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I discovered that my boyfriend is a cross-dresser. Now he lies to me about it!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2005) 38 Answers - (Newest, 28 May 2013)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hi,

I’m really confused at the moment and was hoping someone could help me out. I’m in a relationship and have been for about 1 year and 2 months. It was great to start off with but now things are a little shaky.

He has two kids (just turned 2 and 4) and even though he has a psycho ex, we’ve overcome that and things are fine in that area.

Anyway not long ago I found out that my partner has a bit of a secret, he’s a cross dresser and it would seem that he’d dress up in my clothes and go out late out night wandering the streets I presume while i was asleep…

Anyway I found out that he was also doing it during the day while I was at work. Not only dressing up but it's quite disgusting to say but I know that he also masturbates while dressed up. When I confront him we usually have an argument as he doesn’t like to talk about it and then it ends with him saying he doesn’t want to do it but he can’t help it but he won’t do it again.

I’ve figured out that he is a compulsive liar as a result of this because no matter how many times he says he won’t do it again, he does it and denies it. I’m really confused as to what to do because it feels like it’s my fault he’s doing it because I must not be good enough for him even though he says i am.

This has really affected me so much and I love him with all my heart but I just hate the whole lying and hiding… I’m told by him constantly that I’m a snoop etc for looking to see if he's done anything but if I knew he wasn’t doing it then I wouldn’t look. When we’re happy and nothing's wrong we’re a perfect couple and that’s what I want, but I feel like I can’t trust him anymore because of the lies and because what he’s doing is hurting me so much. He doesn’t realise this and he’s not a person to sit and talk because it turns into an argument and I hate that. I’m always the one giving in.

I’ve never really been able to speak to someone about it so it’s all bottled up inside me, I think that’s why its having such a huge impact on me. Please help me or give me some direction.

View related questions: at work, liar

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A female reader, jhh United States +, writes (28 May 2013):

I was with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and about 1 yr ago I found erotic pictures of him on the computer cross dressed. I was so upset and freaked out! He said he didn't need to do it. Well, I kept finding new clothing. When he started crossdressing he stopped having sex with me regularly and would never kiss me passionately. Kiss on the cheek. He just moved out 2 months ago and now he dresses up every day in full female attire and takes pictures of himself and shares them with other people. He says he only likes women but I did find an anal dildo and an enema bag. He goes to a gay bar to dress up because they accept crossdressers thee he says and has fun . Since he moved out we continue to see each other and have sex and now he kisses dme passionately and is very sexual but he NEVER calls me or asks me to anything. I always do. I think if I didnt we would never see each other. He said he wants to still see me but needs his space. I feel rejected.

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A female reader, j.rabbit United States +, writes (21 September 2010):

i have a crossdressing boyfriend also. i don't mind the outfits so much.. i help him dress up, put make up on him, do his nails, etc. what does bother me is that my boyfriend is bisexual and looks up shemale/tranny porn more than he ever looks at straight porn and always wants me to anally penetrate him when he's dressed up! first of all, any form of anal absolutely disgusts me. and second of all, i'm worried that he will eventually leave me or cheat on me with a guy to see if he's missing out. i don't indulge him all the time (but he says it's often enough), but we always go through periods where i encourage him to do it more because he won't ever initiate sex or when we do try he can't get or stay hard. lately it seems like he can never stay hard, even though he says he still feels "satisfied" without orgasming and reassures me that i do turn him on. i don't know what to do. i love him but i honestly feel like i'll never be fully happy or secure with him. it gives me constant anxiety and i'm tired of having my needs ignored and having a shitty sex life just because our relationship revolves around HIS fetish. that's the REAL problem with dating a crossdresser: forget about anything you ever expected or wanted out of a sex life unless you have the same fetish as them because they're so wrapped up in loving what they do that YOUR NEEDS DON'T MATTER TO THEM.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

Hey Robyn Avatar. That was an excellent response. i went through the same trouble (as the crossdresser). No one understands but now honestly all that matters is that i do. There is me. and There is my shadow. I suppose theres a few more sides of me I'd rather not get into. But i realize that being a crossdresser is a part of me and Who I Am. I understand that people lie about it also... No one EXCEPT for the girlfriend needs to know. You dont go asking your other dude friends what gets them off in bed. I feel so relieved that it may actually be OK to do this and whatever girl i end up with is just going to have to deal with it as a part of me. Im not gay at all and i dont see any probelm if my girlfriend wanted to dress up like a guy. Lol i wouldnt take it in the rear or anything but Id still do her while shes rockin a double xl tee shirt and board shorts if she wants. Its JUST clothes. An odd fetish maybe. but it hurts no one... theres no risk or morality issues. Only release every once in a while from the comfort of the strong male shell that holds OH SO MANY SECRETS inside. Sorry for babbling. Just wanted to post this cause i LOVED your line "Can you be with him and his shadow". Now every piece of who i am is one. Thank you so much, you are a very wise person. I will do something great with my life i promise all of you in this world. I will make you all happy :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

i am a kid, almost a tennager, and i crossdress. i haven't told anybody, and im really scared. every day i have an urge to crossdress, but what if somebody discovers my secret? this might be somewhat related to why men keep it a secret i feel like they'll hate me for who i am.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010):

Consider that your reaction to his deepest secret would certainly cause him to withdraw, feel vulnerable and humiliated, and, yes, lie! If you cannot live with him, accepting and embracing WHO he is, and what brings him relaxation and pleasure, leave him.

