A
female
age
51-59,
*athy38
writes:I am in a miserable situation. I have been married for 10 years and have a 9 year old child. For various reasons, I have grown to resent my husband, he has barely shown me attention sexually for years, hasn't bothered to play much with our son, has just not bothered really in any way, and I just don't love him atall anymore. I told him how I felt a few months ago, and he acted devastated, and said how sorry he was, and wanted to try again, but I just can't. The thought of him touching me makes me sick, I just wish I could leave, but because of our son, it's not easy. We just seem to have nothing in common, and feel like lodgers living together. I feel so guilty for not being able to try again with him, for the sake of our son, but I can't conjure up feelings from nowhere. Any suggestions or insight would be welcome. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AngellicaWaters  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 What concerns me here is that you let this go on for so long without communicating about it. It isn't fair of you to resent your husband if you never told him how you felt or asked him to make more of an effort. I'm not saying his neglect of you and your child is ok either, but I worry for you. Even if you don't want to work it out romantically with your husband, I think should should at least work on rekindling a friendship with him and overcoming the resentment. No only will this help you, but it will help him too. For so long he didn't know what he was doing was neglectful, it would be good for him to have a chance to try to be a better father (first and foremost) and someone you can communicate well and effectively with about your child (if/when you do separate this is important). Being just friends may help you rekindle more with him and it may not, but it will help both of you to be better people when you do move on and that is important.If you can't or don't know what to say in person, try writing letters and read them to each other. Sometimes that can help open the doors of communication. Tell him how you feel, that you just cannot try romantically right now, but you can try to be friends (if you feel that you can). That would be a good place to start. I wish you the best and hope both you and your husband grow to become better communicators and happier, more fulfilled individuals whether together or apart.-Angellica
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 It's not a crime to fall out of love with someone. Your husband took you completely for granted, and you've reacted by finding him repulsive, which is pretty normal. I'd like a dollar for every woman who wishes her husband wouldn't touch her. It's also pretty normal for women to stay in that situation for years and years, letting their life slip by because they're worried about what people will think, or that they'll damage their kids by breaking the family up, especially if they're the one's who have to leave the family home and not take the kids with them.
If you separate now you still have lots of years left to find someone else, your husband will get over it, and so will your son. Do you want to be 48 and still stuck there feeling the same way? Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (26 September 2009):
 There's a great deal of emotional abandonment going on here. First on his part and now on yours.
I think in a situation like this, if you can't muster the emotional energy to try and reconnect with your husband emotionally, staying together for the sake of your child is not going to help.
Children can sense when their parents are unhappy together. And adding to this problem, your husband has emotionally abandoned your child too.
Inasmuch as he says he wants to try, I think from what you've written, you're not persuaded that he's at all that interested.
Having sex for the sake of sex, without any emotional connection is the reason why you don't want him to physically touch you anymore. The two of you have grown aloof and cold to one another. The marriage has become nothing more than a formal status, rather than an emotional relationship.
You could try marriage counseling, but perhaps the best thing the two of you can do is separate and decide how to split up your assets, and decide custody issues for your child.
Then get an amicable divorce.
Once you're free of each other, both of you can pursue relationships with people who can connect with you emotionally and you can try again for love but with different people.
Your son may have issues regarding this, but frankly having him sit in the middle of what amounts to an emotional wasteland isn't working for him either. Its better for him to know his parents both love him, but that they need to be apart now.
There are ways to handle this, rather than spend the next 9 years looking at each other and feeling emotionally empty.
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A
female
reader, Dannii689 +, writes (26 September 2009):
 I have heard of this happening alot, and although i havent been married before, i can come to the conclusion that you two have simplay drifted apart, people do it all the time, and it can be devastating, especially if you have known said person for years. All i can say is it sounds unhealthy, and you're probably best off splitting up but staying friends, especially for your childs sake, maybe you both can find someone to relight a spark, or perhaps the break will be all the both of you need to have a fresh start. I know it sounds difficult, but you both might be better off doing so, then just seeing where the cocurse leads you.
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