A
female
age
26-29,
*Tzimisce.
writes:I didn't know where to go to ask this question. I go onto many forum sites but no one answers correctly, I needed some advice and wisdom from the lovely users on here who have consistently helped me with my relationship problems xoxI'm not sure if this is normal or whether I am just going through a phase of my life (I'm 23 years old) but where ever I seem to go I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I have no close friends in real life and I crave it so much, I crave feeling like I am valuable, like I will be missed if I am gone. I care about everyone else, I am thoughtful and generous by nature and I accept that I will not always receive this back. I am happy living to my values. I guess I struggle trying to make friends, feel like I fit in somewhere or that I am worth having around. As I'm writing this I see alot of low self-esteem, and I feel like I hold myself back from putting myself out there, because I feel like I will get rejected or not worth as much as someone else. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 July 2020):
 I am sorry you are feeling like this.
The phrase which jumped out at me from your post was "I go onto many forum sites but no one answers correctly". This sounds like you are looking for a specific answer, like you have already decided what the answer should be and are simply looking for someone else to say the same as you are thinking, to validate what you believe. So I will turn this round and ask you the question: why do YOU feel this happens? You describe yourself as having qualities most people look for in close friends, so why do you feel as you do?
A few thoughts (not answers, as I don't think anyone has answers as such, just things to possibly consider):
Do you perhaps come across as stand-offish when meeting new people? You say you hold back from putting yourself "out there" for fear of rejection. Could this perhaps come across as you keeping your distance because you don't want to mix with people? Shy people can often come across as stand-offish to people who don't know them, so this is a similar situation.
Do you show any interest in others? Do you ask them questions which will get them talking? People love others showing an interest in them. One of my pet hates is when people ask me what I "do", like my job defines who I am. I much prefer if someone asks me questions like "what are your hobbies?" or "what gets you up at week-ends when you are not working?" One of my closest friends did not even know what I did for a living for the first few months of our friendship.
Do you expect too much too soon from people you have just met? You can be nice and open and friendly with people without expecting anything back. If you don't have pre-set expectations, people will not fall short of these expectations and will not disappoint you. Simply be yourself and let the right people gravitate towards you.
Most people have their own groups of friends. Trying to walk into such a group can be difficult as everyone already has strongly established links to everyone else in the group. At best, they will be welcoming but keep you at arm's length and forget about you the minute you are gone. At worst, they can come across as hostile and exclude you from joining in conversation. This is nothing to do with YOU. This is all about them and their group.
My own experience of friendship has been that, as you get older, quality overtakes quantity where friends are concerned. You have fewer but closer friends. I myself have only two people I would class as "close" friends at the moment, with a number of "casual" friends.
My close friends I usually communicate with every day. If I don't hear from one of them for a day or two, I will make a point of checking in with them to make sure they are ok and they will do likewise with me. We may not see each other that regularly, especially with the weird craziness that is going on in the world at the moment, but we still touch base with each other regularly. We share the same core values and can rely on each other for moral support when something challenges those values or upsets us. We can rely on each other for a helping hand when needed.
My "casual" friends are people I hear from via social media and/or who I meet up with occasionally for lunch and a catch-up. Most of them I have met through a shared passion which forms a big part of our lives. We will always have that in common and will always have something to talk about when we meet up, even if we have not seen each other for months.
What is YOUR passion? What do you feel strongly about in this world? Don't be afraid to share that passion with people. Personally I find one of the most attractive qualities in a person is their passion for something, even if it is not something I care about myself. When someone is passionate about something, this comes across in their conversation and immediately becomes interesting to others. I have a colleague at work who is passionate about paddle boarding in his spare time. He travels the country (and has even traveled abroad) for competitions. This is not something I would even entertain trying but I can listen to him talk about it for hours because of the passion he feels for the sport. Another friend is a keen cyclist and, again, I can listen to him for hours talking about where he has been and what he has been doing to his bikes, even though my only interest in a bike is to get me a short distance down the road. Another friend restores classic cars and will talk passionately about his latest project, what he has been doing with it and how many bits he has replaced. While I appreciate a nice looking car, my mechanical knowledge stretches as far as changing a wheel or doing a very basic service but I find his stories intriguing.