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A male reader, Robyn_Avatar United States +, writes (8 February 2010):

Robyn here,, Yes I too stared Hiding my cross dressing at a very early age. I was so afraid that my father would resent me, and i would be ridiculed, not understood and more, called GAY.. Knowing that I was not that I could not understand my Cross dressing desire. Thank GOD I had an older sister that thought it was weird but would let me put on her underwear.

After years of my own self going to therapy , I finally found a life regressionist new word of mine) anyway, as I was being regressed. I experienced seeing my self at 24 months and 36 months of age. And saw my mother dressing me up in little girls clothes when my father left for work. She gave me dolls to play with. Just before my dad would come home, she would change me into boys clothes and put the dolls away. This went on until I went into Kindergarten, and was not done by her anymore. During my 28 year marriage I would buy bra's dresses, heels, put them on, and 20 minutes later take them off and give them to good will. Saying i would not do it again,, Yet, months later, Bingo an new outfit for 20 mins. This went on until my wife's death 28 years Later. A few months after her death, i started buying my shadow side outfits. I had my own closed of dresses, skits , blouses, heels, and I vowed not to hid e it. I found a woman who on the 3rd date wanted to move us to another level and I told her,, You might like this side of me , the carnying male, but I have a different side that I am not going to deny anymore, and that is I am a Cross dresser. She accepted it at first, Then more and more she pressured me to give it up. Finally she stopped and is Allowing it, sometimes helps me shop, other times, wants to see what I have bought. When I show her, she never looks at me , but looks at the dress , or skit and heels.

She told me she would ask me to dress for dinner, and I said if she wants me to, to be ready for more than a skirt and heels. She said ok, since she had requested me dressed, I surprised her , coming out in my best outfit , with my wig, breast forms and makeup. She dropped the spoon she was string the pot with... She was not BI and could not kiss me then, but since she knows when I get dressed, I am still me, the guy under the makeup. Its been a hard lesson for her, and she is still dealing with it. . IN fact she asked me, What if I (she) was to cut her hair short, bind her breast, put on mens jeans, a shirt and baseball hat. I told her that is more acceptable (she could just put her hair up in the hat) and no one would bat an eye at what she was wearing, and in the end, in bed, we still have what we need to please each other. ..

Ok, anyway, Please know that he is lying to you, because you cant see the guy in the makeup , he is the same person and as i can attest and many other cross dressers. Its a need with-in , perhaps something happened at birth for us and when the embryonic fluid washed over our brains our's didn't get completely flushed away thus causing the two hemispheres to stay linked in someway as a womans yet, majority as a male.

I can say most of my sisters, can tell you , that they are drawn to the kitchen with the women vs the macho males in the den (yet they are in the den) or they find GG women much easier to talk to that to males, In fact you might even find them shopping with their GG woman in the panties and bra section that the men sitting in the chairs waiting for their lady to try on clothes.

I say relax, tell him to bring out what he is hiding, It will not be hidden anymore, Then you can make the decision. can you be with him and his shadow or not.

Robyn

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A male reader, CupidCannon United States +, writes (21 July 2009):

ok id normally say let him express who he really is and let him do it. but that is kinda disgusting

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009):

I am a crossdresser myself, it's interesting to read these points of view. Ever since I can remember I dressed as a girl/woman, I used to wish that I would wake up as a girl. My parents did know when I was young but thought it was just a phase, this on top of being ridiculed, humiliated and punished as a child made me give it up, but I carry on dressing in secret. I never had the courage to tell anyone no matter how much I wanted to. It is a one way road you know, once you go down it you can never come back, because of this I worry about what my friends and family would think if I told them and if they new whether they would percieve me differently. It is extremely hard and people shouldn't judge. If society was comfortable with it I would probably be crossdressing a lot more often.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009):

Please help! My partner and I have been together for a year now and i'm finding myself arguing with him alot over tiny little things. It's almost getting to breaking point. He thinks i'm a very moody person and that's my problem but it's not see, 8 months ago when i was at his house I just happened to walk past his half open closet and as I walked past something caught my eye, there was a dildo in his closet. Of course curiosity got the better of me and I had a closer look. What I found was two dildos, a blond wigg, high heel shoes, stockings and lingere. I thought at first that it must be his ex girlfriends but inspecting the shoes made me realise that they were way too big for a female (unless she was a giant). For the next few weeks I thought about it and came to the conclusion that they definantly must be his and that he likes to 'dress up'. I haven't told him that I know and he hasn't told me that he does it.

Since then I have tried many things to get him to tell me....for example, one time when I was filing my toe nails I told him that I would do his. When I started I noticed there was not completely removed pink nail polish on his toes. I asked him about it and he said he just had a little fetish with nail polish and left it at that. Also, whilst in bed together I have found (at two seperate occasions) blond wigg hair in his bed...I pretended to be upset about it calling him a cheater in the hopes that he would tell me, but no that didn't work either. I have bought him lingere and high heel boots to wear with me in bed telling him it's been a fantasy of mine....he gladly wears them for me and I do not mind at all. I love seeing him happy but I'm really upset that he doesn't feel comfortable telling me about his fetish, and lies to me to my face about it.

I don't know if I should tell him that I know because i'm afraid i'll lose him.

Please help!

