A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Oh Dear Cupid...What can I say...I feel so lost at this point in my life right now. I feel that I'm having some sort of mini crisis and my brain is going crazy all over the place whilst I try to figure the answers out. It's causing me a'lot of stress and I can't concentrate properly and I have no idea where to turn at this time of confusion.My situation is I'm 28 years of age, I'm a single parent to a 4 year old. I've been doing key skills at college since the age of 22, but haven't done anything for a while due to the constrictions of my child's nursery times. However I have been teaching myself the maths and English at home since being unable to attend to college.I got accepted onto a pre-access course for this September coming but wanted to postpone due to some personal issues I have to attend to this year.All would have been great but anything below a level 3 qualification would mean that I'm not eligible for a student loan and without a student loan I wouldn't be able to fund the course or keep my home.I could do an access course which would be at a level 3 education but the problem is I'm not quite their yet. I struggle with level maths, so I decided I'm going back to college in September just to do maths to get the additional help for my self studies.Realisticly I've worked my way up to a level 1 maths, so that would be the level of education I would be taught and I would get a certificate at that grade at the end of the functional skills cause.So to get onto an access course if the pre access couldn't be funded then I would be looking on waiting two/three years just to get to that stage in my education.I really want to study Psychology and go to university to gain a high level of education to get a good career of some sort.This has been my dream since the age of 22 when I use to work in a shop and didn't enjoy it as I felt I wasn't pursuing a passion and it didn't add much meaning or value to my life.So now I'm totally in a confused and messed up place in my mind. Honestly I feel like I'm undergoing some crisis and my mind is totally confused. Totally confused because I gave myself the messages that improving the quality of my life through career choice was a must and I have to do everything in my power to get a good job. In short it's as if this has become a part of my psychological identify because it's been a part of my thoughts for 6+ years and more to the point I have put my whole heart and soul into this with every ounce of passion and energy that I have.The thought of the lack of funding for the pre-access has seemed to triggered certain emotions and I feel panicked and confused.Now I'm thinking, is it too late to follow my dreams. I'm 28 years in age and by time I finished with university and as much as I can then I could be 40 plus.If I invest that much of my time into a career and a good education then my reproductive years will be over for the most part. I'm a single parent now and have few family members left in my life. This hurts sometimes so how would it feel getting into older age without a family of my own because I feel that I'm at a crucial turning point now and that I can't afford to make any more mistakes.I can either give up on my dreams of becoming miss psychology and studying a passion plus finding a job at the end of it all, or I can give up a part of that identity that has been with me for so long and just get a normal job and create my own family within the next five years or so.I genuinely don't know what to do and the more I try to figure out the more confusion it leads to inside.I'm due for Cognitive Behavior Therapy this June coming and I'm seeing a psychic tomorrow which I'm skeptical about, so I feel like what am I meant to do.Plus I'd like to add that the older a woman gets the more her market value decreases in the dating world.I'm still single through my own choice and don't feel ready to meet others yet but I feel pressured that I have to make my choices soon because I always procrastinated too much of my time which hasn't helped because now I'm here asking for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWaw, thankyou so much for the two new lovely responses. I'm flawed, that had such an emotional impact on me and has restored my faith in life.Now at the age of 28, I'm thinking more about the aging process and later life. I'm into my fitness training, starting an 80% raw lifestyle, I don't drink hardly ever and I haven't smoked for well over two years. I'll definitely be taking care of myself and switching to home made beauty products.Thankyou, I can genuinely stop putting so much pressure on myself knowing that I can still study and meet someone and even have more children perhaps.I'm going to take it in my stride and see what each new day shall bring with an idea in mind that can be open to change; nothing is set in stone yet.To the lady who went through all those life experiences of being in debt, being an emotional eater, your daughter having setbacks and then to achieve what you have, thats amazing, your a true inspiration and really special.Thankyou once again to the people who took the time to write and shared thoughts. This has been emotional and inspirational for me to read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): As a single parent I had my child at the age of 25, prior to this I had a degree in Finance. I worked for 10 years in Accounting. At 30 I became a single parent, lost my job and my child diagnosed with MS. I then decide to change my life and do it all alone. Life took a severe turn. I sold my home (made a loss), got in debt, ended up on benefits and had no idea how I was going to raise my daughter with MS and had no idea how to deal with her alone. My mind-set at the time was how was I going to get out of this mess on my own and build my way up from nothing. At the time I felt like I had no chance of being marketable as single women, who would want me with a child with a MS, debt, obese (emotional eater) and unemployed. I had counselling, it taught me to be patient and built my confidence. I lost my pride but kept my dignity. I am now 35. I gained a second degree and due to finish my