What I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter what you feel passionately about (could be charity work with people or animals, could be a sport, could be a country, could be absolutely anything which makes your eyes light up), as long as you feel passionately about SOMETHING and are willing to share that passion with others. It doesn't mean they have to end up sharing your passion either. It just gives them an insight into what makes you tick and what makes you the person you are.
I don't know if I have answered correctly for you but those are my thoughts and I hope you find something useful in them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): Develop a good relationship with yourself and the rest will follow. Show your stripes so your tribe can find you.
M
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): OP, you sound like a caring and kind, gentle lady! If I were not three times your age and in a different nation, the USA, I would invite you to come to my church, with me. The best place to meet nice kind people, who do not fit into todays modern society, similar to how you feel, is a house of worship! Folks who show humility, speaking as you did, in your post, do esteem others more highly, than themselves, and that Friend, that is a gift from GOD THE CREATOR! You will find a greater concentration of folks like yourself, in most churchs and synagoges! That is how best, that I can direct you. I must inform you though, that even in churchs, you can still encounter insincere or prideful people and people who hide behind a false image of themselves. Just be aware of that, but do not let that blind you to the good that dwells in people of Faith! People like myself, have tried things our own way, the worlds way, and we learned what failures we were, until we turned to GODS WAY! I shall pray for your Blessing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Let's start with these lovely things about you:
"I care about everyone else, I am thoughtful and generous by nature and I accept that I will not always receive this back. I am happy living to my values."
God's chosen and beloved are often like this. Loners, different, usually very kind, and sweet-natured individuals. Not usually recognized or accepted into cliques; or they are easily over-looked, because of our understated or unobtrusive-personalities. Guess what, sweetheart? Many of us here on DC are like you! Your personality shows in your writing. You have a gentle soul and delicate-spirit. You are precious!
Here's what is working against you:
"I feel like I will get rejected or not worth as much as someone else."
My dear, you are blessed with a humble-spirit; but you are taking it to mean you have low self-esteem. Money, looks, and popularity distinguishes one person from the next; but that does not make anyone better than anyone else. What makes people less than others is being cruel, greedy, mean-spirited, bigoted, stupid, and selfish. Don't confuse the meaning of stupid with ignorant. Ignorant people can be taught and enlightened; but stupid-people reject knowledge and truth. They like being stupid! They wear it like a badge! They often go into politics!
The fear of rejection will make you avoid contact. You will self-isolate, and will hide in shyness from fear of people. Whether they are good or evil. Your natural-reflex will be to shun or avoid those who approach you; fearing they wouldn't like you, if they knew you. Never giving them the chance or an opportunity to find-out one-way or another. They'll back-off, misinterpreting your reflex as snobbery; or they will respect your shyness, and give you your space. Feeling they were rejected without being given the benefit of the doubt. It goes two-ways you know!
What you've described about yourself, in this case, sometimes comes from bullying. Maybe some unkind things said to you by your parents lingers-on in memory, you've received too much teasing from cruel siblings; and it is often symptomatic of teenagers who are exposed to too much social media. It stems from emotional-trauma you receive in those formative-years; that can stick with you for ages! "Maturity" means you have overcome those challenges or obstacles; and you press-on to survive. It's a lifetime's work in-progress! Nobody ever finishes, no matter how old you'll live to be! The fortunate thing for you is your youth and vitality! You have so much life ahead of you; and the future holds many wonders yet to be discovered and experienced! God bless you!
Extroverted-egotists, showoffs, and braggarts inundate the internet with their obnoxious-selfies; and exaggerated stories of how wonderful their lives are. TV shows and movies depict friendships and romances in fictitious and totally unrealistic ways. Making young-people or kids figure; if they don't live-up to a certain image or character-profile, you won't cut-it. To be happy you must be rich, beautiful, slim, talented; and your skin can't be dark, or brown. Not so! Just look around you in reality.