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A male reader, Mancunian United Kingdom +, writes (22 January 2009):

Why do women make such a big deal over this? They are just clothes! Crossdressers are NOT gay; quite the opposite. They ADORE women, which is part of the reason they do it. And just because a crossdresser is turned on by wearing womens' clothes, doesn't mean he doesn't get turned on by you.

What you need to do is set some ground rules. A crossdresser will think that if a woman tries to understand his obsession, then that is a green light for him to do it all the time. It isn't. You need to agree when it is ok for him to dress. If your fine with incorporating it into your sex life, then great. If not, then don't feel pressured into doing so. What crossdressers want mostly is understanding from a woman and not to be made to feel that he is a weirdo.

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A female reader, GFL Canada +, writes (21 July 2008):

When I discovered my boyfriend was a cross-dresser it was early in our relationship and at first I was taken-aback. I'm a bit older (in my forties) and have lived a lot of life and seen a lot but I'd not encountered this. It took me a few days to get my head around but one of the clinchers was this: WHO IS HE HURTING? If your boyfriend or husband is going to have any 'issue' at all, this one is the most harmless and potentially the most fun one that he could have. That realization helped me a lot. I found that if I dressed up as well, it enhanced my own feelings of attractiveness and femininity and after a few times, I found that he was even attractive and erotic dressed up. Sharing this together deepened our love for each other, because it was the most intimate sharing possible on his part, and the most deep acceptance possible on my part. Part of the key to this is remembering that it is not all of who he is, it is just one aspect, one expression. If he is a wonderful man in so many other regards, and you could find your way to accepting him, it would help your relationship a lot. I notice that your question is a few years old. I wish you would check back to this website and tell us how things went for you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

The women who report in agony about their husbands who cross-dress are the result of a repressive society that condemns a man for having a feminine side. Those men, friends, lovers or husbands, lied because they are terrified that the truth will destroy the relationship. Funny, isn't it? They lied to protect you. But when the truth came out, there is enough hell for both parties.

Some facts: Most cross-dresser men are straight. They don't dress to attract men. The are dressing to be more like the women they adore.

Just as we are starting to realize that there is a real difference in the brains of gay men and straight men (translation: they did NOT make a choice, they MUST be attracted to the gender their brain tells them to) we are starting to realize that the brains of cross-dressers are different from the brains of non-cross-dressers. ALL brains during the first eight weeks of life are female! But a rush of androgen at that time changes that female brain into a male brain. But what if the mother cannot supply the androgen needed for the male brain because of an illness she may have, or stress she has, or chemicals she unknowingly ingests? This is a new idea and will only be proven when

in future years enough cross-dressers on their death willingly assign their brains to science for study.

Will he ever stop dressing? Perhaps for a long time. But

he will eventually return to it. He must.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008):

when I read your letter I thought that i had wrote it. I have tried to go along with his cross dressing and understand it, but all that did was caused him to want to do it all the time. I thought I could handle it, we have been together almost 3 years now. We have fought many times over this, and each time the fight gets worse. This last fight he stabbed me in the arm with an air wrench, and later that night he shot me in the back of the leg with a pellet gun. Needless to say, I moved out but a couple of days later when I went to see him, we had sex, he didn't take off his clothes cause he had on women's clothes on underneath his his work clothes. Also, he didn't want me to know and after we were done he got up went outside and sat in his truck for a few hours. we fought about that too! I guess that I'm trying to say is good luck and i hope your self esteem and self worth are in good tact cause you are gonna need it! Mine isn't, this last stunt he pulled hurt me more than anything has in my life.

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A female reader, confused in ca. United States +, writes (7 June 2008):

when I read your letter I thought that i had wrote it. I have tried to go along with his crossdressing and understand it,but all that did was caused him to want to do it all the time. I thought I could handle it, we have been together almost 3 years now.We have fought many times over this,and each time the fight gets worse. This last fight he stabbed me in the arm with an air tool, and latter that nite he shot me in the back of the leg wth a pellet gun. Needless to say I moved out,but a couple of days later when I went to see him, we had sex,he did'nt take off his clothes cause he had on womans clothes on underneath his and dd'nt want me to knowand after we were done he got up went outside and sat in his truck for a few hours. we fought about that too! I guess that I'm trying to say is good luck and i hope your self esteem and self worth are in good tact cause you are gonna need it!Mine isn't, this last stunt he pulled hurt me more than anything has in my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

Last year I dated nearly 20 men. Thrice married and failed I wanted to do it right this time, after all, I'm 55. I'm a real good looking woman. Never had problems getting a date. I met a verile, intelligent, talented man. He's 51, a bronc rider and professional country dancer. The latter we had in common. Out of twenty plus men I chose him. LUST!! it was great. We decided to move in together. He never lied about being a crossdresser. When he told me I was stunned, I a woman with a Masters in Social Work and Humanities. I'm heart broken. I cry all the time. I can't have sex with him unless I'm drunk....and I've never had a drink of any kind before. I've sought therapy at several places...all stating they just don't have the expertise in this area. Because my man is so masculine he looks like an orangatang in a dress. I can't get that vision out of my head...it absolutely deflates any sexual attraction I had for him. I've shown him nothing but kindness and respect. Allowing him to dress any time he wants, even buying him clothing I know he can't help it. It's who he is...but what about me...being a womann attracted to a man....what am I to do now...celebacy? I hate it when he wears my barretts, he curls his "now" long hair, wears his fingernails long etc. This asside he is the finest man I've met, and I've been around the world. He communicates...can you believe that...a man who talks. He is extremely attentive and respectful to me. With all this I still cry. I don't want a girlfriend I want a man. He's no less a man...I simply am not a lesbian.. I can't play silly sex games pretending I'm OK with it. He doesn't know how I feel. I just cry myself to sleep every night. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't know what to do about it. I hate being single. I hate dating. Even still I would choose him out of all those fellows I dated. I need help... don't know what to do. Am on antidepressants. I morn my man...I'm grief stricken...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

Thing is he cannot help himself and may not want to. There is bull going on out there that womens lingerie is uncomfortable. That is total bull and we all know it. Little skimpy nylon panties are comfortable and good quality sheer stockings are very comfortable, a slip is nice feeling as are silky nightgowns.

