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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I met and fell in love with a man who was married when we met. He told me that he had been unhappy in his marriage for more than a year and was contemplating divorce at about the time we met. I refused to date him because he was married. He promptly filed for divorce, maybe within a month or two of meeting me. He insisted that it was not because of me at all and that he wouldn't have continued in the marriage even if he hadn't met me. I pestered him about the issue and kept asking him why he hadn't opted for a divorce before meeting me. He said he was too much of a coward and just wanted to put off the unpleasantness for as long as possible. The matter is in court now and the divorce will be finalised in a matter of months. We're sort of dating but we haven't slept with each other. He keeps dropping hints about wanting to marry me, which is sort of crazy considering that he's just getting out of a marriage. I do love him dearly but I keep thinking that he cheated on his wife emotionally (he told her only a month after developing feelings for me) and that I was responsible. I keep wondering how long he would have remained married had he not met me. I feel guilty and angry with myself. I also feel angry with him at times. This has taken away my peace of mind. Do you think there is a way out of such feelings of anger and guilt?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I suppose I am in a position where it's normal to be in denial and to try to explain away my doubts even if they're clearly (to others) excuses I'm making to keep myself happy.
His first marriage lasted seven years. His wife cheated on him with another man and after their divorce, she married the guy she had been having an affair with. He has children from the first marriage who live with his first wife. He meets them every weekend and seems to be very fond of them.
His marriage with his second wife lasted about two years. No children.
The only positive aspect from my perspective is that he told his wife almost as soon as he fell in love with me. He didn't try to have an affair first and then leave her. He wanted to end his marriage before beginning a new relationship.
He has told me that he's willing to wait till I make up my mind about him, even if that takes a few years. He mentioned marriage, I believe, just to communicate that he was serious and wasn't looking for a fling. He's white, I'm an Asian so I suppose he thought that mentioning the possibility of marriage is the honourable thing to do, especially considering my cultural context. But I know I shouldn't discount the fact that he may just be trying to get into my pants. But people don't usually leave their wives because they want to sleep with another woman. They usually like to keep their wives and mess around with other women behind their backs.
Again, I admit I might be all wrong and making excuses for him like people tend to do when in love. I had to talk about this without being abused for being 'the other woman'. Thank you, all of you. Any further advice would be welcome.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Please ask yourself the REAL question: If he was willing to fool around with YOU whilest he was married, what's the likelihood that he will fool around on YOU once the two of you get married?????
Remember, guys will do and say MOST ANYTHING to get a girl to put out for them..... This guy just got caught and had to go through on the lie he gave you ("Sure, I'm going to get a divorce for you.....")...
Good luck... you're going to need it....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): Girl trust your gut! You are uneasy about this situation bec u know how wrong it is. He kicked his wife to the curb without a moments notice. Will he do the same to u as well? His true character has been revealed and it is only a matter of time before he starts acting up after he gets whats he wants from you: meaning sex!
Im sure the end of the marriage has come as a shock to his wife: is this what u want for yourself? To marry him before the ink is dry on his divorce papers? And then u will find out that one day he will do the same to you as well. He has been very callous about this whole affair: no conscious, without hesitation he left his marriage. So the question is this: how often does he make life changing decisions? How selfish is he? Can u trust him?can u trust yourelf to trust him?
I note that u are sceptical of having sex with him therefore u have waited but he is pushing for sex. Out of the frying pan into the fire?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): "I keep wondering how long he would have remained married had he not met me."
He already had one foot out the door before he met you otherwise he wouldn't have divorced his wife so quickly. Had he not met you, he might still be married to her today and still with one foot out the door. why is that any better than having divorced her? instead I feel it's better that he promptly divorced her rather than dragging her through limbo like having an affair while still staying married to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): Maybe this is why he's getting a divorce, he meet a woman today and marry her tomorrow without getting to know her. Do you know how long he was with his wife before marrying her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): He sounds far from a safe bet to me. Alot of men line up somebody ready to go to before they leave their wife. Also he's kind of proposing before he really knows you,like staking his claim.
Your 'sort of dating', haven't had sex, yet here he is, not even divorced and he's hinting about marrying you!
Sounds like a desperate man to me.
I would step back, not see him until he IS divorced.It would make you feel better and see things clearer.Does he have children- think of what that would mean emotionally and financially for them and you, plus the Ex who may cause problems.
In the meantime don't listen to his words, watch his actions.
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