A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello!My bf and I are from different cultures and English isn't his first language. He sometimes misunderstands me and then starts arguing. It's not normal arguments but very degrading ones. He calls me stupid, idiot, low mentality he will send pig emojis whatever that's supposed to mean. I am emotionally exhausted and have told him if he is incapable of being nice then don't bother speaking. He comes from a culture where men are superior to women. I come from USA and believe in equality. He keeps telling me I'm supposed to be submissive. I don't think submissive means you tolerate abuse. Any advice please and thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): "My dear OP, you're like so many lonely single-women over 40;..."
I meant to say "...approaching, or over 40;...! I didn't mean to add more years to your age...he's probably already doing that!
Here's another way to look at it.
This isn't a prejudice against different cultures; but you don't become "unevenly yoked" (a biblical-reference) to men who don't share your beliefs, values, and traditions. That's the very definition of incompatibility! Least of all, give-up your practice of Christian-worship; to adopt beliefs that contradict what you've sworn your life and soul to. He won't! If you do convert; then go all the way! Don't try to have one foot in both worlds. He has to introduce you into his family, and their culture; and unless you adapt, they will reject you.
He insists that you change for his sake. Hence, he is demanding what he believes to be right; and that which is according to his cultural-traditions for women. He is setting a condition (with more to come) to be met; in order to continue with your relationship. If you're exhausted, it's because resistance is futile! He's the man in the relationship.
Any romance attempted with no regard, or contradictory, to your principles, values, and beliefs; is doomed from the start! Some things you don't compromise on...as he is attempting to show you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): Read your post back to yourself three times. MAYBE A DOZEN TIMES! You can answer your own questions. The heart can be foolish; even to the point of stupidity. This is a commonsense issue.
Abuse and incompatibility are the reasons you immediately end relationships! As fast as you can!!! What are you waiting for, or expecting to happen? A miraculous transformation? Suddenly out of the blue, he becomes a sweet and loving wonderful-guy who speaks fluent-English? Where'd you find him? Online? One of those profiles from some handsome-guy (maybe younger) seeking love; sitting in a foreign public internet café. Duping gullible lonely-women with his sweettalk. My guess is, he doesn't even reside in this country! It's a long-distance online-romance?
You're emotionally-exhausted; because you're holding-on to him, waiting for this miraculous change. You're addicted to the drama it evokes! Your very own personal soap-opera!
Take no offense lady-readers! My dear OP, you're like so many lonely single-women over 40; fearing they can't find a good-man, because they believe their age forces them to keep whatever they can find. Pardon, if that comes across as sexist; but lets be frank!
Maybe you're just a single-lady, tired of searching? In any case, our advice is often wasted. Until they come to their senses! That mindset is self-destructive, reckless, and untrue; and you could end-up deeply emotionally-traumatized, getting your money taken from you, physically-injured, or DEAD! Some successful and/or wealthy-women make the mistake of traveling to their countries; or buying their love-interests plane tickets to fly them to Europe, Canada, or the United States. They're alone with, and vulnerable to these men! Giving them money, having phony weddings; and supporting their families, and local-girlfriends (or wives) on the side.
This one's a no-brainer! It is not my point to be condescending! Again, please take no offense! I have to get past your emotions; to awaken and provoke your sense of logic. My wording is sharp, but my intentions are good!
KICK THAT JERK TO THE CURB...AND HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH HIM!!! NEVER...EVER!!!
Here's the predictable-end. He comes-up with some sudden family-crisis, or an emergency that requires you to wire him money. That should ease the tensions. I speculate you've already sent him money for the privilege of calling him your boyfriend? If he lives stateside, you're paying the bills; and he's probably unemployed, or hardly working. DC gets a lot of these posts. I'm not psychic!
This matter really doesn't require advice. It only requires common sense, and your inner-strength. I know I've used strong-language in my response; only to appeal to your better-judgement. I see how emotional and heartbroken you are. Even if you don't like this advice, or take it in the wrong-way; it might help you to be more receptive to the other posts from caring-aunts and female-readers who will use more gentle responses. This is my tough-love method. I only hope to reach your stronger-side; so you'll listen to your own sense of reason. I know the heart shuts-down our sense of logic; and can override good-judgement. I've been there, my dear! I won't be a self-righteous-hypocrite!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 April 2021):
 I agree with anon female
GET RID!
You write:" He comes from a culture where men are superior to women."
No, he comes from a culture where men THINK they are superior to women.... BIG difference.
You two are from different worldviews. In his view, you need to just shut up and put up.
He is NEVER going to change his attitude. THIS is who he is.
Do you want to be his "inferior"?
Just end it and find someone who isn't living in the Dark ages, who can and will treat you right.
You are wasting your time on this one.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (26 April 2021):
 I have to ask you, why are you with this person?.
Why have you got to be submissive?. Why would you have to conform to his authority, he is your partner, not your manager at work.
You don't divulge where he is actually from, but his actions stem way beyond the realms of being submissive. He is absolutely down right rude, and is belittling you every chance he gets. Calling you stupid, idiot, low mentality, then sending pig emojis, i'm sorry OP this is a major red flag, and you should not have to put up with being treated like this. Who on earth does he think he is.
I understand that there are different cultures and there are customs and different ways of dealing with wives partners. But the way he is belittling you and treating you like absolute crap is something that no one should ever have to put up with.
By your own admission you say he is incapable of being nice, you are exhausted, and that you tolerate abuse.
My advice to from what you have said in your post would be to end this relationship with him and walk away. You can do so much better than to be treated like something he found on the bottom of his shoe.
Leave him, delete everything to do with him and find someone who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): My advice is get rid, why are you bothering with this man exactly?
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