The material of female lingerie is silky and sexy and we sell that. Now a man feels that silky material on his girl and thinks humm what would it feel like on me and sure enough it feel just as good. Now a mans sex organs are external and when he feels the silky material against his penis it feels like he is inside of a woman and all the slippery silky feelings are a sexual arousal.

Some men such as me go all the way and feel relieved when looking like a female. I love females and wish I was born one..is that a bad thing? If it is then are you saying being a female is a bad thing? He is what he is and the more he dresses the more he wants to or will need to.

I took the summer vacation (a school teacher gets 3 months)and dressed as a female completely for 3 months every day and night including getting my nails done, shaving my legs and under arms, plucking my eye brows the whole thing.

Dresses, nylons, panties and slips and heels during the day and silky nighties at night. Lipstick and eye liner the whole thing. I am 5'6" and pass as a female with little facial hair and slight build (size 3). After the summer I could not, nor would not go back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

hi, i am a heteralsexual woman who has been datting a mn who crossdresses and we have been datting for 4 years now.. i found out 2 weeks after we meet. he had this costum of a woman he wore on halloween one time when he came out of the bathroom in it i thought it was some crazy joke or something.. any ways after i found out it took me some time to really understand it untill i read up on it and got to understanding that there is nothing really wrong with it. my boyfriend is a wonderful man just like yours. what you need to do is just understand that it is just a stupid fetish.. that is something that he likes to do .. look we wear mens clothes all the time. and if you were to do the things to gether when he is dress like that it gets easier.. like me and my boyfriend go to the some club he dresses up as a woman and i go as myself .. we look on the comp. and found a gay club about a hour or two from where we live.. by doing this we have made it something we do together.. you have to understand he is still that same man he is just in different clothes and may act a little mor4e feminen.. but he is still the man you love.. pluse at least he is not cheating on you like most men do.. well good luck..dianna

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

The thing with men crossdressing is that they (in general) get sexual enjoyment out of it. For some, just wearing women's clothing leads to arousel without the need to even masturbate or anything else. Yes, women dress in Jeans and trousers, but because it is more confortable, more practical, and warmer too in the winter! Tights, for instance, are just plain uncomfortable. There is no sexual pleasure/enjoyment in it. I am sure some men don't crossdress for sexual pleasure, but i am not referring to them.

Take the male crossdresser who does it for sexual pleasure, and the girlfriend/wife who knows about it. The guy seems to assume that knowledge = acceptance, which often isn't the case. Firstly knowing and understanding (or attempting to understand...) that there is some need there to crossdress doesn't constitute actual acceptance of it. Knowing it occurs doesn't mean the gf/wife is actually happy for it to occur regularly, or wants it to be bought into any sexual activity between them, and that seems to be the conclusion that the crossdressing man jumps to. (Ok, I'm basing this on one crossdressing partner who at least has never hid it or lied to me. Any kind of hiding or lying must make it all so much more complicated). The hardest thing really is knowing that your man prefers dresses/skirts to you, to your body. That dresses will feature at night many more nights than you or sex will. That often he cannot 'perform' (I hate using that word) for you, yet will have no trouble in a dress. They are all things I have no idea how a woman can come to accept, or how she should set about trying. If he doesn't really want you, (well unless you join in with the crossdressing stuff), but likes the companionship etc, is the relationship more suited just to a deep friendship? Maybe crossdressing men do have a lot to offer, but there is a lot of hoops to try to jump through first.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

My son is a crossdresser and it's really taken some getting used to. He always preferred girls' clothes as a child, wearing summer dresses, headbands and make-up throughout his teens although, strangely, he was always attracted to females. Eventually he got a job as a 'negotiator' for a real estate firm and now goes to work every day in a sharp skirt-suit and heels and is knows as Ellen. He has a girlfriend who is also a crossdresser: she is a self-employed roofing contractor with a shaved head, tattoos and arm muscles that most real guys would be proud of. They are engaged and planning a "traditional" wedding except it will be my son who will be the bride. They intend to have kids and my son will be the mom and his female spouse will be the dad! Weird? Yep, it certainly is, but if it makes them happy then that's what matters and I will always be there for him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

