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female
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anonymous
writes: I cheated. Let's say 'N' is my boyfriend and 'S' is the one I cheated with. S is this guy who I used to be friends w/ benefits with. I started going out with N and that ended. S came over one day and we ended up having sex. I'm not sure why, and I think it was because I wasn't ready for a committment with N yet (I told N this)..but that was 3 months into our relationship. Now it's 8 months, and I love N so much and he loves me, we planned to get married next year. I held in my horrible secret for so long (5 months), I had to tell him. I told him a couple of weeks ago, and he is crushed. We still love each other and want to stay together, but I'm not sure if he will ever trust me again, and he's not sure either. We cry about it together all the time now, and ever so often, he blows up at me. It seems he ignores me all the time now also. I don't talk to S anymore, and don't want to. I know I should be showing N how much I care about him and wouldn't ever do that again, but I'm not sure how to...especially when he always seems to be bitter towards me now. He called his ex girlfriend the other day...I found out and he told me that he called her to ask her if there was anything wrong with him. I asked him if he was still attracted to her, and he said he was never really attracted to her, and she's still with her bf that she cheated on him with (yes, he's been cheated on before). I don't know what to do. How do I get across to him that I would never do that again? Will this bitterness he has towards me ever go away?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2005): what did you get out of cheating on your b/f? if you dont know why you did it who will say you wont do it again? It sound like youve got one of very few decent men and you knew he was still hurt about being cheated on in his last relatioship, but it obviously didnt stop you! hunney there is a famous saying "youve made your bed now lie in it" you b/f loves you and you betrayed him your going to have to put alot of time and effort into your relationship to make it work and youll have to do alot of grovelling to make him forgive you! i feel sorry for your b/f in you collum you dont even sound remorsefull.
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (19 August 2005):
 Hey, first let me commend you for coming out with the truth, it took guts and it was very adult of you to do. Secondly your guy has been hurt before and he is still sensitive about that. It is a sore spot so to speak. Even though you two love each other alot...it is still alot to deal with...the fear mainly of it happening again. Still spend time with him like normal but don't be too clingy. Actions speak louder than words and let him see how you have gotten over that and you are a more stable person now. That you love him and him alone and basically that you have no interest in anyone else. Reassure him that nothing is wrong with him...it is just that sometimes people make bad decisions at times. Sit quietly with him and have a serious talk with him...really reassure him that you have no interest in anyone else. Ask him what will have him feel more secure. I hope thing work out with you guys...Good Luck...and blessings...ana
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2005): I commend you for "owning up to this problem" and coming clean with it. As hard as it was for both of you-it had to be dealt with. Trust is always hard to build and even harder to rebuild. And of course you will have to earn back his trust so this will take time and huge efforts. Your violations of his trust shattered all the rules of respect he thought you were both living by. With concern for the pain you caused him, the obligation is now for YOU to work hard to restore his trust. It will take time. And with that trust comes open, honest disclosures about your activities when he's not with you. You have to do this until he feels safe with you once again...because you broke his heart, girl. You and he need to talk and establish some groundrules & measures for re-establishing trust to your satisfaction.
It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. His willingness to trust again is crucial. Take things one step at a time. Please remember, time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. So take this time with him, dear and make it really, really matter. If he's the man you love, work hard to prove to him, your love, your devotion and that he can forever trust you. I really wish you both well-stay positive and be happy with each other.
Best of luck,
Irish
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