Popular-kids in school/college flaunt their looks and status by demeaning those who refuse to bow to their vanity. They exalt their popularity by forming cliques, and excluding less popular people; and they target those who are "different." Using their obvious flaws or physical-attributes as focal-points. They sometimes persecute shy-people, of different race or ethnicity, gay, or those with disabilities. Drawing everyone's attention to them in negative-ways. Beauty-queens form hit-squads of mean-girls/bullies that go after sweet shy-girls, or shy-guys. It's hard to shake-off the damage they've inflicted, once you're forced out into the real-world. Especially, in an age where you don't look-up; because your eyes are fixed to the screen of a device. Finding, making, and keeping friends is a challenge. You have to have friends and companionship; because it's written into our human DNA. It's harder for some than others; but everyone has a fair chance to succeed at it. Depending on your effort, and having a positive-outlook. God helps us to develop that within ourselves. He removes the fear that confines and imprisons us. He lifts the darkness and depression that befalls us. It doesn't always require a therapist or a pill.
Let me expound on Honeypie's brilliant suggestion about faith. Faith and worship is necessary in times like these. The world is impersonal, selfish, and intolerant. Politics promotes divisiveness, and cruelty. It makes people easier to manipulate when you turn them against each-other. Making one group feel superior to another. The good-people often stay low-key to avoid confrontation, or they feel intimidated; otherwise, they're simply peaceful-individuals too busy doing God's work to be distracted.
God chooses the odd-balls for Himself. He has a soft-spot for us. Even Jesus ate with, and preached to, social-rejects, tax collectors, the poor, and the down-trodden. He loves those who are humble, gentle, and protects the weak. Seek refuge in a house of worship, whatever way you worship. If Christian, read your Bible; or seek spiritual-enlightenment among kind and gentle-people who only want to see the good in you. Open your heart, and take a risk with being rejected. How else will you sort-out who is good for you, and who isn't? How else will you form binding-relationships and friendships that refresh the soul, and give you companionship? Will you get rejected? By whom? So what? Who gets to decide whether you're good enough? Who on this planet has the right? Everybody eats and goes to the bathroom just like you do! Strip them of what they have, and they're just another person like you and me. What are you afraid of? Whatever can hurt you, can hurt them too! God's arms and His heart are always open to us! Best friend you'll ever have! He will never let you go, or let you down. He's above all beings; but don't expect to tell Him what to do, outsmart Him, or let arrogance make you think you're more righteous in thought. He doesn't like being second-guessed, or competing with idols for your affection. He is omnipotent, you can't fathom His greatness; but He's gentle and loving all the same! He will lead friends to you, just for the asking! He loves gifting and blessing people! Good or bad! He wants you to find love among people. He wants you to love others, and them to love you back!
When the pandemic-restrictions are lifted, and the threat of infection has completely subsided; reach-out to good organizations that help people. Work for charities to be around kind-hearted people who don't harshly judge or scrutinize you. Learn to endure criticism, repel insults, and trust that God loves you for exactly the kind of person He has made you to be. Kind, gentle, sweet, and humble. That's the best kind of friend anyone could ever have; but not everyone deserves. Pray, and watch how God responds! He's saving you for something special, and your destiny and purpose has yet to be revealed to you. He may be protecting you from corruption, to serve a great purpose. You don't even have to be a believer in God. Yes, He does that too! Nobody can figure Him out! He's God!
God bless, guide, and protect you. We need more lovely people with your gentle-spirit! There are people searching for you, and will find you by the grace of God. I'll pray that they will!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 July 2020):
 Making friends gets harder the older we get. Especially good friend.
But it's NOT impossible.
A good way is through hobbies, sports, faith (if you belong to a church) or through volunteering. You will meet people with whom you share SOMETHING. Like the love of sewing, hiking, soccer or whatnot. And when you find you "click" with one (or more) of them, suggest going out for a meal or a drink or an activity. Like going (I don't know) go-karting or fabric shopping (if you are into sewing) or exhibitions on art (if you are into painting drawing)...
There is no "instant trick" to make friends. You WILL have to put yourself out there and occasionally be rejected Or reject someone else. SAVE the "generosity" for actual REAL friends. You can't BUY friendships either.
Rejection doesn't MEAN you aren't good enough, it just means you weren't a good fit or THEY weren't a good fit. So accept that life offers rejection from birth until death. It is what it is. Not everyone is going to like you, YOU are not going to like everyone else either.
You ARE the one holding yourself back, no one else is.
