A
female
age
41-50,
*eartbroken Arab
writes:I have been engaged for 6 months. In the arab world, we tend not to get sexually active until after marriage. My fiancee and I had anal sex. He now wants to rethink our relationship because he thinks that I did this in the past with other men. I had no relationships in the past with anyone, and this is really my first time. When I tell him that, he says that he doesn't believe me. What should I do? I really love him and I don't want him to leave me. I don't want to leave him, but how can I change this perception? He always says that if i didn't do it in the past, why did i agree to do it with him...
View related questions:
anal sex, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I think this guy is the typical 'macho' You need to find yourself a man who is open minded and doesn't think virginity is the only thing going on for a girl. Also, it seems like either he doesn't trust you (very bad for a relationship) or he is just making up excuses to cut off the wedding. To me it sounds like he just wanted to get under your pants. I think you are much better off without him.
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Wow, NowWhat?, you really have your head on straight. GREAT ADVICE!
...............................
A
female
reader, NowWhat? +, writes (23 April 2007):
I don't think whatever went on in uni qualifies as a "past"! We all have our little crushes and immature relationships growing up. He wouldn't have proposed to you if he wasn't sure you were "good wife material" and i'm sure he does love you.
My advice-again-is to turn the table on him "i trusted you and gave you myself because i love you and we are suppossed to be married and here you are doubting me and giving me grief" then stop any further discussion on this subject or any subject for that matter. Stop talking to him for a couple of days.
Give him time to assess the relationship and how whatever happened between you factors into it. Watch and wait because if he doesn't come back apologetic this will hang over your head forever
...............................
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (22 April 2007):
 He has no right to say this to you. He did it with you so what does that say about him if it's such a terrible thing to do before marriage?!
I'm really not going to go on like I usually do to women in these crazy situations because I know nothing about your culture and anything we say will not change the way you have been brought up to percieve your own self-worth or men.
I just hope you sort this man out before you marry him and put this to rest so he doesn't go on about it forever. If he doesn't believe you, get rid.
...............................
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (22 April 2007):
 Everyone has a past, he cant deny you of that. You cant be expected to tell him every little detail about your past if you dont think it is relevant.
What you are saying about your past does not sound like something he should be concerned about. It does'nt even sound like it was a serious thing, as you were always with a group of friends.
He is making something out of nothing and making you feel guilty for having a past which is wrong. You need to make a choice now. He needs to get over this hang up, he is risking your relationship over something which cant be changed and really is of no real concern. You must see this, so why cant he?
Can you really see yourself being comfortable with someone like this who questions ever little thing in your past? This is HIS problem not yours, you have not lied to him and if he cant see that than this will continue again and again with you in the firing line everytime.
...............................
A
female
reader, Heartbroken Arab +, writes (22 April 2007):
Heartbroken Arab is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your support. Today, he says that he loves me but he wants the truth. There was a guy who liked me in university, and i told him about this guy. Later on i told him that we used to go out as a group of friends and this guy would be there. He now thinks that because I did not tell him the "full truth" before (the fact that we used to go out for coffee and the guy who liked me was there), he thinks that I am not telling him the full truth about sexual relationships. He says that he did trust me, but now he doesn't because of this incident. He says that when we'd go out, he had this feeling inside him that I am hiding something, and that is why he was acting strange. I said to him that I do not deserve this from him. I told him that just because of some inner thoughts in him, i do not deserve to be treated this way, he didn't say sorry but he changed the subject. I want to put a stop to this, what can i do? Please help.
...............................
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (22 April 2007):
You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. he is turning this all around now on you, which is BANG out of order.
He either needs to learn to trust what you say, or you need to leave him.
You agreed because you love him end of story. If he cant believe what you say over something like this then you need to question the trust you have, and that is to question the relationship.
Please, think carefully about things because people who use this kind of emotional abuse usually dont stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, beautifulllove +, writes (22 April 2007):
 sounds like to me he thinks your not what hes looking for which he really needs to get a reality check on life and you need to better your self and let him know that you did it because you loved him and if he doesnt believe you than bye and if he calls you and is willing to make it work and everything than i say trust your heart but always use your head which is kinda hard when your in love but i believe youll do fine and good lucky
...............................
A
female
reader, NowWhat? +, writes (22 April 2007):
Hi there;We are baladyat so i guess i'd be most qualified to reply to your question especially that i too am sexually involved with my man although we are not yet married.My fiancee did the same exact thing after the first time we were together. He withdrew from me and acted like he wanted nothing to do with me. Eventually he recovered and when we discussed it he said that's how sharqi men were, torn between loving the woman and wanting her on one hand and their religious and cultural beliefs on the other and that the best thing to do when a man withdraws is to leave him alone and give him space. Don't chase him and act all guilty. Irish was right, you gave him what HE wanted out of love and you shouldn't justify yourself or let him hold it against you. It's your turn to act wounded and withdraw because he DID betray your trust. If he loves you enough what is between you will get the best of him and he will come back. If not, then trust me, you are better off without him
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): I am so sorry, dear. He has put you to the ultimate test and this is why they call it "mind games." He sounds like the makings of an 'abuser'...guys like this can be a sick lot and are extremely smart, sly and cunning when it comes to emotional abuse. The best thing is to kick this clown ass to the curb and move on to finding a man who will not treat you in such a disrespectful way. This is no way to live and for him to do this to you...was not love but it was entitlement and ownership on his part. The pure makings of a man who is emotionally abusing you. You gave him what he asked because you loved him. He took that love and he's maing you pay a big price...your self-respect. He is trying to knock you off balance by making you feel less valued. What an ass! Love is about caring, loving, respect, honesty, loyalty and not about games. You really do deserve better!
...............................
|
