A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm upset at a friend and scared for our friendship. We used to be best friends but lately things haven't been going well at all. Long story short she positively ID bed bugs in her apartment. She asked multiple times if she could stay with me and I had to google them to freak myself out. I completely told her no and that I don't want her coming over at all with them. Maybe that was a mean thing to say to her but I don't want any part of that. I've had multiple inspections to check my place since she told me she had them. Over the past couple of weeks she said it was taken care of and she came over. While she was over she let it slip that she still had them and that her complex wasn't taking care of the problem. I freaked on her and told her to leave. I can meet her at the bar or some where else I just don't want her over at my place. She also used to have a key to my place. That is until tonight. Last week she asked if she could use my vacuum cleaner and I told her I preferred that she didn't use it. Today she sneaked over grabbed it and returned after I got back from work. I'm completely paranoid that I'm going to get them from her and she isn't respecting my boundaries. Now doubly paranoid and pissed that shes been coming over multiple times. It makes me feel sick. I have expressed this to her. She just keeps these things that are costing me my peace of mind. Maybe its fine to have her over but from what I've read its racking my brain. Im not in a relationship with her. We have been close but the last month has been hell for me. I understand shes going through a rough patch and it feels like I'm being a bad friend but shes not respecting my wishes.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2020):
 Whaat ? She is being a bad friend, - she is being a bad person. Imagine that, you tell her you'd prefer her not to use your vacuum cleaner ( well, your mistake may have been that, she could pretend that your " prefer " was not just a polite figure of speech, but actually left her an option whether to take the vacuum or not. Next time, with anybody, if you don't want to lend or give your stuff, be more assertive, and simply say " No, I won't lent you or give you my X thing " ), and she has the nerve to sneak in when you aren't there, take the vacuum and put it back hoping you won't notice…. I can't think of anything more underhanded , inappropriate and disrespectful. You can't even call " friend " a person like that, she is just too rude and selfish. Personally, I'd just end my relationship with her, regardless of the bedbugs situation, if it is being taken care properly or not , if there's an actual danger of her bedbugs infesting your house etc. That's not the point, it may also be ( I don't know, I have no experience of bedbugs ) that you are being a bit OCD about it, that you are fretting too much, but that's just not the point. Even if you tell your friends that they can't borrow your vacuum cleaner because you are afraid that it may suck -in … the vampires or the ghosts living in their houses…. well, that's obviously not going to happen, yet the vacuum still belongs to you, and your permission counts, it's not something they can so casually dispose of, if they have a shard of respect for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): Typo correction:
"I can barely feel comfortable in five-star hotels, after seeing a news clip of how they sometimes don't change their sheets!"
I keep my clothing in plastic space-bags and sit my luggage up on the desk, a table, on the shower floor, or anywhere high off the floor! I don't lean my belongings against the walls, or use their chest of drawers. I took the advice given by the reporter! Your friend will have to meet you away from your house. If she won't understand why, and you're too timid to set your boundaries; at least get the name of the pest control service they used at her complex! They'll tell you the truth, if she won't!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): You got your key back, but she could still have made copies. Change the locks!
I don't think your friend is respectful or considerate; to go behind your back and use your vacuum cleaner after you refused to allow her to. Knowing that bedbug infestations are very difficult to rid yourself of; and she lied to you that it was over.
I really have a thing about cleanliness, neatness, and health-precautions. The same kind of person would infect you with an infectious disease; because they're too selfish to see past their own needs. I can barely feel comfortable in five-start hotels, after seeing a news clip of how they sometimes don't change their sheets!
As far as I know, the most common compounds used to kill bedbugs are pyrethrins and pyrethroids. I am sure there are a number of others; but I also know that they are very difficult to get rid of; and sometimes you have to retreat again and again.
Diatomaceous earth is made from the fossilized sediment of algae. It is full of silica. I've known it to be used medically for high cholesterol, and constipation, and it's one of the ingredients in toothpaste. I've heard it is used as an insecticide; but I'm not really sure how effective it is for a full-fledged bedbug infestation. I've seen it at garden shops and home supply stores. I'd call a pest control professional, I wouldn't trust trying to handle that kind of infestation myself. Either discard your vacuum cleaner, or give it to her. I wouldn't keep it. Just replace as a precaution.