I found out on the day I was to bury my 94 year old grandmother that my husband went on chat rooms masturbating near our girls bedroom. Chatting to women who would tell him about what they were wearing. My husband too, has worn my dresses or skirts. Of course with some type of lingere under them. I think personally he is perverted. I love him to death. But am hating him right now. He has lied to me many times regarding this. I found out in August and he keeps coming out with all new things that are tearing me up inside. I keep saying over and over that I love him. I just can't trust him anymore. A woman at his work just baked him cupcakes and brought in hats and noise makers for his birthday and shared with everyone. I've noticed through the years they have become closer and closer. This terrifies me. Or is it that she is doing me a favor? He told her he was meeting me for lunch one day not to come to his room. Well surprise surprise she showed up with her lunch. She took the hint and left. Then a few days later she brought in his birthday cupcakes and noise makers. So I have no clue of what is going on. He is not honest. I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough right now to go through a divorce. I have two very young children. One in fact said to my husband she had a nightmare that Mommy married someone else and had another baby by him. I don't want that to happen. I want her to stay with you. Well, of course my heart is torn to shreds. I can't do anything even if I wanted to. I live my life through them. They are the only reason I enjoy being alive anymore. They are very very young and to hear a little 5 year old say something like that kills me. Where she came up with this, I have NO idea. My husband is a wonderful man to others. And extremely horrible to me anymore. I don't think he cares to be in this relationship either. Others have always been too important to him over me and the kids. I can't take it anymore. Then I find out he masterbates to make himself happy. He cross dresses to make himself happy. He chats on line with other women to make himself happy. Is he gay? Trying to convince himself he loves women? I need therapy. Is there a chat room for women like us? I want to stay with him. I'm scared of being alone. I have young children who need stability. I stay home with them. Their life would be turned upside down if I left their father. What do I do?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007):

Yes it is difficult, your partner has kept a secret about himself from you, and now when you want to talk to him about it, he denies that it is still going on, you're losing trust in him. It may help you to know that he's felt he has had to keep this bottled up for many years, letting it out is very hard.

Unfortunately despite being a free and open society it is still awkward for a man to express any femininity through his dress (or skirt). Pity really because he cannot present himself the way he wants and you don't get what you were expecting.

Yes many men do get sexual satisfaction from this, but so do others from rubber, s&m, leather, etc. and it is quite common for them keep it secret.

The answer you need, is how much of this can you personally tolerate, bearing in mind it is unlikely that he'll change.

You need to agree this and be clear about what the boundaries are. Some women are happy to help their partners with clothing and makeup etc, some are content just to know it goes on but do not want to see it, others just think that's it time to move on.

You need to trust him, and he needs you to accept he will be dressing up at sometime.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

I was MARRIED to a crossdresser for 36 years and didn't know it until one night I found a wet bra in his closet! We are divorced now, thank goodness, and he has hitched up with a real weirdo who is 66 and thinks there is nothing wrong with it! She's as strange as he is - probably can't get a REAL man. My advice is to RUN, not walk out of the relationship. They lie, deceive, cry, have panic attacks - nothing is worth another minute with that crazy lunatic!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

I too found a few days ago that my husband does the same thing. He has bought himself clothes and babydolls and sleeps with them on at night.

He won't sleep in my bed and goes to another room where he wears his "lady" clothes and sleeps in his babydolls.

He also masterbates - and does it in front of me whilst he is wearing the clothes as he also sits at the computer on the web sites and this gets his aroused.

When I challenged him he says its the only way he enjoys sex but what makes me even more upset he refuses to have sex with me and although has tried, he goes limp and its useless. Then a few minutes later he is masterbating and coming in front of me.

I like you don't know what to do as we have been married for 31 years and I have a lot to lose. Still trying to get my head around it so I know how you feel. He too has accused me of being a snoop and of saying its my fault that he does this in the first instance. He bought the wig and everything.

He is a macho man in every other sense of the word and although he always had a fetish for spanking and school girl uniforms I never knew he also had it for womans clothing

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):

Hi I am so sorry. Like you I discovered my husband of nine years is cross dressing and has been for the last two years. Like you I love him and I tell myself hes still the same person I married. Unfortunately unlike you I knew he had done it before long before we met and married. He said he was finished with it. Now this. He does not do it in the house (although the reason I found out was because he came home early from work and i found him in some clothes). He dotes on me and this is obvious but I cant accept what he does. I want him to stop for our sakes but like your partner says he cant. I have read so much documentation about cross dressers and most of them say these men are normal men living and wanting a married normal life. Dont know what to say to you because I'm going through the same thing. He wants children with me and I cant do that when this is hanging over my head.

I wish you luck. If you want to talk my e-mail is below

[email address blocked]

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

Girls,

The problem is yours not his. He has to cross dress yes I said has to and will never stop..ever..ever no matter what he says. The best thing to do is encourage him in his cross dressing. Helps him pass as a female in public so the two of you can go out together as girls. Help him pick out a girls name and go shopping with him/her. Let him/her have a dresser full of panties, bras, camisoles, slips and garter belts with stockings and of course pantyhose. Buy him a nice dress or two that are very feminine with high heels. Show him/her how to apply makeup correctly. Do all these things and you will have a partner who will love you more than anything and since the sexy lingerie arouses him/her your love life will get wonderful. Buy matching lingerie sets and have sex while wearing them and see what I mean.