masters this year. I lost 6 stone, and cleared 15K of debt whilst on benefits. My daughter is doing well academically and has the best support at school and clubs. I am now working part time. Once I finished my masters I plan to work full time, as my daughter is now 10 and due to start secondary school. The last 5 years have been very difficult, but I learnt a lot about myself and now debt free, psychologically and physically well I feel I can enjoy the rewards. The doubts I had at the start are no longer the case now. I experience a lot of ignorance from people, but I was able to use their ignorance to my advantage to achieve what I wanted. I received ignorance being a single parent on benefits. My living standard was basis. I got help from council associations, charities referred by the job centre, to help me look for voluntary work, whilst on benefits to build my work experience. I didn't want to work in a job that was not relevant to my chosen career, just because it would have been practical. I met amazing people that gave me skills for my current job. I joined the gym, which helped to shed the weight, but there is a great social side to the Gym especially exercise class such as spinning and body pump. Even the school gates incurred ignorance, but my goals kept me focus and felt it was all temporary. Its all about time management, I was always running off to collect my daughter from school as After school club was my only support. I would have to leave friends in Pubs, so that I could catch the train just in time, sometimes seminars would finish late in the evening, I would then have to depend on friends to email any notes that I would miss. Having people around me who understood my situation and that were willing to help was vital. I would meet friends for lunch rather that in the evening or invite friends to my home once my daughter was in bed. Parties and nights out were planned way in advanced, so that I could arrange for a baby sitter. Life was different compared to my peers but I was still part of it. As for men, I learnt over that period of time the type of man I was looking for, which I came through trial and error. I met many great men whilst volunteering found likeminded people of similar ages. I met amazing men/friends at University, many 10, 8 years younger, even older its the environment that makes age not an issue. I met great guys at the swimming club my daughter attends every week. When I first became single I tried online dating but only seemed to attract men who used my low self esteem for sex, but soon realised this was not working for me. One guy told me that I wouldn't find a guy who was willing to take on my baggage and the fact that I was planning to study for a long time. I learnt he was not the right person for me and he only wanted to string me along for sex alone. For me FWB worked for me, as it was less responsibility and easier to manage, but required a lot of self discipline, to not get too attached and keep reminding myself its only to get an itch scratched so that I could get back to my studies and looking after my daughter. But at the same time I still kept an eye out for any potential suitors that I was willing to date. Five years ago I was convinced that I was not going to have anymore children, but now at 35 my outlook has changed. I met my current partner through my daughters computer class and hope to get married and have more children. My partner likes the qualities that I gained over the past 5 years. Things did not work out to how I planned my like to be as a little girl, but I wouldn't change anything for the world now. At 35 many of my school friends have children, but many are also having their first second, third child now. You are fortunate to have a 4 year old already. My close friend reached early menopause and always tells me I am lucky to at least have one child. I am not saying that your life would be anything like mine, but I hope that you can understand how things could work out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Hi there,
i am so elated/happy that you have benefited from reading our responses & i hope you have found some comfort.
I am happy to let you know that i found studying so much easier when i was much older to be honest.
Why?? Simply because when you are older & your child/children are older, it is so much easier to study, as you have more spare time on your hands, which is very helpful overall & you don't have the extra stress of juggling everything & needing to find babysitters etc;
You also have more time to focus on you & put all your efforts into your future career.
I am not saying that you cannot be a good mother, work + study & get through it, because many people do, however, you will definitely need a good support network, to help you get through it in this way, if you chose to do it this way.
I became a nurse when i was in my 20s, but that was only because i had the full support i needed from both my parents & without them both, i will admit, i would not have been able to achieve my goals.
As you have mentioned that you don't have too much support, then it will be harder for you to attain the full degree of balance that you seek.
The other advantage of doing mature age studies, is that you will truly enjoy it!! Believe me when i say this!
You will meet new people from all walks of life, different races, ages, life experiences & when you collate all of this, you have a truly interesting & life changing collage!
You can all help eachother & you will actually gain so much knowledge, from those who are older than yourself.
Yes, i have found love again, but it was outside of Uni & it didn't happen to me long term when i was your age, because we were still young & quite immature, where a lifelong commitment was concerned, so i had to wait until i was in my late 30s to find Mr Right, but yes, it did happen & he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than having my wonderful & only son to my first husband & i am happy to say, that in my late 30s, i gave birth to a healthy & beautiful baby boy again.
Funnily enough, i was worried about a later pregnancy in my life, but this pregnancy was actually much easier than when i was only 21.
