A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are constantly coming up against obstacles in our path to engagement and marriage.I am frustrated to the point where I want to give up on the relationship and rather start over.We're LDR, he has to take a pay cut so I can't leave my job to go and live with him because he can't afford it, I have to support him. He can't afford a place to stay so has to live off the charity of others like staying in a cousin's spare room because he pays so much maintenance, business does not pick up for the company as he'd hoped (and keeps telling me) so he's still practically down and out.This is the second year we've postponed the engagement. He can't afford a ring or to contribute towards the wedding.He keeps saying it will get better but it doesn't and it seems to me he's in denial. Instead of taking on a second job or looking for a new one (seriously, not in a vague halfhearted manner, the way he has done until now) he just says I must be patient and work towards a common goal with him. Well I have got some additional part time work now as well as my regular job and I'm working 6 days a week.He is still doing what he has been doing for 2 years and getting nowhere fast.He has dreams about owning some land and organic farming and he says he cannot do it without me it must be a joint effort but he's not exactly breaking his back working towards it.It feels as if I am trying harder than him and though he talks big that's all it will ever be - talk.We were quite happy together before all the problems started so am I being unfair to him under the circumstances and it should be 'for better or worse'?Or have the circumstances brought aspects of him to light that I was not aware of before and which don't appeal to me and I feel let down and disappointed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): There are alot of people struggling with hours/pay being cut and trying to find a new or even a second job is no easy task nowadays.Theres over a 100 applicants chasing each position usually.Its soul destroying for them when they can't pay their way,afford rent etc.I know people in that situation, through no fault of their own.However I don't see why he has to pay a vast amount of maintenance when he has so little money?
You have 2 jobs, for now, your lucky.If you don't feel like your getting what you want from this relationship, then end it.If he doesn't make you feel secure or like he's really committed enough for you then your resentment will only grow. I don't get why your worrying about a ring..theres way more important stuff going on here
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 You are NOT babies…. You are LDR… how far are you apart? How long are you together… how often do you see each other?
“he has to take a pay cut” “he can’t afford it” “I have to support him” “he can’t afford a place to stay so he has to live off the charity of others”
“He can’t afford a ring….” Honey the RING is the least of your worries… a ring does not an engagement make. BUT the inability of an ADULT to support themselves is crucial. If his current job is not making enough money why is he not taking a second job… because he’s being passive aggressive… he’s saying he wants one thing but he’s acting totally like he does not want it… ACTIONS speak louder than words.
Two years of problems is a long time… if you are doing all the work and it’s not moving forward then perhaps you need to reconsider that this is not a good match.
I just finished an LDR… we were LDR for one year… two hours by car and we both worked hard to get us together full time in one location. He actually lost his job because he moved… so right now we are on one salary but he is looking for a new job and that’s the key… the ACTIONS that show the partner is committed to the relationship are critical to making a choice to stay or go.
If he’s not rowing the relationship boat then there is no point in doing all the work yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Erm.
Sweetie.
I read this and hear SCAMMER. He uses people so he doesn't have to work or get a second job. He uses words to keep you strung along so you can keep supporting his ass.
LDR means he can have others on the go. Its what scammers do.
HIS WORDS ARE BULLCRAP so focus on his actions- oh he hasn't done d*ck to show you he means what he says and he will keep his promises to you.
He is USING your integrity and love against you to get what he wants- money.
DUMP HIM. Seek counselling or a support group to cope and heal.
Then move on and avoid LDRs in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): "It feels as if I am trying harder than him and though he talks big that's all it will ever be - talk."
You are correct. You want to be married. he just wants to sleep with you without commitment or obligation while you pay for everything.
"We were quite happy together before all the problems started so am I being unfair to him under the circumstances and it should be 'for better or worse'?"
No he's being unfair to you. You want to be married. he just wants to sleep with you without commitment or obligation while you pay for everything.
"Or have the circumstances brought aspects of him to light that I was not aware of before and which don't appeal to me and I feel let down and disappointed?"
You are correct. You want to be married. he just wants to sleep with you without commitment or obligation while you pay for everything.
My questions:
Why do you even want to marry a lazy deadbeat freeloader who's just stringing you along for no-strings sex while you pay for everything?
Why haven't you already dumped the lazy deadbeat freeloader who's just stringing you along for no-strings sex while you pay for everything?
How many more "postponed enganements" is it going to take for you to realize he's a lazy deadbeat freeloader who's just stringing you along for no-strings sex while you pay for everything?
He must have a really REALLY big one.
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