A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for less than a year. And I just discovered that my husband cheated on me 4 years into our relationship. I found out he proposed to me a few months after he cheated (sexual and emotional relationship with other woman). I am so confused and obviously super upset. I don't know what to make of someone that could cheat, propose, and marry me without ever telling me that he cheated on me. I got the whole sob story about how he "didn't want to hurt me" but he has definitely hurt me...I now feel like our whole engagment, wedding, and the past year has been a sham! If he could lie to me and not tell me something this big before marrying me, what other secrets is he capable of keeping from me to "not hurt me?" I don't know what to do. I truly love him...and obviously don't know if I would've married him had I known about the cheating before hand. I think I would've eventually forgiven him, b/c I really love him! But the lying... and basically deceiving me into marriage, I don't know if I can forgive! Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): You are correct that your whole marriage, wedding and engagement was a sham.
I would leave him. You just can't trust him anymore. Even if he is now truly remorseful, he has shown that he is obviously a very good liar and a very good actor. He is untrustworthy. This is the scary thing. You just never know anymore in the future what may happen.
when people cheat, there is usually a reason especially if it wasn't 'just' a drunken one night stand but a full blown relationship with another person. This means that your husband/fiance had serious doubts about the relationship with you, long before marrying you. that doesn't make his cheating ethical by any means - if anything he should have brought up problems or doubts to you and if necessary broken up with you if he wanted to be with someone else.
why then would he marry you instead? Maybe his other woman left him!
Or maybe he did a long hard comparison between you and her and decided you were a better catch. Still, this is no consolation - you did not know you were being compared to someone else behind your back.
Another reason he might have married you could be guilt. Yes he could have proposed and married you only out of guilt. this would be awful, this is no basis for a marriage. I say this because I have guy friends who married their girlfriends out of guilt not because they really wanted to be with them. A few years and a few kids later, they are either divorced or else committed to being miserably married forever. the guilt that made them marry is the same guilt that makes them stay miserably married. You do not want to end up in a marriage like this.
I think you should leave him. You say you love him. realize that the "him" that you love, is not the real him. You love what you THOUGHT he was. that guy does not actually exist.
Leave him now while you as yet don't have that much invested in your marriage - only one year of your life. It gets much much harder to leave a marriage when you've been married 20 years and have kids.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): He cheated, found out he didn't want to lose you, and proposed and married you to fix that problem.
However, how did you find out about this now?
It doesn't matter if it was 1 year ago, or 5 years ago, it still will hurt for a long time. You will need counseling to help preserve the relationship.
Both women and men do this. The reasons "why" are hard to get without professional help, and usually take a long time to get to.
First, you need to know "who", "when", "what happened", etc.
Get professional counseling help.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 November 2010):
 HUGE RED FLAG - LEAVE HIM HUN!!!!! The lieing and keeping information away from you (for whatever reason) is a big bad sign!!!
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