A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am at a lost here. The man I have been dating for 8 months died suddenly this past Saturday and yesterday I found out he already had a girlfriend for "a little over a year". His best friend told me, because he was afraid of the drama that may ensued at the funeral. I am grateful for his honesty because I am just devastated by this lost and would have been a mess at the funeral, now I can control my emotions knowing this truth.My question is, why would someone who is so good and kind do something like this? I gave him so many opportunities to let me go by telling him I don't want to see him again and he keeps texting me and I would bend.I know it doesn't matter anymore because he is dead, but am I correct to feel less pain after knowing this or am I just using this excuse to mask my immense heartache. I plan on going to his viewing but not the funeral since I don't know most of the people there. Just comments or advice on how I should look at things. I just feel like I'm drowning in despair, but I shouldn't be?!?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Your feelings are yours to have and experience. Losing a romantic partner is devastating regardless of whether that person also had a girlfriend that you didn't know about.
Pay your respects. If the girlfriend knew about you, try to avoid her if you see her. Whatever you do, do NOT talk about your romantic relationship with this man at the viewing. It will cause drama for people who are mourning especially if they were unaware of the relationship. If anyone asks, say you were close friends. If people start drama, excuse yourself and leave. People in mourning can act irrationally and you unfortunately need to be prepared for this as you will be seen as his 'other woman,' even though you were not aware that he was in a relationship while you were dating.
Do you have any close friends you can talk to?
Maybe you could schedule some sessions with a grief counselir to help you come to terms with this terrible situation.
You have my sincere condolences for your loss.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Hi
Your mourning a stranger in a way,not the man you thought. Your in shock from both his death and the news he wasnt who you thought.
Go with the flow of grief, remember the man as you knew him,a man who cared about you. Dont think about the other girl,not yet.Eventually you will come to accept his death come to terms with the loss.
Then you can deal with the fact he wasnt who you thought. Once you come to terms with that,let it go.Talk to friends, share your grief then your disappointment,dont bottle it up. X
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (20 July 2012):
 PS - the same thing happened to a freind of mine. her BF commited suicide - he told her he had never had children. When she went to the funeral - she found out he had a 12 year old son, and a long term girlfreind. She went to counselling for two years, and is now better than ever, and realised that noe of this is her fault and he has serious issues. You will get through this. x
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (20 July 2012):
I', really sorry this has happened. You have had two shocks. In life he had let you down, and now he is gone. Over time you will be able to process what has happened, but it will not happen overnigt. Go to the funeral if you can, as funerals are closure, and a way of saying goodbye which may be what you need. You can just stay for the service then leave. You will grive for a period, and try to ingest his infidelity, but try as hard as you can to focus on the bright new futre that lasy ahead of you - becaus eit does. Don't let this drag you down for the next few years, go out and meet new people, take up new hobbies, and one day you will feel ok again. Do you have family and freinds who can support you though this? xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Just grieve the loss of the man you love, dont question anything as you will make yourself miserable. There is no point as he is no longer and will also not be able to give you the answers you seek. Just know that he must must have loved you and cared for you and was just caught in a situation that would have hurt someone. Maybe he knew he was dying and decided its not worth hurting anyone considering he had limited time. like i said grieve the loss of a lover and someone who did make you happy. Forgive and forget...
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss.
You lost a man you loved in more than one way. If you have family and friends you can lean on, they will help you. You can mourn, and you need to mourn. Just because he lived a double life doesn't mean that you aren't experiencing loss.
To answer your "someone this good and kind" question, I'm sorry to say that yeah, it can happen. His passing away doesn't make what he did any different. You're just mourning two losses instead of one.
Be good to yourself. let yourself mourn, and then let yourself heal. If you know someone you trust, a friend or loved one, or even someone like a counselor, you can vent that anger with them and they can help you through it.
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