If you live in a complex with adjacent buildings; they will likely travel to other neighbor's apartments or units through the walls. They multiply extremely fast; and unless people stay on top of it, they will only re-infest. It's a costly process to eradicate them; and often times, professionals take advantage of customers by diluting their chemical treatments. The infestation could develop a tolerance to the pesticide as a result.
If you can't trust a friend, they are no longer a friend. Family-members may getaway with despicable things, because they're blood-related. You make extreme allowances for your kids and spouse; because, they too are bonded for life. Friends do not get that kind of latitude; unless they'd give their life for you!
If they would subject you to harm or loss, they've got to go! Have your home checked, or you may already have an infestation in the making. You have to catch them early. The thing is, you don't know you have them; until they bite you. By then, they could have laid thousands of eggs. Then out goes the carpeting, clothing, mattress, your bedding, your bedroom furniture, and possibly your couch. Are you really going to take her word that it's all over? Tell you what...I wouldn't! Now you know, she wouldn't care if you did get an infestation. Some friend!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): OP, this woman is the one being a bad friend. She does not respect boundries. If she violated your apartment with her key, and took your vac to use in her bedbug infested home, then assume that she has already duplicated your apartment key! Ask your landlord to change your lock. Even if you must pay to have it changed, it will buy your peace of mind. Bedbugs are know to be hitch hikers but they are not just fully grown visible bugs. They are also nymphs, which go thru various stages of growth, and are nearly invisible and clear, in the beginning. Each live adult bug that are in an infested space, will mean that there are thousands of nymphs growing up, that infest clothes, carpets, shoes, curtains and drapes, furniture, matress and boxed springs, plus auto uphostry. Everything must be treated by a professional exterminator! I would not meet her, or hug her, ride with her, until her home is treated! Bedbugs are difficult to get rid of and costly too, but professional help is need. I hope that I helped you OP!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 February 2020):
 I hope you got your key back. No more letting her come and go. When she can't RESPECT a no (to borrowing your vacuum) what other boundaries isn't she respecting?
Bed bugs CAN survive being vacuumed up. They will NOT stay in the vacuum cleaner and that is how it CAN spread if she did indeed vacuum any up, SO take your vacuum outside, clean out the bag or filter ASAP (unless she did that before returning it, if she did you are probably OK there).
They are hardy little buggers. I had a friend (back in college) who went to a rather posh hotel for an event, stayed the night and apparently brought home bedbugs. Yes, EWW. She had people out fumigating her place 3 times. She cleaned like a crazy person but it took a good while before she got totally rid of them.
I don't blame you for being freaked out. Stuff like that would freak me out too. TOTALLY. Like lice. My youngest got lice and it was a nightmare for me. A lot of cleaning, that nasty cream in her VERY long hair and combing it through several times for a couple of weeks... and guess what? She got lice a second time because the kid who initially gave most of the rest of the class lice.... the mom didn't see the big deal. She didn't treat him. The school policy is that you can't send them home either, as it might hurt someone's feelings. It's ridiculous! I'm not thinking their house is dirty or they are dirty but GET RID of the lice! and don't send your kid to school if his whole head is crawling with itty bitty critters!
Our cats have had fleas and THAT creeps me out too. I would NEVER ask someone to come to my house and spend time, if the cats had fleas. Especially if they have pets themselves. It's just common sense.
Just be honest with her. Tell her - bed bugs creep me out and just the idea of potentially ending up with them is just not something you want.
You are under NO obligation to let her stay with you either.
Everyone have their boundaries and limits, with friends, family and loved ones. I can tell you this, I wouldn't be jumping for joy if a family member or friend asked the same of me. I really wouldn't WANT to chance it.
Right now (until May) my husband have a side job every weekend and 2 times a month out of those weekends he stays in hotels (as they are 5+ hours away) and I have TOLD him to CHECK for bedbugs. And he does. Because he knows how much it creeps me out. We recently had a weekend trip with all the kids and that FIRST thing I did was check the beds at the hotel.
You aren't CALLING her dirty or nasty because of the bugs. Those aren't her fault, but you just DON'T want to chance getting them at your place. Which makes perfect sense (to me, at least).
I'm OCD, I truly DO obsess over things. And this... would definitely NOT be good for me. I think perhaps you are a little on the OCD too? My advice is this, BE honest with her. And perhaps, BE OK with telling people no.
Don't say to someone - I prefer you don't. Say NO you can not use my vacuum. That way there can be NO doubt as to what you meant.
I'd get my key back asap, and take a little time from this person. She IS not respecting you or your wishes.
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