A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my boyfriend of one year (30 years) seems to have lost interest in sex. I think it could be down to stress as we are going away in one week and he keeps saying he really needs this holiday for a break from work. Also his eating habits are a little inconsistent at the moment - good food in the week and then bad food at the weekends, binging sometimes!. Could this all be due to low testosterone? I know he's not sleeping with anyone else, we live together and I usually know his whereabouts!! (At work or with me) he tells me I'm pretty and he told me the other day that I'm sexy, but never initiates sex. I havent put on weight or anything! We used to have it three/four times a week and now it's once a week at the weekend if I initiate it... It's making me insecure and I notice myself making comments - I don't want to nag him and piss him off but I'm getting a little resentful. When I talk about it to him he says he stressed out and tired. But I still can't help feeling insecure, sometimes he looks at porn (I know it's easier than sex but it adds to it!) maybe the holiday will help... What do you think? Will it go back to normal, should I keep initiating sex. I don't want us to be a sexless couple, I mean he told me at the start that he felt sex is an important thing to him. He said that he looked forward to our sex life and I know he enjoys it when we do it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Men don't perform well under pressure; be it pressure from work, from bills or from girlfriends; especially if their tendency is to withdraw from affections when they feel pressured. I suspect this is your boyfriend's tendency. To withdraw and seek solice inward. Unfortunately you can't change this patter of coping. It's built in. When he's into his head he's not going to be into sex. Also when working long hours he doesn't have time to exercise (which boosts testosterone levels by the way). So on the week-ends suggest some physical activity; yard work, bike riding, canoeing. Something that takes him away from his binge eating (another coping mechanism) and outside where he can get some fresh air, get his blood flowing and hopefully the activity will help him feel more sexual. If not, don't say anything - that will just be more pressure. Let it flow naturally. I suspect you tend to like sex more often (it makes you feel closer to him; makes you feel validated, sexy, loved) and he tends to not place much importance on it. You may have to get creative when you need to feel loved. Everyone has a different sexual appetite.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): If you express a lot of anxiety to your partner, you're adding to the problem.
He told you he was tired and stressed. You know he isn't watching his diet. How obvious can your problem be for you to accept it for what it is?
On top of that, sex isn't going to be as consistently intense
throughout your relationship, as it used to be. It starts to level off.
To further complicate your problem,you start the old "it must be me" performance; and lets add insecurity as just another rock on top of the pile. You're adding to his performance anxiety and what part of "tired" don't you understand.
Sorry to be tough, sweetie. I know you're scared.
Back off, take a breath, shake it off.
Before you go on vacation, he should get a physical exam to be sure he isn't suffering from exhaustion, and too much stress. Girlfriends and wives contribute a lot to stress; but it isn't a comfortable thing for them to accept. So I will add it at the cost of backlash. I don't really care.
If the shoe fits?
This is the time to be supportive. If he isn't acting himself and you know most of the things that may attribute to his lack of performance, then pursue treatment for the obvious. You'll determine the problem through the process of elimination.
Look forward to your vacation. Keep reminding him of the upcoming holiday to raise his spirits, and lift your own
anxiety.
You are both stressed out, in need of time alone, and some rest.
He will spring back with some distance from the source of his stress. Just don't carry extra emotional baggage by bringing up the "it must be me" stuff. Leave that behind and have a wonderful vacation.
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