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A female reader, sharonbury United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2007):

My heart goes out to you in regards to your problem ,i am in the same situation myself my partner lied to me for two years about his cross dressing ,iv had a seriou battle of motions and strees about the inpact it has had on me and what might happen to my future with this man ,iv also got 3 children from a previousd relationship ,and how do i tell them? the lies are the worst though how do they expect you to trust a single thing they ever say again?they are surposed to care and love you but they have lied,iv over come the lies now and iv sort of tried to accept this cross dressing side to my man ,but it early days and i know that if this relationship is to sucseed im going to need a lot of help and surport ,try and talk to your man find out what e wants from you ,were you fit in to his cross dressing ,and his sexuality ,is he gay? tell him your cool with anything he has to say and your there to listen ,he has to tell ou the score its your right and its only fair because you have loved him all this time.its a difficult situation to deal with and im still not sure at all what to do ,try worbs ,its a sociaty to help women deal with there cross gendered men the beaumont sociaty hope i have been of some confort to you ,sharon

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

Upon researching my current situation I found this old ad and am responding in desperation for perspective. To make a REALLY long story as short as possible, I am love with a man that I have only been with for 6 months. I have had a handful of serious relationships and a marriage that couldn't compare to the connection that I feel for this man. My intuition told me something wasn't right from the beginning...I just couldn't put my finger on it so I over looked it. About a month ago I found out that he had been talking with what I thought were women through email (craigslist ads and other sites) and phone while he was at work. Some of the emails insinuated that he actually met up with them. Later I found out that these were actually Transvestites and about a quarter of the emails were actually women.... there were about 200 emails between A LOT of different people. When I confronted he admitted that he was emailing but denied meeting up with anyone. He said that he was just "seeing what it was about". Because I adore and love this man so much I gave him a second chance and put my hand out for support. I know that he doesn't have anyone in his life that he can lean on and I wanted to just be there to help him and show that he is loved. He kept brushing aside the T-girl issue and promising that he isn't gay.

It's about a month and I’ve asked him he has felt the urge to look and if so that we could talk about it. I have brought up the option of counseling or sex addiction workshops.... without "forcing" him. Last night I found that he is still going to t-girl websites and lying and hiding things from me. I broke up with him but I’m so worried about him.

I can't figure it out, I don't understand it, and I’m not sure if I should run from the situation or be there for him.... even though he is still in denial.

Any advice will help.

Graciously,

SS

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007):

The world is un-educated as far as cross-dressing goes. As mentioned, it's fine for a woman to dress in jeans and t-shirt with boots, but a guy in a dress is seen as perverted.

As a trans person myself, I only know that I feel comfortable wearing feminine clothing. I feel it's 'right' for me and see nothing wrong with it.

It's the minds of those around me that stop me feeling totally comfortable. My wife understands my situation, that it's something I was born with, I cannot stop. I've had to supress myself from going further, the urge/need to make physical changes has had to be left behind.

I'm not lurking in the bushes of your local park waiting to jump out on kiddies. I'm not gay, I don't fancy other men but in female role I prefer females, so does that make me lesbian?

To me it's not a sexual thing, I can 'perform' in either role as my wife desires.

Given the choice I would dress mainly in female clothing, if only people would let me without the hurt and abuse.

The world has grown to have anti racial and anti gay laws and attitudes, this is no different really.

For anyone who finds themselves with a cross-dressing partner, do some research and find out what it's all about before you start to hurt your partner by hurling abuse at them - please?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007):

First of all you should realize that dressing in your clothing is actually a compliment to you and womankind. If it is YOUR clothing that bothers you then help him get his own. Secondly, men cross dress for many reasons, one of which is sexual, yes it is extremely sexually arousing for him to have silky smooth o\panties, stockings, etc, you get the point next to him. No of course you do not understand. You wear these items your entire life so to you it is just clothing, next your sexual arousal organs are internal. Now how do you feel if you were to put on a satin garter belt, black lace stockings, a sheer black thong, lacy push up bra, 4 inch pumps all with the idea of having sex with your boyfriend, Your aroused right, well he would be also in two ways. One he wold want to have sex with you and second he would want to have sex with you while wearing the exact same thing. He cannot help dressing. He does not want to he has to. So now what is so bad about this. Women wear mens clothing and it is OK,, but let a man want to put on a dress and oh my he is a fag. Women always complain about how aggressive we men are or how macho are whatever....yours has the ability to be both man and display his feminine side as well. You should count your blessings and let him have his fun and once more encourage it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

Hi, I feel so bad for everyone having a difficult time accepting their tranny lovers!

It truly is an identity issue. To ask your partner to suppress who they are will only lead to despair for both of you. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, you just don't find transvetitism attractive. You can happily accept that fact.

Now accept that for him it is part of who he is. He has little choice in the matter and motivating factors (be they sexual identity/gender identity or both) vary between individuals. Perhaps you would be happier with a straight lover and perhaps he would be happier with someone who fancies the pants off him in all his guises: regardless of his clothing. In admitting that you would not be failing one another.

Perhaps you will never reach compatability on this issue, but it doesn't mean your relationship is over as you don't have to do everything together. If it's a sexual issue - well, we all know how dissatisfying it is not to have our needs met, or indeed how awful it feels to be pressured into engaging in something we don't want to do.

The point is that both parties should always feel supported and liberated in a relationship. If you can't do that for each other - then that's OK - it's no one's fault, but it's not likely to be a sustainable situation.

Me personally - I think my tranny lover is fantastic. And should we ever split up, I'd always prefer a tranny partner in the future as well. Am I kinky? am I weird?? Can I even still consider myself straight??? Like I even care - this is just me and I'm cool with it. I'm as lucky to find a tranny lover who scratches my itch, just as he is fortunate to have found me.