I believe it was because i was much better prepared for this pregnancy & i was so much more relaxed, because i had a man who truly loved me by my side, every step of the way, whereas @ 21, i was alone much of the time & i was quite worried/stressed.
It is never too late to do anything, to achieve anything in your life.
Do you know what is most important? It is your mindset & where your headspace is at.
If you believe fully in yourself, no matter what your age, then you will emit that positive aura/energy to all around you & they will be drawn to you.
This then means, that no matter how old you are @ any life stage, you will still be able to attract a long term partner.
Looks & physical appearance alone, are not going to win anybody a mate, it has even more to do with a deeper soul connection, as we get older, but as you are still young, i would not expect you to fully comprehend this point.
All of these realisations, can only come with age.
So long as you take good care of yourself, you keep drinking & smoking to an absolute minimum, if you enjoy both & you keep away from hard drugs, then your body will repay you 10 fold, as you age.
Remember, our bodies are our sacred temples, so we must look after them, as we only have 1.
I am in better shape now, than i have ever been.
I still cycle 40kms, every 2 to 3 days, when i am free & my blood pressure is the same as it was when i was 25!
When i meet people who are half my age, they are shocked when i tell them how old i am & i am blessed to have a man in my life, who compliments me fully & makes me feel even better about myself.
He never stops telling me how beautiful i am, both inside & out, how intelligent i am, how happy i am & the list goes on.
This is what you must seek, somebody who compliments you, as a young woman & do not settle for anything less.
Do not enter into any relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship.
I would advise you to sit down & write all of your fears & concerns on paper, perhaps you could even write all the pros & cons regarding your parenting, your studies, your work & life in general, then you can outweigh everything & make a few concrete decisions about your future goals & life plans.
As you are still young & would also love to have more children some day, this is also something to think about.
Be brutally honest with yourself here.
Ask yourself, do i wish to study in depth now & sacrifice having a mate & any more children for the next 5 to 8 yrs, or would i prefer to delay my studies, in the hope of finding a decent guy who i am attracted to & feel a deep connection with & have more children, while i still can?
As i mentioned in my previous msg sent, so long as you are still fertile & healthy, there is NO reason why you cannot bear more children, even later in your life, but that is a very personal decision/choice & it is not for me to tell you when you should have more children of course.
Society places much pressure on child bearing ages, but i have read so many recent reports about older parents & older parents actually make better parents according to the experts, simply because they have lots of life experiences, they have much more patience, they often have more money, they have more wisdom, knowledge, so overall they will make better parents, especially if they've already parented before.
They have already been there, done that, so they are better equipped to re-parent, if that makes sense.
I look @ it this way, if you can still get pregnant, even @ a more advanced age, then again, it was meant to be, if it was not meant to be, you would not be able to conceive, it's that simple.
Try to look @ life through a simple lens, rather than through a complex lens.
Overall, yes, you can study more easily @ a later age & you will still be able to meet that special someone & if you met him @ Uni, well that would be a real bonus, because you'd both share much common ground, which is a real good foundation to begin a new relationship with.
Once again, i hope my advice has assisted you to some degree & good luck with everything!
Please keep me posted. :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to the two people who took the time to write and reply to my question, I'm so happy for the feedback :)I think it's safe to say that I'm putting too much pressure onto myself to it in a box of I should do such and such by a certain age.I guess that I'm worrying that I can only pick having a family or career, so I felt so confused that if I followed a die-hard career path then my fertility years would be over and I'd grow to be lonely and old on my own.Women get less fertile with age and from what I've read over the last 7 years they have less market value with age. Saying that if a man is ONLY interested in a women for her youth by itself then maybe he wouldn't have much staying power for something more.I've decided that I can still meet people and maybe I'm being too restrictive in my thinking to believe that their wouldn't be enough time to have a family and career.If needs be any further education I do can be put on hold. So I will still aim for education but I won't sacrifice having a family for higher education. And the reader is right, what's meant to be will be.Yes, I guess the media can be harsh on women with age factors but if someone takes care of themselves then I guess they can look good at many ages of their life.That would make sense also that an emotionally mature man would opt for someone of the same level of understanding for a life mate. Having fun with someone and being serious are two different things in a mans mind.No more pressure now, I will take each day as it comes and know that age is just a number, people go through different life events at many points in their life and to have faith as someone has chosen a path I'd like to follow in the same situation of being a single parent.Luckily I'm on good terns with my daughters dad.I would just like to ask though if the lady can read this, how did going to university affect your family life when you started at a later age?Did you have any more children or find a life partner if you went to university? Such as did you find the time to do both or did you put all your heart, energy and soul into the university path and if so how does that affect your everyday life in terms of relationships?
