suffering so bad as you say you make her feel loved and like a woman , i really think she is getting so much more from this relationship than you might think, i kinda always feel the need to remind my husband the past hurts me almost as if to remind him that if he ever went that way again it would destroy me ,

maybe bring it up when she is ok and let her know how much it is hurting you and how you feel about it.

sorry i wish there was a hard answer too , ill be reading just incase :0)

<-- Rate this answer


A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006):

My partner of 7 years is in the same situation as yourself. He was honest with me in the begining and I accepted it. Then something happened to cause me terrible jealous feelings such as your wife is experiencing. If her feelings are anything like mine (and they do appear to be) then she is tormented. I can't think clearly about anything else. I sort counseling and I am better than I was but I still have a lot to work on. If you want her to be happy with you she has to realise it is a problem that she has and she will need help with it. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, beenthere +, writes (30 January 2006):

your wife seems to have the problem here. if she already knew about your past then she should either accept it and get over it, or not have married you in the first place. you are right, you can't change your past and no matter what you do, you can't stop her feeling this pain by understanding how she feels. tell her how you feel, that you changed because of her. maybe you were the way you were because you were never completely satisfied. tell her that she satisfies you in every way so you no longer need to be the way you were.

<-- Rate this answer


Add your answer to the question "I feel terrible about my past bad choices, and thinking about what I've done hurts my wife, too!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft