A
male
age
36-40,
*eedguidance
writes:My girlfriend said that I am selfish and a heartless person, because I don’t think about her first. She began to list all things that caused her to be upset.1. Week 1: Saturday to Friday - I go to work full time from 8 to 5pm and take one class online for my certification. The class is very difficult requiring 25+ hrs of lecture and studies for a senior engineer but I’m a junior engineer. My gf is a fulltime graduate student. It was during a week that she has four finals, and I have my one midterm. We usually go out to eat together after I get off work, but because of her final and my midterm, we ordered out. She ordered the food, and I pick it up on my way home from work and pay for it myself. On a Saturday morning, I went out to buy some food that she requested so she can stay home to study. This went on for the duration of her finals. On Wednesday, she finished her finals and my midterm was due on Friday afternoon. On Thursday, she had to volunteer for an institution that starts at 9 to 5pm but she had to take the bus (no car). I found out next Monday morning that I was a “selfish” and a “heartless” person, because I didn’t offer to drive her to work or offer to pick her up. I didn’t offer to drive her on Thursday, because I had been staying up to 3-4am since Tuesday to do my midterm, and then having to wake up at 7am to get ready for work. On Thursday, I went home early from work to finish my midterm. I had told my gf on Tuesday night that I would leave work early to focus on the midterm. I called her at 12pm Thursday and left her a message asking how her day was going. I then called again at 3:40pm before I left work, but it went to her voicemail and I didn’t leave a message. I then called her at 5pm knowing that she gets out at that time. She returned my call at 5:20pm, and I asked her if she would like me to pick her up. She said no. She then ignored me the rest of the day. She kept this to herself until next Monday. On the same Thursday night, I asked her if she was hungry so we can eat together. She said no. 2. Week 2: On Saturday, my gf and I and 2 others went to a casino to eat a buffet and gamble a little bit. I paid for her $30 buffet meal. My gf said she was thirsty and asked me if I was too. I replied no, and all four of us headed to the bar to get a soda. After getting it, she remarked that I was “selfish.” I could have gotten the drink for her even if I was not thirsty. As a result, I wasn’t thinking of her first and therefore selfish.3. Week 2: Monday morning – Referring to my dinner offer on Thursday, she told me that I should “just do it,” rather than offering to buy because 99% of time people will say no. She can then choose to eat or “throw it away.” She also told me that I really didn’t want to buy for her, since I just ask and didn’t do anything. She expected that the food would be there before she gets home. She compared it to inviting guests over and then offering them food that you haven’t bought.Referring to Thursday morning, she said that I only cared about my sleep, and not the fact that she had to stand at the bus stop in the cold weather. I explained to her it was a horrible week for me having to stay up very late. In which she replied that I should have asked her a month before her volunteer work and not wait until last minute to offer. She said that I should have waited for her to come out at her workplace rather than waiting for her at my home (I was doing my midterm). She called my offer to pick her up a “fake,” because she felt I never wanted to pick her up and that the offer should be much earlier. She said that once I finished up with my midterm, I still did not offer to drive her to work. She said that whether having me as her bf makes no difference.She also called me cheap. I told her I am a lot of things, but I am not cheap. I have paid and never complained for all of her meals except when she wanted to pay for us. I paid for the buffet meal. She felt I was cheap, because I didn’t spend “much” money on her birthday when her friends asked her what I got for her. I spent about $260 to get her 2 watches, but she told her friends about only one watch for ~$150. She compared it to her sister’s boyfriend getting her a $700 bracelet, and he only makes 2K/month whereas I make 4.5K/month. And she probably thinks I was cheap because I didn’t get her anything for valentine, although she didn’t say this. For valentine, I got her $90 worth of flowers and a $160 worth dinner. We also have a mutual friend, and her fiancé proposed to her with a $3K ring. In my gf’s words, “Other people are gossiping why the guy who make 4K/month only buy a 3K ring. I don’t want to be that girl.”She called me cheap because I did not give her my metro pass card that I got from work for $50, when she asked for it several months earlier. Actual worth is about $2000 for 12 months. I said that I would check if my mom needs it, and then I will let her know. Unfortunately, I forgot to do so and gave the card to my brother instead since my mom didn’t want it. In her words: I had lied to her and being cheap. I have to admit, it was my fault for not giving it to her when I told her I would. She said that I could also give her that card instead and then get another one for my mom. She said that I had told her earlier that she meant to me more than my mom and brother, but since I gave the card to my brother instead, that I had effectively lied to her again.She now expects me to take her to work each morning (but not pick her up since I get out later than her now). She also said that if I am willing to change and correct my shortcomings, then she would not dump me – not selfish and cheap.This is my first relationship, and it’s hers too. I am 26, she’s 25, and we’re 8 months dating. I feel that I can never fulfill what she wants from me. I am called for being selfish and now cheap as well. She didn’t thank me during her finals week when I went to pick up the food and paid for it. I bought her snacks when she wanted, and got her meals on my Saturday morning. I never once asked her to pay me back. Now, she says I should just buy the food and not just ask. I did a lot last week while sleeping just 3-5 hrs and having work the next morning but I feel rather underappreciated. Instead, I got ridiculed.I want to continue, because I did in fact cause her some upsets before but I am afraid I can only do more wrong to her. I need someone who’s independent and self-sufficient. It seems my definition of independent and her definition of caring conflicts. It’s that or I am a selfish, uncaring, cheap man.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 March 2011):
 OK, the long and short of it is that she is giving you crap just to see if you'll put up with it. All girls do this; she is an egregious example, but not abnormal.
Consciously, she wants everything in the world - including the mutually exclusive parts. No matter what you do, if you try to be reasonable about it, you will lose. Subconsciously, there is something she wants far more than any particular soda or ride to work: she wants a man who will expect her to act like a reasonable adult, and who will refuse to put up with nonsense.
The thing is, no matter how demanding a girl is, the dollar value of what you get her has absolutely no relation to how "valuable" she feels it is. If you're repeatedly willing to shell out $30 for food, or $220 for gifts, and you do it easily jsut because you want her to be happy, she won't *feel* like it's valuable. She'll feel like she could have gotten more. Think of it like foreplay. You have to tease and build and anticipation, make her drag everything right out of you so she'll feel like she scored big time with, say, a $20 meal.
I'd say in the long run, you'll want to dump this materialistic girl. However, before you do that, you need to learn what lessons you can from dealing with her. I'd say she owes you that much. Next time she complains about anything at all, the moment you decide she is being unreasonable, end the conversation. No matter how much she wails and moans about it, end the conversation, and flat-out walk away if she won't let it go. Next time she makes an unreasoanble demand, laugh as if you believed she was joking - when she clarifies that she is not joking, say no. Be nonchalant, be firm, not confrontational. You need to do this as if it were completely natural, as if her actions were confusing, like she was a whiny child instead of a grown woman.
In other words, give gifts only on your own terms and on special occasions. Listen to her arugments only when she is being reasonable; refuse to pay any attention (positive or negative) to unreasonable arguments.
Given repeated treatments, she'll either dump you or start being more aggreeable. I'd still dump her anyway, and find a better girl, but it's up to you.
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Ok, you said this is a first relationship for both of you so consider this a learning experience. You DO have a drama queen and you ARE way too good for her. She may be naive when it comes to relationships, so maybe she doesn't know she is doing something wrong. I'm not trying to stick up for her, just offer an explanation.
If I were you, I would sit her down and explain that you no longer want to be with her and explain why. If she gets mad, let her know you are only telling her so she doesn't do this in another relationship. Afterwords, burn into your brain what she has done so you can spot bullshit right away next time. I have dealt with BS in relationships and once you know, you can spot it from a mile away.
Good luck with your future relationships!
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A
male
reader, sam44  +, writes (22 March 2011):
She doesn't have respect, that's the first thing, and she is not grateful. You have to dump her for goodness sake. she will not change, you have to leave that woman... i know its hard but imagine if you made pregnant a girl like that?... you don't want that my friend. The sooner the better, she will drain your money all the way to the courts!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Dump her instantly, no matter how hot you think she is. She's vile. In fact, I'd suggest you tell her exactly what you've stated here. Greed (the second deadliest sin, apart from Lust) has completely consumed her, and people like that are unlikely to ever change their ways - or even recognise the error of them - unless and until people actually tell them the truth to their face. Then, eventually - even if it doesn't sink in until she's lost all her friends and burnt down every good man she's ever been involved with - she might start to examine her own attitude and you'll have done her a huge favour.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 March 2011):
Buddy, let me tell you something. I'm 23, and I'm happy to say I've learnt one or two things here and there.
One thing I learned very quickly, was how to recognize a demanding drama queen.
And boy, do you have one on your hands.
Here's my list responding to your points.
1 - You pay for dinner - so you're not cheap
2 - You offer her lifts, so you're not selfish.
3 - After just 8 months, you put up with all her crap - so you're a great guy who just needs to break free from a rubbish woman.
I can't be bothered with the rest of the list, because it's too long.
This girl only wants your money. You got her a ring, and she moaned about it? Half of me wants you to flush her head down the toilet - yet the other half tells me you should just dump her gracefully as quickly as you can.
You're way, way, WAY too good for her.
She's just an appalling example of womanhood, and everything a lot of women and men on here would say just run from.
For God's sake, don't be a doormat. Dump her and find a good, independent woman who does't just fleece you for every cent.
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