For those who wish to try and negotiate these troubled waters, there are plenty of 'wives'-type support groups out there for other women in your position. There are no shortage of us - just as there's not shortage of men who like what our men like. Dont judge yourself or him so harshly. Have some fun and navigate through this with tenderness and love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007):

I can totally sympathize with you. Im only 16 and my boyfriend is 18. My boyfriend used to be just a friend and he used to always dress up in girl clothes and last year he decided that he wanted to be with me, so I thought I'd give it a try. We've been together for a few months now and everything is fine

But, lately we've been talking about the future and I remembered recently him telling me that on his honeymoon he was going to wear a thong, but that was when we weren't together so I kinda just brushed it off... but now I'm worried. When I buy new panties, he always has to make a comment about them... like by saying "Oh, lace ones are itchy" or "G-strings get annoying" but I always have a witty comment to cover up how much it hurts me inside.

He keeps telling me that he doesnt want to go back to those days. He now calls them the "Bad Days" and I'm definately hoping that he wont go back. But after seeing things on tv and things online about crossdressing coming with age, its really scary. Im afraid that things might change and he'll leave me or I may be driven to leave him. I want to be with a guy... I want a BOYfriend. Im straight, not a lesbian. So, I wont ever want to have to worry about my boyfriend dressing like a women.

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A female reader, stillnessinthe_nite United States +, writes (12 May 2007):

I read most of these stories, all of which remind me of the roles and chapters that I've been through with my boyfriend. Although I feel like I must be in the final chapter in a book, I can’t feel but ask myself, could there be more? Is there more chapters to this book. I love this man and I've given him every piece of me heart, sole and yes as hard as it is to say...I feel as I given up my mind. I, like every other women have gone through the experiences of finding the deep dark secrets of my man loving to wear my under clothes. At first trying to deny the fact and asking myself if I found out that he was having an affair would that be worse. I went through the rollercoaster of lies. First garments I found were old girlfriends, then the lies that his old girlfriends got off by him wearing them. Eventually convincing him to tell me the trust. I'll never forget that day; it’s as if he won the lottery. He was so relieved and happy that I understood. But he forgot one thing, just because I was able to understand him didn’t mean that I wanted him to bring it into our sexual acts. Yes ladies it got that far. The worst is still to be told. Not only has he shared his fantasies of wearing my underwear and wearing them while we have sex but now he asking me to explore using sexual toys on him. Oh there so much more to tell and get off my chest but I’m afraid you all might not want to hear this. So I’ll just stop here and tell you that I am so lost. I just don’t know how much more of understand and forgiving is person suppose to be. I am totally num. I don’t even know how I feel about myself or him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007):

You should both see a marriage counselor to work things out

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006):

hi,

I realize this is an old post... but I am in a similar situation... my boyfriend/fiance of over seven years... kept this secret from me for seven years. we've been engaged for two. I stumbled upon his secret when we were remodeling his parents house, that we were in the process of buying...

I was cleaning the den, and saw a bra strap under the couch, and grabbed it. it wasn't mine, and then I found fake breast...

I thought I was loosing my mind... my first thought was he was cheating on... obviously not thinking clearly... I stuffed everything back under the couch, and went for a long drive. About four hours later, I called him, and went back to the house... confronting him on the issue. He openly admitted, and claimed a previous girlfriend had gotten him into it, and that he only does it once and a while.... that he would stop if for me.

The next day, I researched and researched... then asked him to talk about it... he claimed he couldn't ... it was just something...This was back in February...

I'm trying my best to be understanding, and try to cope, truthfully I think I forgot about it, as much as anyone could... Friday night he blew up at me for no reason and took off with his friends... I went out with mine, not something we do often, but every relationship needs space.

I when I got home... I noticed a package and found that instead of him going out... he sat in the dark drinking dressed as a female... He seems to be very depressed, always sitting in the dark, and drinking a lot lately, and money from our account is missing lately, and I think its mostly that he has lived with this secret for so long, that its eating him alive.

I think the most important thing you can do is try to accept your mate for who they are and not ask them to change.

truthfully, I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle the situation, I'm trying the best I can though...

The hardest part for me is getting over the fact that I had absoluetly no idea, for seven years. My trust is definitly shattered, and I'm trying to learn to believe him again... I do find myself questioning alot of what he says, and always wondering where his money is going....

I hope that maybe you have found some piece of mind in knowing you are not the only one going through this type of situation, and I hope you find a solution that works for you... I'm trying to find one for me also.

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A female reader, experienced +, writes (27 October 2005):

Hi anonymous and others who are struggling with this problem.

Please read all of this – don’t stop part way through.

First my story:

I was married to a lovely man for 11 years. We met, fell in love and moved in together before he told me he was a cross-dresser.

After I found out about him, in my naivety, I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again and he would change.

He became a wonderful father to my two children {I gave birth to my two beautiful children while in a previous violent marriage - I can pick them!!!).

I foolishly believed my partner only needed someone to show him a woman’s love - wrong thoughts!!!!

I told him I couldn’t cope with him cross-dressing and he promised not to do so again but on many occasions I found items of women’s clothing that were not mine. This always caused arguments and each time he would promise never to do so again.

I pressured him to change.

It was obvious he was much more sexually aroused when dressed in women’s clothes and seemed to be much more sexually drawn to me if I wore very sexy lingerie.

Me – well I didn’t understand.

Eventually we only had sex while I wore sexy clothing and over time this wore me down emotionally and I felt that he didn’t really want me but the lingerie on himself.

I was convinced that the cross-dressing was a sexual thing. I was verbally vicious and I even told him he was perverted.

