A
female
age
41-50,
*olow
writes:Hello. Im hoping somebody can help me get some answers to whats wrong with me at the moment.I am 37 years old and feel like im going mad. I shall start at the begining.When I was 6 months old, my biological mother left me out in the rain over night. My nan found me the next day, but my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She took my brother and I never saw her again. My biological father had his own life and didnt need a 6 month old baby getting in the way of that. So my nan brought me up. When I was 15 years old, she got told she had cancer. I looked after all her needs until she passed away just before my 16th birthday. Again my father couldnt be bothered with a teenager, so he got a female friend of his to look after me. Soon I felt happy with my new family. I joined the Army and they would come and see me and I would spend all my leave with them. I even started calling them Mum and Dad. At 35 I had an accident, which cost me my job in the Army, so I moved back home with Mum and Dad. They got me through my low points and all the operations I needed. I had lost the use of my right hand, so mum helped me with the silly things I suddenly couldnt do. Not long after this, my Dad took ill, and was told he had cancer. 7 weeks later he died. My Mum was devastated, as was I. But slowly we came to honour his memory. About 6 months ago she met a guy who had had a stoke, and they began texting. She said it was to keep him active. I was okay with that. Then she started going to see him once or twice a week, depending on her shifts. Then she started saying it was too loud here for her to sleep on night shift as we live by a main road. So she would stay there sometimes a week at a time. I would get a quick phone call once a day to see if everything was okay with her mum. As she lives here too. then she would bring him round after her night shifts for dinner, take him back and stay there. She now stays here once or twice a week. When she is here, she is on the phone for hours to him, or playing scrabble while I just sit there almost talking to my self. I have tried to tell her how I feel, and she says I have Abandonment issues, and that she has been failing as a mum to help me. So I agreed to try and be less withdrawn and get to know this guy. And she said she would spend some have more us time. But, she is still away, still spending hours on the phone and its getting worse. I dont go out because my Nan (her mum) needs a lot of help. I do all the housework and cooking, so mum dosnt have too as she works hard. I just feel like I have lost her now as well, and Im just here to be a house elf. What is going wrong with me? I feel so low and sick, that I get upset at everything. Can anybody help?
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female
reader, solow +, writes (28 October 2010):
solow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Fishdish, I try to forget about my disability, All fingers on my right hand are fused so they dont bend. Even using a knife and fork not only causes mega pain, it is very hard to do. I had to have my hair cut short as I could not use hair straightners. I was a musician in the Army, so loosing the use of a hand was a major blow. I have had boyfriends, but again they leave me, as I need help doing the everyday things we take for granted. Try opening a tin or a jar with straight fingers. I trust my mum not to take the mic out of me for not dropping things or forgetting about my hand and go to do something, which a lot of people have done in the past. I love my mum very much, and I am not upset with her for wanting a life. But when its 24/7 about this guy, it kind of grinds you down. I mentioned i had spoken to her about my depressed state, and the answer I got back was .....suffers from depressed moments and she needs to be there for him. It kind of hurts. But its her life, and I want her to be happy, even if that means im like this. Can people understand that?
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 you've been through so much, your story really tugs on the heartstrings, but I have a couple of thoughts. First, if you've had a boyfriend, or have had a girl friend who has, there's a decent puppylove stage where you just want to spend every consuming hour with that person. As you get to know the person usually that dies down. Try not to take it personally, let her have a little fun before trying to remind her that you need her. Also, if your status is correct, you're in your late thirties, at least. At this point, despite your rough childhood, you should be thinking about becoming independent and moving out. that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with your family, it just means that by creating your own home you won't feel left alone in it because you know it's just you relying on you. Is your injury so severe that you can't live on your own? Are there surgery or prosthetic options? Your physical dependency has exacerbated the emotional dependency you have on your mother, but you need more than that. I would consider going to counseling, getting connected with others through activities so that you can create a support system that goes beyond a love-crazy woman and a quickly-aging woman. Hope something helps in here.
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A
female
reader, solow +, writes (28 October 2010):
solow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers to my problem. I had planned to make her favorite dinner tonight, and sit and have a chat with her. But 5 mins ago I got a text saying she was off to his after work. Oh well!! I need to have the courage to get myself talking to someone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): You need to get out and make some friends. You are lucky that you have Nan, she has a heart of gold, but she can't be the center of your world. She will die one day and you will be devastated. Try to get some consoling; try to build a life for yourself and share the joy that Nan has since meeting a new man
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A
female
reader, kbdd +, writes (28 October 2010):
 You have been through such a struggle. And I dont know you but im very proud. She is right you do have abandonment issues but she should be there for you, not only as your guardian but like you mum. SHe took the responsibility to be there for you and raise you as her own so she needs to take responsibility. But, on the other hand you have to know where she was coming from or is..she lost her husband and it may seem a while to you but that was the love of her life. SHe cant always turn to you for that feeling of replacement but she can to him. She needs to let go, and some people never do that, but dont give up hope. She still cares, just plan something with here every now and then to get her mind off of him and everything all together.Please dont feel down about this you are doing nothing wrong, you are a great person and deserve a better lifestyle a better future. what type of stuff do you get angry about? IF it is just everything that concerns her there needs to be something done with you both. I would recommend family counseling it sounds crazy but helps out a lot. Or just simply write her a note, remind her what you have been through. How you were there before her. Its normal for you to turn your attention towards her. But get out some, enjoy time with friends. None of this was your choice, your just strong enough to handle it. SO i wish you the best with everything!
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