I'd say look online for books or articles on working on your self esteem, because what you "put out there" is what other's will see and either be attracted to or not. That goes for friends too.
None of us are perfect. We aren't meant to be. We are all "works in progress". Remember that.
And there are a TON of people out there looking to make friends. It can just be hard to FIND someone that you click with. It takes work, effort and dedication. They are not going to just show up at your door, YOU need to get off your ass and go out there!
You can do this.! I'm an introvert WITH friends. If I can do it? YOU can too. Trust me on that!
Chin up and go for it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): You are your greatest critic at 23 yrs of age.
You have expectations of what life should be like and these ideas can be generated through your interpretation of all the things that have happened to you up until now and also movie based ideas of what love and attraction can look like.
You need to discount all T.V. and movie interpretations of life and love because none of them are even remotely real.
They are all manipulated images to make the viewer feel momentarily involved in the portrayed characters onscreen life.
Take 'Friends' for example.
All the action happens in one or two screen settings with plenty of 'canned laughter'.
It's entertaining but it's not realistic.
I expect you already don't hold yourself up to a false image but so many people do.
Then of course friendships require a bit of work.
All those birthday cards to write.?
You probably don't do birthdays and neither do I but you will find a lot of people with established friends do service those friendships with cards or flowers or Xmas cards and hampers and so on.
In a way it's ingratiating but people enjoy these gifts if you can afford them which I'm assuming you cant.
You will never find true friends on forums.
A lot of people like to brag that they made friends on this or that forum.
But they didnt.
It just makes it sound a friendly place to be.
When it's not.
It's frequently just a clashing of egos.
So don't look for friends on forums.
Your best bet would be to look at people you already associate with.
Sometimes making friends can be a very long and slow proceedure.
At other times it can be spontaneous when you are in a college or university setting and seeing each other daily and sharing accomodation.
But if your life is anything like mine it doesn't matter how many friends you do or don't have.
Most people have on average less than five really good and consistent friendships.
But everyone has to be able to handle being alone because that is an automatic default position in life.
You can never be surrounded by friends and it is essential that you can be alone without going to pieces.
You must be able to have time alone where you do something.
When you don't need a captive audience or admirer because you are engrossed in the task.
If there is nothing in your life that gives you this satisfaction then I suggest you think of something you can do alone that you enjoy.
Don't just listen to music because that can alter how you feel.
Instead get a guitar or a bass guitar and learn to play it.
Then you can at least play bass along to the music you love.
Then you find others want to play along with you.
So that's just an example of how you change from passive friendship to active friendship because you have similar intrests.
Don't stress about the friendship thing.
Friends come and friends go but you have a life pathway to walk along slowly and you never know what will be around the next corner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Self esteem is such a fragile thing.
Some people grow up with lots of self esteem. Others have lots of it to begin with but then something happens in their life and it becomes shattered.
Some people have none but then their lives plan out as they want and their self esteem raises.
Some people develop it with age and some people loose it.
It’s always good for people to ‘ check in’ with their self esteem. But, I find most people don’t realise when they have none. They are blind to it or they don’t want to admit it.
Good job for recognising this.
One way you can ‘tackle’ this is to find out what you enjoy doing. What are your hobbies?
If you have a hobby then try and join a club. It’s a great way to meet people who have the same interests as you. It will be easier to make friends as you will all have a ‘common ground’. You will always have something to talk about and it will put you more at ease. Be passionate about your hobbies - study them and learn all you can. Having hobbies is a great way to boost self esteem and make you feel good about yourself and boost your confidence. If you don’t currently have a hobby - then try new things, expand your knowledge. The more you try new things, the more your confidence will grow. Get out of your comfort zone, the more you face your fears the less scary it will seem to you.
Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating healthy, excercising and getting enough sleep. Your body is your temple and by treating it with respect you are teaching yourself to respect and love yourself in the process. Make sure you get fresh air EVERYDAY!
Face your fears and invite someone you know for a coffee. It seems scary, but the more you do it the more natural it will become. Don’t be upset if it doesn’t go as you wanted. Remember practice makes perfect and self esteem twists our perception of things not in favour of us. Practice, practice, practice!
