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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I feel really sad about my 25 year long marriage.I feel ,my husband has no love for me,but he says he does.I want to know what is your opinion,on this.This are the things ,I feel ,that he does not love me.-he is not affectionate-he has no sexual desire-he never says anything flattering.-he is working all the time-he is not initiates anything togetherAND here are the things he says-I love you you know that....-I don't feel I have to say things to make you feel loved-why would I be with you ,if I don't love you?Yet i feel totally unloved, and thinking of leaving. Because ,we need to feel loved, in a relationship. Right?I feel something is very very wrong with him,and maybe he will walk out ,if I don;t. What do you think?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (8 April 2009):
 Yes, yes this is common. He is happy and comfortable in your relationship. What he hasn't realized is that you are starving. It's not only men who do this some women have tha very same problem. There is probably not something very very wrong with him. His biggest problem is a bit of myopia, or egotism, The inability to see from another persons point of view. It hasn't come to his attention, regardless of the conversations that you have had with him, How much you NEED from him. Counseling or self help is indicated. If you are seriously thinking of leaving this has gotten so far that serious help is needed.
first communication -- Tell him what you need, be specific in amounts and types of attention you want, but leave it open ended enough to allow spontaneity. Don't threaten. He will tell you that he doesn't feel he needs do do these things, expect that. Then tell him this. "I told you that I was hurting and needing these things. When you tell you are not willing to give them to me, I do not feel loved and secure. When I feel loved and secure our relationship will prosper". (I had to have this conversation with my wife about a year ago)
Second the weekend away is a great idea. Don't plan activities don't take movies or books. Don't take his golf clubs, (unless you golf together). You want him to pay attention to you as much of the time as possible. If you think he needs some shock therapy, buy yourself some appropriate lingerie (depending on your level of comfort and his experience with you).
At your age there are also some health issues to look into.
Oh there is more to write, but it would be nice to see how you feel about this much. A 25 year relationship is worth working to save. Hang in there!
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. But, you have to realize, that you have been together for such a long time. He doesn't feel like he has to woo you anymore. Your married, he's got you, why does he have to work for you? Men and women have very different levels and ideas of love and affection. Veeeery different. My boyfriend says the same things to me, so I know how youfeel. You just want him to be so romantic, and buy you flowers and kiss you on a whim. But men do not think about this whatsoeverrrr. They feel that being with you is enough. Maybe he is stressed from working so much. Maybe ask him to take a weekend off, and head out on a trip somewhere. It always works for me. Just head off to a town close by, stay in a hotel, and just focus on each other. Offer to pay if you think that will get him out. It will get you away from your realities and your sadness. I understand how you feel, but you have to realize that this happens in every relationship. The honeymoon phase is far over, and you have both grown and you have to figure out where you stand and if you can still grow together. Just take what he says at face value, trust that he loves you, and maybe hang out with some friends, get into some of your interests. If you back away, and not worry so much about him and become more independant, maybe he will see you in a different light. Maybe he will want to join you on your new interests, and its something you can do together. I wish you the best of luck, and just don't worry too much. You are not alone in this problem, everyone goes through it.
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