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female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (5 May 2014):
I would encourage you to place your faith in yourself & if you have religious faith, then in God & live your life, one day @ a time & don't keep putting so much pressure on yourself to have to be something, by a certain age.
If something is meant to be, it will be!
You are serious about furthering your education, so that is what is most important & if you apply yourself, even if it takes many years, that is simply ok.
Seeing a psychic may be even worse, bec if he/she is wrong, then you will be taking on even more worries.
Not all psychics are sincere, nor experienced.
They may even say something that you didn't wish to hear & you may really begin to worry about your future then.
You could consider studying, whilst still being a good mum & perhaps getting parental support through the college that you're studying at?
Discuss all the funding issues with somebody @ your college & re-write everything on paper, then sit down & make a few concrete decisions, even if you have to sleep on it for a while.
You need to take a deep breathe & stop worrying about everything, as hard as that is to do.
You are clearly panicking over things that you cannot always control.
You are only 28 & belv me, you have plenty of time to sort your studies & yr life out.
I have numerous gfs, including myself, who are all mid 30s & mid 40s, we all got married young, got divorced, some have re-married & because we all had to raise our children, we had to postpone our future careers for the most part, hence doing mature age studies now.
Btw, i noticed you referred to age, 40+ to be specific & the first response you got, also had 40+ mentioned, as being "old".
Firstly, may i say, age is just a number, esp in this day & age, truly! We need to educate all young people regarding this.
The new 40, is actually 30 now!
Everybody starts off young & as long as we're all alive, we will all grow older, this is a natural part of life, but age alone, should not be of any significance where study is concerned.
I am a fully qualified counsellor & most of the students in my class, were all over 40 & they were all very wise, knowledgable & we younger ones, learnt so v much from all of the older students & many didn't even look their age!
They looked so young & yes, they were young @ heart & they had goals/ambition, which is truly attractive.
Stereotyping people because of their ages, is simply ignorant & actually, within the branches of counselling & psychology, i know from direct experience, within my classes & from job interviews, they do not want younger people for the most part, bec most experts will tell you that an older person, has much more life skills, knowledge, guidance, wisdom & all of these factors, come with maturity alone, you cannot buy it or cheat your way through that.
Also, i am in my late 30s & i was ,married when i was much younger, but i am always told by younger people, that i look half my age & i have been in numerous long term unions since i divorced & now @ almost 40, i am getting married again & my fiance told me, he loves me because i am intelligent, mature & because i am look amazing @ my age, so it is never too late for anybody & certainly not for any woman.
If only we women could all believe in ourselves & stop putting ourselves down, simply because of our ages, this is not fair to older women.
We don't put older men down for the most part, do we??
Check out most dating sites these days & you will clearly see that many men, actually prefer to date older women, for a variety of reasons, they do not just wish to be with younger women.
I know this to be very true, because that is where most of my friends & i met our future husbands.
So if you happen to continue studying for many years, you will still have an absolute best shot @ meeting Mr Right!
It may not have happened for many of us women, when we were young, but it often happens, when we're much older.
All the best & good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I have been in a similar situation to you. I too am a single parent who is coming to the end of my studies. I too chose to study psychology and felt exactly the same way as you. I felt by the time I qualified I would be in my 40's (really old lol!) I found it frustrating to see young psychologists on the TV and felt that it was too late for me. But I did it, once I entered into study I was surprised to learn that most students were mature students and the best thing about the profession is that it is a life long job, where the older you are the better respected you are. Like yourself I had to go through therapy and this shaped my learning and understanding of psychology. Your life lessons will help you along the way and make it easier to comprehend in comparison to the younger students who have not learn much in life. My biggest challenge was wanting it all very quickly. As a single parent I found it frustrating that single students had the time to revise the day before an exam, they would have all the time in the world to socialise and study, which I never had. I did not have much support, and found childcare an issue. As result it meant having to delay my studies, by studying part time thou this was the only way I could manage it all, as it allowed me to be flexible. Yes I was jealous of all the students that I studied with as they would graduate years before, but to date some are not working, so I didn't miss out. I would advise to not to compare yourself to others along the way as it may distract you from reaching your goal. Studying psychology has opened the door to interesting and understanding people along the way. In the UK you become part of a psychology family where you are aware of events as part of the profession. I am sure you would come across a potential partner along the way. It will be a lot of organising and frustration at least you would not resent yourself for not doing it sooner if you start now. Allow yourself to mess up, I have had to resit exams, but at least I am heading in the right direction. Imagine you position as a fully qualified psychologist and most of your clients would be benefiting from your knowledge and life experiences. And people would respect you for your perseverance and accumulated knowledge to help them. Good Luck!
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