Write down a list of goals YOU want to achieve in life. Write them daily/weekly/monthly - check In with them. If inviting someone for a coffee with you if your goal for a day - make sure you get it done.
Decide the things you don’t like in your life, then set out a plan of how to change them. Most people’s self esteem grows when things are going right in their lives.
Tell yourself over and over again what you like about yourself, but be honest. Once you know your strengths then play on those strengths - develop them. If your kind and helpful - then offer help to others in a project. Volunteering is a GREAT way to boost self esteem. Knowing you are making a difference will give you purpose in life, feel good about yourself and is another great way to meet like minded people.
Treat yourself every now and then. Get a massage if you like them, a haircut, buy some new clothes and update your wardrobe, read that book you’ve been meaning to. Do the things you enjoy, limit tv time and make the most of your free time. Learn a new language - fill your life with amazing things and people will be drawn to you.
Try meditation or yoga. Both can HELP in reducing social anxiety.
Only you can improve your self esteem. You need to take ACTION!
Take control of your feelings and your life and do something about it. It is scary and it’s not easy, but take charge of your life.
If you feel good about yourself and your life - then your self esteem will rise. Get out of your comfort zone. It may be a phase or it may not - it doesn’t matter. Think about how much better your live will be if you fill it with amazing things. People will naturally gravitate towards you.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): I have been reading this website for months and this is the first question I have read that deserves a real response. Many have self inflicted problems, they make errors of judgment or daft choices and then rush for advice when the obvious happens. Your post struck a chord with me because you have done nothing to deserve your problem, you are kind, thoughtful towards others and really suffering.
Others will say have you got a hobby, do you like sports, go and do voluntary work. Now let us look at those so called options. You sound very self aware and smart so I am sure you would have thought of them already anyway.
Voluntary work assumes you have a lot of spare time and are able to arrange to be wherever at a set time on a set date. It assumes that you want to mix with the sort of people who often are not working - this either means the unemployable, the lazy or the old and retired.
You sound too young and too vibrant to want to mix with such people on a regular basis, nor want to make them into your friendship circle.
The first thing you do when you want to make friends is ask yourself what sort of people do you want as friends.
Most make the huge mistake of rushing off to anywhere people meet up and embracing anyone there - even if they is a forty year age difference and they come from different planets and have nothing in common.
I am a nerd, I am not at all into sports and due to physical disabilities I am unable to go walking and such.
Yet people who do not think, and assume, and do not know me would tell me to join a walking group. If I was able to go walking I would just go walking, i would not need an organised group, I could walk next door's dog. That is what I sometimes did before I became disabled. No need to have to get a cab to such and such to start walking from a different place. When you walk a dog you meet loads of people. You don't need others to come with you. And you can do it as and when it suits you, not to other peoples' time table. Choose times that suit you, choose when the weather is nice, choose the days when you are bored or wanting to get out.
I know a leading freelance reporter with very active brain, very intelligent. He retired. Due to his work and the long hours he had no friends. Guess what people told him to do? They said - go and do voluntary work! Go to groups. The only voluntary work available in his area was washing up at a centre where very old down and outs went for free lunches. He would have been stuck out the back washing up. It would have made more sense to tell him to go and have lunch with them. But they were far too old for him and they had nothing in common. Because he is very smart and has a very active brain going to a bridge club was more suited to him. He could have run that centre, of a much bigger one, in his sleep, it would have turned him into a very bored lonely zombie.
Believe me, there is nothing more lonely than going from feeling the way you do, to being with a crowd of strangers you have nothing in common with and do not value you. It uses up your time and achieves nothing else.
What you need now is encouragement to try. To put that foot in the water and make a change, an effort, take a chance and to reassure you that you are worth knowing and making friends with, you are special, there is nothing wrong with you, people who meet you and make friends with you will be very lucky to know you. You also need to be reminded that when you are lonely others can sometimes sense it and push their luck or expect far more than they ought to. The guy I mentioned earlier is wealthy. He would sometimes meet potential friends and they would know he has a lot more money than them and they would ask to "borrow" money or expect him to buy all the drinks.
You will meet the right people eventually. But the thing is that the more you try and the quicker you try the quicker it happens. Things which are really worth having never come easy. This will transform your life, make it wonderful.
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