I thought I wasn’t woman enough for him. I rebelled and disposed of any feminine underwear and clothing – I wore basic underwear and refused to wear anything feminine.

Yes this told its tale on our personal relationship.

Such a shame as we shared so many things in common and enjoyed each others company but we did separate.

After the initial “who should blame who” period I began to realize that he needed to be himself. This was not a slur on me but that it was just part of who he was.

I have eventually realized he needed to be himself and that meant he needed times when he would be able to relax while wearing women’s clothes.

We now live separately – I now understand much more about the situation.

He is still a wonderful father to my children. We are now very close friends and the only thing we regret is the years we argued. Had we comprehended the facts sooner we may have had a different outcome.

I have looked into things and know there are many women who can cope with their partners being trans-sexual or transvestite – I was not strong enough for that, in that aspect I failed my husband.

Yes I miss him when I ramble about my house at night, but not as a sexual partner. I miss his company, his friendship, his understanding and the closeness that we had.

He is better off without me putting the pressure on him to stop what he felt he needed to do and what he felt was natural to his instincts.

We are now divorced - its early days - we talk a lot – we are both suffering from depression just now but know that it would be a mistake to move back to each other. We need our separate lives but also need to know we still have each other if we need to talk, if we need a shoulder to cry on or need a hug.

As I say I didn’t understand. I do not want a cross-dresser or a trans-sexual as a partner and my ex-husband doesn’t need someone who can’t cope and doesn’t fully understand him as a partner.

He is undergoing assessment for a sex change. I admit it’s not my thing. I admit I wanted someone different for a husband but I do still love him and I hope to remain one of his closest friends as long as we live.

I am proud that my children accept him as he is, considering I emotionally blackmailed him for many years that he would never see the children again if they found out.

Now for the facts:

Being a cross-dresser does not mean that the man wishes to be a woman.

Being a cross dresser does not mean the man is gay.

Unfortunately the way society see things are far from perfect.

Gradually the human race understands that homosexuality is acceptable – yes there are still some “knuckle-scrapers” wont accept cross-dressing but most us are not that inhuman; most of us will understand that no matter what a person wears they are still the same person.

Sadly most people think that cross-dressing is perverted or gay (yes I fired many accusations)

Cross-dressing is far more common than most people realize and does not mean that the person who wishes to cross-dress is less of a person.

My ex-husband is one of the nicest, honest people who ever walked this earth. As I say we did not suit each others needs, but he or maybe one day he will be she deserves respect and love.

If you are strong enough to support your partner then stay with it. Your partner needs support and understanding. What he does is not a slur on your femininity; it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. In fact it may mean that when you both come to terms with things you will realize he will love you more and be much more faithful that most men could ever understand.

I wasn’t strong enough.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2005):

My boyfriend (of 1 year) is a cross dresser as well. I didn't 'find' him putting on my clothes or anything, he told me about it, upfront and honest. I'm not sure where my feelings are about the issue, but I know that I love him, and that he's not comfortable being a cross dresser; still seems to have an element of shame about it. But I hope that one day, I will be able to help him embrace his desires. And I hope that one day, I will be able to as well.

Simply because, I don't see any reason why this should be an issue at all. Women wear mens clothes, so whats the big deal if a man wears womens clothes.

Personally, I'd be a bit turned off if I found my boyfriend borrowing my clothes WITHOUT my permission, as I would be if any one of my girlfriends borrowed my clothes without my permission. But I do agree that female#1's boyfriend is probabily just coming out of the closet (so to speak) and so to her I say, good luck! Be patient, and accepting, and he will come to you when he's ready. Peace.

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A female reader, Delila +, writes (9 September 2005):

If cross dressing was not a problem for you he would probably not lie about it, it seems though that it is a problem for him too. It seems as if he is also very much ashamed about what he does. There may be a lesson in acceptance to be learned here. Can you accept what he does or not? Can he accept what he does or not? If you feel you can accept that your boyfriend is a cross dresser then you can work at getting him t feel comfortable with it and then there will be no need for any dishonesty. If you can't accept it then leave him, UNLESS he can not accept it either in which case you can decide weather you can work together on helping him to stop.

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A female reader, lildeesbg United States +, writes (9 September 2005):

lildeesbg agony auntI am going to try to be as helpful as i could. This is a big problem for you and it is understandable. The first thing you need to do is STOP blaming yourself. You did not put ladies clothes on him and tell him to lie about it.

As i said before honesty and trust in a relationship are keys to a wonderful relationship. Obviously you have neither. To cut right to the chase do you want a boyfriend who dresses in womens clothing and walks the streets as a women while you sleep? Do you want to be with a liar? Do you want to be with a person that makes you question yourself worth? Hopefully the answer to those questions are NO. If he is admitting to you that he cant stop likely-hood is that he wont.

I know you love him, but if this is not your type of life-style then you might need to start distancing yourself from him. I know it is easier said then done and that you love him, but, if your not excepting of this then it can only lead to fights and much more serious problems. IF he is lying now how do you know he is not doing other things then just "walking" around in your clothing. You need to think long and hard and seriously weigh out your options. A discussion with your man is needed. Find out exaclty how far he goes with this and if he might consider counseling? If he doesnt want to talk about it chances are hes hiding something else and he will continue doing it. Leaving you alone and in the dark.

p.s your not a snop your a girlfriend who just realized the man she loves, loves dressing like a women.

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